Chapter 6:
[Key #6] The Principle Of Least Interest: Whoever Cares the Least Has the Power
“Someone once told me that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less.”
– Connor Mead
“Reality is one thing, but perception is everything.”
– Quote in a US Army Psychological Operations manual
According to Wikipedia, “The Principle of Least Interest is the idea in sociology that the person that has the least amount of interest in continuing a relationship has the most power over it. In the context of relationship dynamics, it suggests towards which party the balance of power tilts.”
The sociologist Willard Waller coined term The Principle of Least Interest in his 1938 book The Family: A Dynamic Interpretation. Waller found that power in a dating couple is almost never equally distributed between the two participants. Throughout his research, Waller discovered that for a number of reasons, during the course of a relationship, one partner in a relationship will have more power. Waller used the term The Principle of Least Interest to describe this uneven balance in relationships.
The Wikipedia website goes on to say:
“In a relationship with uneven power distribution, one of the partners gets more out of a relationship, be it emotionally, physically, or monetarily than the other. The partner who receives less has less incentive to continue the relationship and therefore at the most extreme can threaten to end the relationship so that the other person bends to their demands. For the person making the demands this is of little consequence to them. For the other party however, it might be a much larger issue. This is the basis for the ideas behind principle of least interest.”
Vivian Lawry further explains the phenomenon in this way:
“This principle works everywhere from the housing market to the marriage market. If the buyer is more eager to buy than the seller is to sell, the seller will determine the selling price. If he loves her more than she loves him, he could end up the proverbial hen-pecked husband of so many comedies; vice versa and she is a candidate for the downtrodden foot-wipe—perhaps abused—wife of so many tragedies. This principle is so well understood that sometimes people try to disguise their true levels of caring/interest (talk of other great offers forthcoming, flirting with or dating a rival). Inherent in disguise is the understanding that what counts is often the perception of least interest.” (Italics mine)
In general, I agree with this principle. However, there is just one simple change I would add to the Wikipedia definition. I would modify the definition of the principle to read, “The Principle of Least Interest is the idea in sociology that the person that is perceived to have the least amount of interest in continuing a relationship has the most power over it.”
What happens if the least-interested partner doesn’t let on that they have more interest in continuing the relationship? In this type of situation, where one partner hides the fact that they are the one who is more interested in the relationship, it may be the perception of the situation that really matters. The partner who is actually more interested in keeping the relationship going may manipulate the situation so that they seem like they are the one who is least interested in continuing the relationship. Put simply, as a strategic maneuver, sometimes one of the partners may try to disguise their actual level of interest in keeping the relationship together.
Nagesh Belludi addresses this issue and argues that in order to lessen their vulnerability, sometimes the partner who is more emotionally invested in the relationship may attempt to hide this fact. She says that:
“… appearing indifferent or uninterested is a common way by which people try to raise their own standing in a relationship.”
Belludi offers the example of a used car negotiation to illustrate how the more vulnerable person may hide their true feelings in order to gain, or keep, the upper hand in a relationship.
“Recall the well-known “walk away” negotiation tactic—tell a used car salesman, “this just isn’t the deal that I’m looking for,” and he may call you the next day with a better offer.”
The theory of The Principle of Least Interest is based on a very simple logic. The partner who cares the most about continuing a relationship stands to be the more vulnerable of the two. Yet, since human beings are involved, an element of strategy is sometimes introduced. That is, sometimes the most vulnerable partner, the one who is more interested in continuing the relationship, may attempt to make it appear as though they are the one least interested in keeping the relationship alive. That way they will appear to have the upper hand in the relationship.
While Selling Movie Tickets, My Brother Met A Woman Who Tried To Hide The Fact That She Was Interested In Dating Him.
When my brother was in high school, he was one of the best-looking guys in his class. As he put it, he was so good-looking that he was “top shelf” material. As a result of his stunningly good looks, many “top shelf” females expressed an interest in meeting and perhaps dating him.
My brother, however, knew exactly how unusually handsome he was, and thus, he worked his good looks for everything they were worth. Because he was so attractive, “top-shelf” women would pursue him. All he had to do was sit back and choose from the pool of attractive women who continually expressed an interest in dating him.
Some of the beautiful women who let my brother know that they were interested in dating him realized that good-looking men would often take advantage of their “looks” to get what they wanted from women. Therefore, these attractive women would sometimes attempt to downplay the fact that they were more than willing to get into a relationship with him.
In order to pursue my brother, these women often found a seemingly neutral reason to interact with him. That is, in order to hide their true intentions, they would mask them. These women sought to manipulate the interactions they had with my brother by making it appear that their interaction was anything but an attempt to overtly flirt with him.
