This section of the book will eventually contain some of the best books on relationships. I will be adding some titles as fast as I can. Thanks for being patient. Please check back on a regular basis until you see this notice has been removed. That will mean that I am finished with this section.
The following list contains the titles of books on relationships that I would personally recommend. Not all of them were necessarily written to help people with their relationships. However, all of the titles contain valuable information about some aspect of personal growth, or some sort of insight that will help the reader understand and perhaps better their own relationships.
A word of caution: some of the books contain information that some may find offensive (e.g. sexist, biased etc.). I’m not suggesting reading any of these works for malicious intent. Rather, I’m only recommending the books as learning materials. As I mentioned earlier in the book, I consider information neutral in nature. It is up to the individual reader to use any information gleaned from any of these readings to act in an ethical manner.
Pop Culture Publications
2002 Argov, Sherry. Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dream Girl- A
Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship.
Argov provides the reader with a how-to guide on attracting and keeping men. Her work is one of the few that gives the reader advice through specific techniques. She then discusses the reason behind each of the 100 principles she lays out. She thoroughly explains the logic behind each of her principles of attraction. Thus, the reader gains an understanding of the social implications of each principle. This method enables her audience to understand that a book on attraction must transcend mere advice by explaining how the big picture affects the small one. Hint: Argov doesn’t really mean that men love “bitches” per se. It’s just a figure of speech she uses to help make her point. This book is definitely worth the read.
2005 Behrendt, Greg & Amirra Ruotola-Behrendt. It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken. New York: Broadway Books.
Of all the books I read on how to understand and survive a breakup, this was hands-down the best one. This book is so useful that whenever I can, I purchase extra copies to hand out to people I try to help through a breakup. Although the book was aimed at females – the cover is predominantly pink- I would highly recommend it to anyone undergoing a breakup. My advice is to ignore the book’s pink cover and to just dive into the information. Even though I highly recommend this book, I actually hope no one ever has to read it! But the real world renders that an impossibility because of the great number of relationships that fail.
1980 Barrata, Ron & Linda Stone. How to Win with Women. Chicago: Mutual
Press.
As the title suggests, this book is a straightforward piece on how men should act around women in order to gain an advantage when interacting with them. It was previously titled How to Take Advantage of Women. I suppose the initial title was considered too provocative. I’m guessing the new title was changed to make the book sound more benign. Although the book title suggests it is aimed solely at straight men, the information contained in its pages is applicable to anyone who reads it.
1981 Dowling, Colette. The Cinderella Complex: Women’s Hidden Fear of
Independence. New York: Summit Books.
Although this book is considered “dated” by some readers, it is still relevant today as much as it was when it was first published. The main idea of the book is that women, despite their successful climb up the “ladder of success,” will still opt for a knight in shinning armor who will sweep them off their feet and provide for them. The book also discusses how some women even let go of their personal life dreams and opt for the dreams of their successful partner as a consequence.
1995 Fein, Ellen & Sherrie Schneider. The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for
Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. New York: Warner Books.
This book was a national best-seller when it was first released. It contains valuable information on techniques the reader can use to get a man to commit to a woman (and ultimately propose marriage to them). The book focuses on how a woman should take assertive control of a relationship instead of waiting to see whether or not their relationship will develop into a marriage commitment. This book was so popular that when it was first published, women all across America had “The Rules” themed parties where they collectively came up with strategies to use on their men. The only drawback I found was that the book presents scripts to follow. However, what happens when the relationship goes “off script?”
1996 Fein, Ellen & Sherrie Schneider. The Rules II: More Rules to Live and Love
By. New York: Warner Books.
This piece is a sequel to the above best-seller. This follow-up volume is more of the same. Just think about this book as a continuation of the first Rules book. If you enjoyed the first volume, then you are likely to enjoy the second volume in the series.
1969 Goffman, Erving. Strategic Interaction. New York: Ballentine Books.
Central to Goffman’s argument about social interaction is that communication between actors is vital to the interaction process. He provides the reader with an outline of the basic moves involved with strategic interaction. Goffman uses concrete examples to help illustrate the finer points of strategies used by actors to gain a social psychological advantage when engaging in impression management. He maintains that in the act of communication, both actors are providing clues to their actual intentions. Goffman argues that a skilled individual is attuned to this often overlooked clues and cues given off during social interaction. A skilled operator can glean clues to other people’s motives through these subtle cues provided by most people. I enjoyed the fact the Goffman divided his book into somewhat of a typology of interaction techniques and then provided at least one example from real life.
2001 Greene, Robert. The Art of Seduction. New York: Penguin Books. (A Joost Effers Book).
This publication casts actors into character types (e.g. the Sex Siren; The Rake; The Romantic Ideal etc.). Greene first profiles each character type and then gives readers advice on how to manipulate each of them by using what he claims are time-tested techniques. Greene’s work is novel and thus is why it is included in this section.
