“Pain and pleasure, like light and darkness, succeed each other”
– Laurence Sterne
“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people”
– K. Chesterton
Life can be full of many different types of experiences. My point is that social life consists of both positive and negative aspects. As a culture, however, we tend to over-emphasize the positive aspects of our social lives. Understandably, most people actively seek out pleasurable activities, while going out of their way to avoid pain. In order to better understand how social forces affect relationships, we must keep in mind that both positive as well as negative experiences are possible.
This same logic also applies to our love lives. Most of us tend to favor enjoyable activities with our partners, while we actively avoiding unpleasant experiences with them. This is a given fact. New crushes, romantic dates, and wedding nights are events that we usually enjoy. Fights with our lovers, news of affairs, and broken hearts are all things most of us would rather avoid. But in the end, both types of experiences make up and define most relationships. In other words, when it comes to relationships, negative and positive relationship experiences are two sides of the same coin (well, ladder in the following examples).
To help understand this dualism between positive and negative experiences associated with relationships, I like to use the analogy of a ladder. The parallel side rails of the ladder each represent one type of the two possible social experiences associated with relationships. One side represents PAIN while the opposite side represents PLEASURE. Added to this model of the “relationship ladder,” The rungs of the metaphorical ladder represent the various levels of PAIN and/or PLEASURE.
The bottom rung of the ladder symbolizes the lowest possible level of either pain or pleasure.
On the other hand, the top rung of the ladder symbolizes the highest possible level of either pain or pleasure.
As a point of emphasis, let me repeat what I am attempting to make you realize: when it comes down to it, most people have only a desire to climb the PLEASURE side of the relationship ladder. Yet, like it or not, such a desire is impossible. There exists some risk in making the climb up the PLEASURE side. That risk is that the potential for both POSITIVE and NEGATIVE social experiences exist together: side-by-side. As I mentioned above, the inescapable fact is that PAIN and PLEASURE are two sides of the same coin/ ladder.
Keeping in mind the fact that PAIN and PLEASURE exist side-by-side, what happens when a person tries to climb up the relationships ladder by using only the PLAESURE side rail? The truth is that they can’t climb very far. It is absolutely necessary that in order to climb higher on the relationship ladder, the other side rail (PAIN) is needed. Otherwise, the horizontal rungs will be unable to function.
But the fact that both the PLEASURE and the PAIN are needed to climb higher on the relationship ladder creates a dilemma. When a person is climbing up to a certain level on the PLEASURE side, the potential of PAIN will occur at any time, and at the same intensity. For example, if a person climbs to level five on the PLEASURE side, an equal intensity potential will also exist on the PAIN side.
The same is true for levels six, seven, or any of the higher levels. The reason I say potential is because although the person may be experiencing only the POSITIVE aspects of associated with level five, if something should happen to end the relationship (either voluntary or involuntary), the partner(s) would experience a level-five feeling of pain and hurt. If the couple climbs to any other higher level on the relationship ladder, again, if the relationship ended, the partner(s) would experience a higher-level feeling of PAIN.
Now let’s take a look at what makes this phenomenon so dangerous. As any one (or both) of the partners climbs each rung of PLEASURE, their joyful feelings will often blind the conscious, emotional person to the fact that the potential PAIN level is growing at the same rate as is the PLEASURE side. This “emotional blindness” makes the person affected by it want to climb into the higher levels of their relationship bliss.
Our subconscious brain, however, is not fooled by the “emotional blindness.” Rather it is fully aware of the fact that PAIN tends to exist side-by-side with the PLEASURE component. In other words, our positive sentiments may overshadow the negative potential. But down deep inside our subconscious, the brain is constantly well-aware of the existence of both types of potential.
The result is that while the “emotionally blind” person is busy enjoying the euphoric climb up the PLEASURE side of the relationship ladder, the subconscious brain isn’t fooled. And it will likely decide to do something about it. As a result, the subconscious brain may start sending out subconscious warnings to slow down the pace of the climb; to stop climbing altogether; or even to climb down to a level where it has felt safe and secure at an earlier time in the relationship.
In this type of situation, where the person is climbing the PLEASURE side of the relationship ladder, yet is blind to the PAIN side, the person “climbing” will experience a feeling similar to one of climbing high up on a cliff or up a tall tree. When people climb too high for their comfort, say on the side of that cliff or up that tree, at least they know why they feel so uncomfortable. They are conscious of being so high above the ground.