During his last year of high school, my brother worked at the local movie theater. He enjoyed working there because lots of pretty young women would go there to see the popular movies. Thus, while working there, he could meet and interact with a large mix of these attractive women.
While on duty at the movie theater, my brother would work at some of the various positions that needed to be manned by entry-level workers. Sometimes he would work at the ticket counter. Other times he would work at the concession stand. Sometimes between movies, he would clean theaters.
One weekend the theater featured a Disney movie made primarily for the child market. While working on a Saturday afternoon, my brother was tasked with selling tickets.
During his shift, an attractive young woman and a young child about seven-years-old approached the ticket booth. As the woman and the youngster stepped up to the ticket window, the woman said, “Can I please get two tickets to the 3:15 showing of Snow White?” My brother politely replied to this woman’s request by telling her, “Sure, let me print those tickets for you.”
While the tickets were printing, the cute young woman started to initiate small talk with my brother by telling him, “My mom is making me take my younger sister see to this kid’s movie. But I don’t mind, a big sister has to do what a big sister has to do.” By using such a ruse, the young woman figured that my brother wouldn’t realize that she had actually brought her younger sister with her in order to make it appear that her interaction with him had been nothing but a chance encounter.
But just as my brother was finishing printing the tickets, the younger sister randomly chimed in and asked the older sister, “Is that cute guy Danny working today; the one that you’ve been talking about lately? If he is, I want to see how cute he is.”
You have probably figured out that the attractive woman wasn’t really concerned about watching the Disney movie. What she was really interested in was getting a chance to interact with my handsome brother. Only her kid sister didn’t know when to keep her mouth shut. The younger sister ended up blowing her older sister’s scheme to interact and flirt with my brother.
After the younger sister spilled the beans about her real reason for interacting with my brother, the attractive young woman quickly realized what was happening; and what was at stake. It became glaringly obvious that she had instantly become vulnerable to the possibility that my brother would reject her efforts to flirt with him. She then hurried to not only silence her younger sister, but to also do some damage-control by hurrying away from the ticket booth as possible.
Essentially, the attractive older sister realized that her younger sister had inadvertently exposed her cover story. She became embarrassed that her ruse didn’t work out as she had planned, and she quickly abandoned her plans to flirt with my brother. After that purported “chance” encounter with my brother, the attractive young woman never again attempted to interact with him.
My Girlfriend Tells Me To Go Home; Then She Seeks Me Out.
In the introduction I mentioned that shortly after I separated from active duty, I met a strikingly beautiful woman. We hung out and partied together. A short time later, we kissed and I developed a huge crush on her. She was smart, confident, and she definitely wasn’t afraid to take some chances. This was just the kind of person I could relate to during that time in my life. After only a few months of dating her, I fell in love.
While dating this woman, I was batting way out of my league. I was expecting that at any minute, this daydream situation would prove to be just that: a mere dream. Because I was in love with this woman, I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. So I tried to make that happen by visiting her on a daily basis. Even when I was visiting her, I tried to stay with her as long as possible.
Of course I wanted to make a good impression on this new girlfriend, so I would be sure to dress up before I went to her house. I had begun to take pride in how I looked (military influence, especially paratrooper culture). My clothes were cleaned and ironed; they even matched.
These daily visits with my new girlfriend were absolutely wonderful. I’d go to her place as soon as she got off work. I really enjoyed her company, so I’d stay late talking etc; sometimes until her bedtime. This new girlfriend, and the attention she showed me, never got boring. I always looked forward to it.
Just when I was sure that she felt the same way as I did about our time spent together, I learned that she had begun to feel just the opposite way. My never-ending presence was beginning to get on her nerves. My daily visits, and deference to her every wish (chivalry in my eyes) were making her uncomfortable. From her perspective, the constant attention I was showering on her was beginning to annoy her. Little did I know what was about to happen as a result of my attempt to constantly be around her.
One day while my girlfriend and I were at her house watching TV, she, for some reason, seemed somewhat “distant.” Because I was sensing this, I began to feel insecure and in an effort to show her how much I actually cared about her, I made a concerted effort to be around her even more. Due to my naïve thinking, I figured that if I spent as much time with her as possible, she would realize how enjoyable it was to spend time with me.
One evening while we were sitting on her couch, she seemed restless and kept on readjusting her position; obviously she was uncomfortable. Little did I know it, but she was uncomfortable with me. In hindsight, I now realize that she could no longer hold back her true feelings. Because I could tell she was uncomfortable, I offered to get her an extra pillow or blanket, anything to help alleviate whatever it was that was making her feel unsettled. As it turns out, what she needed to “alleviate” was me.