1988 Katz, Stan J. & Aimee E. Liu. False Love and Other Romantic Illusions. New
York: Ticknor & Fields.
Katz and Liu’s book is a scathing examination of the manner in which we choose our relationship partners based primarily on the level of their beauty. They claim that the illusion of beauty being equated with happiness begins in childhood. Embedded in children’s literature and social media, and continuing on into adulthood, we are presented with what they call “beauty traps” which are difficult to escape once we are ensnared into them. The authors claim that by chasing beauty, we set ourselves up for disappointment since beauty is often all style and not much content. Thus, relationships based mostly on beauty tend to be shallow and often dissolve at a rate proportionate to one’s physical beauty. In short, Katz and Liu try to show the reader how to spot these beauty traps and then suggest methods on how to avoid them.
2005 Strauss, Neil. The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists.
New York: Harper Collins.
Strauss originally went undercover investigative reporter to chronicle his journey into the little-known underground seduction societies of pickup artists. Strauss’s book is captivating. He takes his readers through the process of how to become a master seduction artist. The relationship guru in the book is a guy named Mystery. Strauss pulls no punches as he tells it like he sees it: either a man learns how to seduce women, or he stands a chance of living a lonely life only hoping that a beautiful woman will throw them a bone and go out with them. The end of the book totally surprised me. I don’t wan’t to be a book spoiler, so I won’t divulge how the book concludes. Let’s just say that when women become so easily seduced by this and that trick, then perhaps it’s the seducer who ends up living in a lonely existence. The book is worth the read and the pages almost turn themselves.
1986 Vaughan, Diane. Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. Oxford: Oxford University
This groundbreaking book reveals a process that begins in secret but gradually becomes public. That is that one of the partners in a relationship is unhappy and is considering leaving it. This book is useful for anyone who is going through a breakup. It is also useful for anyone wanting to gain a better understanding of the “uncoupling” process. The book lays out in great detail, the generic process each partner goes through while trying to navigating the often sticky social atmosphere associated with a breakup. I highly recommend this book. Vaughan shows how despite the feeling of despair and hopelessness associated with a breakup; there are plenty of others experiencing the same thing as they are forced down this harsh path. This book lets the reader know that they are not alone in their suffering.
1951 Watts, Alan. The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety.
New York: Vintage Books.
Alan Watts was the guru of Zen Buddhism and the Tao of social relationships. Let me caution the reader here: this book is difficult reading. It often takes several readings of the material to totally absorb everything in it. So don’t get frustrated and give up reading. I promise you that if you give it an honest effort, the material will suddenly “click” with you. And once this happens, the reader will “get” the points being made. Afterward, the reader will never forget the valuable insights provided by Mr. Watts. Although the publishing date of this book is 1951, it is still invaluable to our present “age of anxiety.” As of this writing, I have noticed when I ply the used bookstores; this book rarely shows up on their shelves. The saving grace is that the book can be found rather easily on the Internet.
1978 Wanderer, Zev & Tracy Cabot. LETTING GO: A 12-Week Personal Action
Program to Overcome a Broken Heart. New York: Warner Books
Taken directly from Amazon.com:
Are you crying over sad songs? Seeing his or her face in every crowd? Aching with loneliness and hoping the phone will ring? Feeling that no one else can give your life meaning?
Losing a loved one is the most devastating crisis of intimate living. It can jeopardize your health . . . even your life. You might think only passing time will ease your pain, but now you can begin to end the hurt today. Within three months you can erase painful memories, regain control of your feelings, and be free to love again.
Discover how to:
• Short-circuit acute symptoms of grief and depression
• Turn hurt into healthy anger
• Fall out of love
• Rebuild your self-esteem
• Break the “sex hook” to your ex
Meet someone new and make that relationship really work! Here is the step-by-step, week-by-week program that has already helped thousands. Now you can learn how to survive a lost romance and regenerate your love life by . . . Letting Go.
20212 Evans, Patricia. Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and
Deal With People Who Try to Control You. New York: Simon & Schuster.
I was given this book as a birthday gift from my girlfriend. Supposedly it was given to me to better understand one of my family members. However, once I began reading through it, I quickly realized that the book could have been the owner’s manual for my own girlfriend! As I was reading the book, I kept commenting out loud, “Wow!” “Oh my goodness!” I couldn’t believe how much the material in the book explained my girlfriend. The book made me realize that I was under her controlling spell. However, the book also showed me the way out of that spell. The book shows how controlling people become that way. They start out small, and disguise their controlling ways by making it seem like they are doing you a favor. Once their ways take hold, however, they incrementally start to take over your life. Eventually you begin to notice that you can’t ever seem to please the controller. They are always right. And the controlling person will tell you who you are and what you should think. This “take over” of your life can be hell. But Patricia Evans’ book will show you the escape hatch. If you are under the spell of a controlling person, this book is the antidote.