In the case of relationships, when people climb too high emotionally, they then begin to feel uncomfortable. They may be climbing too fast. Or they may be inexperienced climbers and not know how to climb safely to a higher level. But in the case of relationships, the “climbers” often start feeling scared and uncomfortable; unaware of what exactly is causing the anxiety. After all, to them everything about their relationship seems to be in order. So in their head, it couldn’t possibly be “relationship problems.”
In any event, because of their feelings of uncertainty, they will often unconsciously cause some sort of a “problem” that will force their relationship to go back down to a lower level on which they feel more comfortable and thus, safe.
When they do this, they don’t even have to be acutely aware of the actual reason they caused the fight. People experiencing this phenomenon are often upset with themselves for spoiling an enjoyable “climb” for no apparent reason. And their partner will be perplexed about why these turn of events are happening. All they know is that “things” were going along perfectly in the relationship when all-of-a-sudden their partner threw a wrench into it.
As I mentioned earlier, since these “surprise fights” seem to come out of nowhere, they tend to confuse surprise both of the partners. They just don’t seem to make any sense! Like I said, the partners probably won’t understand why such an unpleasant experience suddenly occurred when the couple seemed to be doing rather well. I am purposely drawing your attention to this often overlooked phenomenon. My point: be aware of this type of “relationship trouble” in which a negative event, such as a fight, is caused by too much of a positive experience.
The existence of this type of unpleasant experience seems to fly in the face of conventional thinking. Most unpleasant experiences are thought to be caused by some related unpleasant action (e.g. a disagreement causing a fight; or an affair causing a breakup). In cases such as the one we’ve been discussing, however, a romantic evening may cause a fight. For instance, an extra-pleasurable love-making session may cause one of the partners to suddenly distance their self from the other lover. Out of an unconscious fear, they will attempt to bring the relationship down to a more manageable level. Thus, be aware of such phenomena when trying to figure out the “cause” of a fight; a misunderstanding; or any other reason for any sudden and seemingly unexplainable onset of “relationship trouble.” If a negative result is preceded by a positive or pleasurable experience, this type of situation may be occurring.
What a Fantastic Trip, You Jerk!
For several summers, I tried my best to convince my girlfriend to accompany me to my favorite mountain getaway. However, being the bona fide city-slicker that she always claimed to be, she never expressed any interest in sleeping in a tent out in the rugged wild. Thus, she always managed to come up with one excuse or another as to why she couldn’t take off time from her work. She was actually pretty skilled at making her excuses sound plausible and so I just took her rebuffs of my efforts to get her to accompany me on one of these trips in stride.
Despite the fact that during the past few summers my girlfriend had declined several offers to getaway from the hot, noisy city, I kept on inviting her to go with me. I knew what stunning natural beauty she was missing. After all, I had taken trips to this beautiful area of Southern Colorado since I was a young boy. So whenever she declined my offer to come with me on any of these trips, I would end up going on them with some friends of mine. As a gesture of my desire to spend time with her, my philosophy was to keep extending her the offer to accompany me.
Being employed as a professor normally meant that I didn’t have to teach classes during the summer months. Therefore, I made it a point to make the yearly trip to my favorite mountain getaway: beautiful Platoro, Colorado. So at the beginning of one of my yearly three-month summer periods off of work, as I was planning the details of my trip to Platoro, I once again extended her an offer to go with me. To my utter surprise, my girlfriend finally relented and agreed to make the trip with me. I couldn’t have been more excited as I envisioned the details and promise of the romantic getaway just weeks away.
As my girlfriend and I turned off the last paved road, we bid farewell to civilization and headed deeper into the rough San Juan Wilderness in heart of the Colorado Rocky Mountains. With every mile we drove, we ventured further into the rugged mountains. This all took place on a narrow winding dirt road. The more we drove, the more she was getting intrigued about wherever it was that she had agreed to go. As we got near the old rustic mining town of Platoro, Colorado, I could see her enthusiasm increase like she had received a shot of adrenaline.
Just before sunset, my girlfriend and I arrived at our destination, checked into our rustic cabin, and unpacked our gear. A little time later, as night settled over the tiny town, we climbed into bed and started to discuss and plan the details of our upcoming morning hike. This would be a ten mile hike along the Three Forks Trailhead to Blue Lake; a pristine lake straddling a ridge on the Continental Divide.
Three Forks Trailhead Sign
The next morning we literally drove to the end of the dirt road and parked at the trailhead. Only horses, pack mules, and humans are allowed past the trailhead sign. As I exited the vehicle, I was excited just to be in such beautiful country.