After I asked her for the tenth time what I could do to help her, she made that sucking teeth sound, and then said, “Pete, we need to talk.” Those of you who have ever been on the receiving end of those words know it isn’t usually something positive. I agreed to “talk,” knowing it would involve her telling me what was on her mind.
My girlfriend then asked me, “Why are you always over here?”
She then commented, “You’re always hovering around me, crowding my space.”
In my eyes, during all the time we had spent together, she hadn’t seemed to mind this behavior. Then she said something I could have never anticipated would ever come from her. She said, “Why don’t you go home.”
Out of a sense of confusion, I asked her, “What? You want me to leave? I don’t get it,” I admitted meekly. With some attitude in her voice, she quipped back, “Maybe if you went home I would appreciate you more. Why don’t you make me miss you?”
This whole scene came as a huge surprise to me. But that last comment really took me by surprise. Not only did her comment render me speechless, but I was also dumbfounded by it.
All of the life must have drained out of my face. I just wanted to melt into the sofa and disappear. The whole time my girlfriend was just smirking like it was all common sense; acting as though I should have already realized this stuff. Needless to say, I felt devastated.
Still unsure of what had just happened, I got up slowly and made my way to the front door. The whole time she was sort of laughing and giggling. I was so upset that I even had trouble driving home. All the way back to my house, I kept running that scene over and over in my head.
Each time I replayed the scene in my head, I would get a little more upset at what had happened. By the time I got home, I was drained of all my energy and was hanging by a thread; limp and crushed.
When I walked into the house, my roommates asked me why I looked go glum. They knew me well and could tell something was wrong. I quickly shared the details of what had happened with them.
Of course being my friends, they began making derogatory remarks about my ex to help lift my spirits. Despite my mood, I listened to them for awhile, but really I just wanted to go to my room and hit the sack.
Throughout this whole ordeal, I had been too upset to even cry. As I drifted off to sleep, I felt a tear run down my cheek and drop onto the bed sheet. Sleep was a welcome relief.
The next day my roommates were trying to make me feel better by calling my ex various unpleasant names. They were telling me how we were all going to go to a party planned for the upcoming weekend. My friends already had a plan to party with some women they had recently met. That all sounded good in theory, yet, I was hurting, and inside, I couldn’t have cared less.
In front of my roommates I acted like I was OK with the situation. They kept on telling me that my ex would call me. But those predictions didn’t make any sense to me and my naïve self. Their reasoning was confusing to me. Why would my ex ask me to go home if she really wanted to interact with me?
I was upset with the situation and remember saying something thing like, “Yeah? If that b**ch calls, tell her that I went to New York.” Although in my mind, I just knew that she was never going to call, it just sounded like a good thing to say at the time. After all, she had told me to leave her alone; so why would she want to call me?
After about a week, while my roommates and I were partying at our apartment, the phone rang. When one of them answered it, he silently signaled me that it was my ex on the phone. Despite my misgivings about their previous prediction, she had called!
My roommates could barely contain their laughter as one of them complied with my request: he told my ex that I was in New York. She asked my roommate when I would be returning, and he told her that he had no idea when that would be.
After that initial phone call, about another week went by. Again, my roommates and I were partying and entertaining some women at the house when the phone rang. One of my roommates answered it and quickly signaled to me that it was my ex on the other end of the line. I was incredulous. This “reality” still didn’t register with my type of thinking.
My roommate cupped the phone with his hand and motioned me to come over to where he was. I didn’t know exactly what to do, since again I was unprepared for this turn of events. This time I whispered for him to tell her that I had gone to Los Angeles. He dutifully complied with my instruction and then they hung up. My roommates and I had a laugh at her expense.
But down deep inside of me, those two phone calls of hers were really bugging me; really bugging me. I just couldn’t understand what was happening. I kept asking myself: Why was this happening? Why was she calling? To me, this just didn’t make any sense.
My roommates asked me what they should do the next time she called, as though they knew she would call again. Trying to hide the fact that this situation was beginning to bug me, I acted calm and cool and I told them that if she called back, to tell her that I had gone to Mars. That’s all I could think up at the time. We had another laugh, but inside I was still totally confused by all of this.
Sure enough, after another couple of days, my ex called back. My roommate did exactly as I requested. But this time, instead of being sly about it, he took the liberty to be blunt and told her, “Pete told me to tell you that he went to Mars.”