Academic Publications
There are a myriad of academic books on the topic of interpersonal relationships. However, I cannot claim to have read everything that has been published on the subject. I have managed to read a good number of them. And the ones I that I feel are the most useful are listed below. There are some books, book chapters, and articles on this subject that are aimed solely at an academic audience. I have not listed most of them because often times they are not very accessible to the average reader. Most of them are full of smart-sounding words and take pains to make the material esoteric. I can only imagine that the authors of the books I am referring to want to sound smart and knowledgeable. But what good is a book if the writing alienates the reader rather than making it easy to help them with whatever problem they are experiencing? I have vetted the academic books listed here and promise that they are not only somewhat easy to read, but that the information between their covers is useful and pragmatic.
1978 Berschied, Ellen & Elaine Hatfield Walster. Interpersonal Attraction (2nd
Edition). Reading Massachusetts: Addison-Wesley Publishing Company.
This book was written for the novice scholar wishing to gain a basic understanding of the social psychology of interpersonal attraction. The authors divide the chapters into the different types of love and attraction. Thus, they are able to illustrate and briefly explain the different academic approaches to this large academic field. Each chapter is self-contained making it possible to read each one as a free-standing piece.
1974 Huston, Ted L. Foundations of Interpersonal Attraction. New York:
Academic Press.
Like the Berschied and Walster book listed above, this work is divided into chapters on attraction from different perspectives in the field. However, in this book, each of the chapters is written by a leading author on the subject (for the mid-1970s). The book is definitely written for a university-level audience. This book is worth acquiring if the reader wishes to pursue any type of scholarly inquiry into the field of interpersonal attraction. Another way of looking at it is this book was one of the first academic publications on the subject and will provide the reader with the early written foundation for this academic field. The book contains the early scholarly writings on the subject.
1995 Laner, Mary Riege. Dating: Delights, Discontents and Dilemmas. Salem,
Wisconsin: Scheffield Publishing Company.
This book was written by one of my colleagues at Arizona State University. Over the years, Dr. Laner surveyed her students in her Marriage and Courtship courses to gather the data used in this book. Although I would cast some doubt on the book’s findings matching the larger population, it does provide the reader with some valuable insights into world of dating. After surveying more than a thousand students of various ages, the data clustered into twelve distinct categories. These twelve categories serve as the basis for Dr. Laner’s chapter headings. She then examines the positive aspects of dating (delights); the negative aspects of dating (discontents); and lastly she examines the conflicting social psychological forces (dilemmas) of all twelve dating issues. Dr. Laner knows her stuff and the book is worth the read.
1971 Murstein, Bernard. Theories of Attraction and Love. New York: Springer
Publishing Company.
This book contains seven essays written for the Connecticut College Symposium on Theories of Interpersonal Attraction in the dyad; held between October 15-16, 1970. Like the Ted L. Huston book, this book was written as an introduction and summary of the theories and viewpoints used by the authors of each of the chapters. Despite its obvious academic orientation, its precisely this introductory nature that allows the novice scholar to delve into the text and come away with a basic understanding of the theories discussed throughout this book. The reader will confront some mildly difficult academic jargon, but a few quick Internet searches will render the material readable. This volume serves as a handy primer on the subject of interpersonal attraction.
1972 Swensen, Cllifford H. Jr. Introduction to Interpersonal Relations. Glenview,
Illinois: Scott Foresman and Company.
If you are reading this far into this suggested academic readings section, you have probably noticed that I have listed a number of books written in the early to mid nineteen-seventies. This is no accident. Before that era, no one would have dared to formally study love and interpersonal attraction. Such an endeavor was below the academic and such drivel was left to the layperson seeking fame and popularity from the masses. But during the early nineteen-seventies, it became acceptable for academic scholars to formally study the phenomenon of interpersonal attraction. Therefore, the field saw an explosion in research and writings. Swensen was among these researchers. This book presents a number of viewpoints on interpersonal attraction. Swensen presents several psychological (the individual) as well sociological (social environmental) points of view. Three of the chapters deserve particular notice. There is a chapter on Exchange Theory (sometimes called Rational Choice Theory) and its effect view of attraction. There is another chapter on Game Theory and the conflicts inherent with attraction. However, the most notable chapter of the book is the one titled The Rules of Encounter. This chapter itself is worth reading by itself. Swensen summarizes the work of Erving Goffman and his “interaction order” in a plain and simple t manner. (Goffman’s work is presented in this book as the last chapter of the 14 Keys to Understanding Relationships). Swensen’s writing is lucid, and despite the publication date, it is relevant to our contemporary social world.