The End of the Dirt Road
My girlfriend and I managed to hike all the way to Blue Lake and enjoy the unspoiled beauty of the area. There wasn’t a sound or any visible proof of city life up at that elevation. Not to mention the incredible views we enjoyed along the way and at our destination.
Blue Lake
While my girlfriend and I hiked along the trail, we engaged in some great conversations; not to mention we enjoyed the cool 65-degree weather, and those majestic views of the Continental Divide. During that same hike, I also learned that she had never ridden a horse. Oh what a city-slicker she was! I immediately planned on surprising her with a horse ride the next day. However, I didn’t want to get too far ahead of myself and forget to enjoy the activities at hand.
When we arrived back to Platoro, I treated her to a romantic dinner at the rustic lodge near our cabin. We ate our fill and then went back to the cabin to relax. That night we were both in such a great mood and decided to do something romantic. We took two sleeping bags, zipped them together and headed outside. We spread the bags out on top of one of the nearby picnic tables and watched as the heavens put on a show for us.
Platoro is virtually pitch dark at night, and the view of the stars is unimpeded by city light pollution. Oh what a show; Mother Nature threw a plethora of falling stars across the sky; one every minute or so. That night was chilly and dark, but also provided us with the right combination of effects that made for an awesome romantic experience.
The next morning after my girlfriend and I woke up, we went to eat breakfast at the lodge. While the food was being prepared, I invented a reason to excuse myself from the table for a few minutes. I snuck over to the front desk and quickly scheduled a horse back ride for later that morning. After breakfast, I surprised her and we started out on a two-hour horseback ride where we meandered through some of the most beautiful vistas in the state.
During the ride, our rugged-looking guide kept flirting with my girlfriend. My city-slicker girlfriend was elated! Not only did she get the chance to experience a horseback ride through such beautiful country, but was being flirted with the entire time by a handsome, rugged-looking trail guide. I played along with the flirting; I could tell that my girlfriend was enjoying the ride and the fact that she was the center of attention during such an enjoyable experience.
The last morning of the trip, my girlfriend and I left Platoro and headed back to the big city. But as we were driving back to Denver, I got an idea. We weren’t too far from the Maroon Bells near Aspen, Colorado. So I didn’t say anything, I just drove over beautiful Independence Pass and down into Aspen. We were able to eat in Aspen, and then we drove to Maroon Bells during the late afternoon. As we arrived, the sun was at the perfect angle to view the Bells. It looked exactly like the post cards. Unfortunately, we still had a three-hour drive back to Denver and it was already getting dark. So we got back into our vehicle and headed home.
By the time we arrived home, I was spent. I just wanted to lie down on the bed and slip off into a deep relaxing sleep. That, in fact, is what I did.
The next morning I slept in and woke up on my own terms. After such an enjoyable trip, I felt like a million bucks. My girlfriend however, was a different story. She was moody, seething, and appeared to be angry about something. I sensed she was spoiling for a fight. She was acting nervous and edgy. Something was bothering her, so I asked her what was going on. When I did, she nearly bit my head off!
“Why do you even like me? What do you see in me?”
In disbelief, I managed to mutter a, “Huh?”
“I asked you why you even like me. What do you see in me?”
I was perplexed?!?!
I then asked her, “Why are you so upset? Didn’t we just have the time of our lives?”
My Girlfriend Had Climbed “Too High” and Got Scared
When I heard those words come out of my mouth, it hit me. I immediately understood why my girlfriend was acting in such an awful manner. She was acting that way precisely because we had just had the time of our lives. It all made sense now.
My girlfriend and I had just experienced one of the best times of our relationship. Thus, she had become uncomfortable with how “high” we had climbed on the ladder of love. Or rather I should say that her unconscious was getting uncomfortable. I had taken my girlfriend too high on the PLEASURE side of the ladder. Her unconscious mind was telling her to be careful. After all, she had never been this high on the love ladder before. Her mind didn’t know how to make sense of it. So it did what it needed to do to protect her from getting hurt on the PAIN side of the ladder; it activated a defense mechanism -the fight- that allowed her to take her PLEASURE down to a lower and more comfortable level.
My Girlfriend’s Mind Had Activated a Defense Mechanism
I knew exactly what was going on, so rather than meeting the storm head on, I quietly walked up into her, confidently pulled her into my arms and kissed her on her forehead. We hugged and I told her, “Babe, everything is going to be okay. Everything is fine between us. You’re just not used to such intense romance and it’s scaring you.” We kissed and I never again heard anything negative about that trip. I only heard her talk about the excitement and fun we experienced.