After my roommate and my ex hung up, all of in the room laughed our behinds off. Again, outwardly we all had another good laugh, but inside, the joke was actually on me.
I had no clue what to make of this situation. Why the heck was she trying to contact me? Didn’t she tell me to get lost? She definitely had me confused.
About an hour after that phone call, my roommates and I were eating in the kitchen when we heard a knock at the front door. I was the one closest to the door, so I walked into the living room and answered it.
As I opened the door, a female figure was standing in the shadow and immediately stepped toward me. Because of the shade of a north-facing entrance, I barely noticed that it was my ex. After all, I wasn’t exactly expecting her. When my ex stepped toward me, she pushed me in the chest and asked, “Why are you trying to avoid me?”
I backed into the house as my ex continued to move forward toward me. I could see on her face that she meant business. Yet this whole scene was making me even more confused. I couldn’t help but think that this was the same woman who had told me to “go home.” Now why would she want to see me? It didn’t make any sense to me. My naïve mind was racing; this just didn’t compute.
By this time, my roommates were all standing around watching what was happening. They thought that I needed help in what they viewed as a fray, so they started talking crap to her.
Since my roommates and I had previously engaged in our collective plan to joke and laugh at her, I was tempted to join in. But another side of me, the one that hadn’t seen her for some time, was really getting turned on by her bold actions. She had come all the way over to my house to see me, and after not seeing her for some time, she was looking really good! So, a part of me wanted to defend her from the onslaught my friends had began to level against her in my defense.
My ex stood her ground against my roommates and suggested that she and I discuss the issue in private. But I knew that if we went somewhere private, I was going to have a hard time resisting her.
I had to do something, and I had to do it fast. So I quickly agreed with her suggestion and we walked down the short hallway and into my bedroom. Once we were safely in the room, I shut the door behind us. Somehow, at that exact moment, my ex was looking strikingly beautiful.
Talk about confusing; this situation had me all worked up. Like I said, I hadn’t seen this woman in a while, and she was looking great. Plus, I hadn’t particularly enjoyed the past couple of weeks without her either.
Let’s just say that her beauty and the immediate temptation to get back together with her overrode any logic that would have me focused on the possibility of any future heartbreak. The possibility of getting back with her, and then sometime in the future being asked to “go home” never even entered my consciousness. She and I started kissing and the rest was history.
As you probably figured out, after that incident my ex and I got back together. She kept on asking me why I had ignored her. I kept telling her that the separation had been her idea. After all, it was she who told me to go home.
“Why did you even listen to me? You know I didn’t really mean it,” she asked me in a telling-me-off manner.
After hearing that comment, I gave up trying to make sense of this situation. At the time, I didn’t care to make sense of what had transpired between us. All I knew was that we were back together and all was good in our relationship: for now.
My ex proceeded to tell me that men shouldn’t always believe what women say. But in my naïve head I was asking myself, “Then why would she even say something like that?” At the time, this conversation between us wasn’t doing me any good. I was still confused.
Since I didn’t know how to make sense of what I felt had been a confusing and contradictory situation, I failed to learn any lesson from it. And soon I reverted back to my chivalrous ways and put her right back on a pedestal.
Looking back at this situation as well as a few iterations of the same type of scenarios between us, I now understand how The Principle of Least Interest was at work here. Because of her stunning good looks, I would revert to treating her in an overly- chivalrous (too nice) manner. As a result of my smothering behavior, she would get bored with my putting her on a pedestal. Then she would start a fight over something and once again tell me to go home and give her some space. I would take her order to heart and stay away from her until she again came looking for me to ask me to get back together with her.
I hadn’t done anything out of spite or to gain the upper hand in our relationship. Rather, I was naïve enough to believe that my girlfriend really wanted me to leave her alone. So when I did leave her alone, as she had commanded me, then my absence provided me with the power. When I stayed away from her for a couple of weeks, she took this to mean that I had lost my interest in dating her. Therefore, unbeknownst to me, the perception of The Principle of Least Interest ended up working in my favor.
Take away points:
– The gist of The Principle of Least Interest states that the person that has the least amount of interest in continuing a relationship has the most power over it.
– In order to lessen their vulnerability, sometimes the partner who is more emotionally invested in the relationship may attempt to hide this fact.
– Therefore, I would amend the definition to read, “The Principle of Least Interest is the idea in sociology that the person that is perceived to have the least amount of interest in continuing a relationship has the most power over it.”
– When it comes to The Principle of Least Interest, the adage “Reality is one thing, but perception is everything” rings true.
