“Do I love you because you’re beautiful; or are you beautiful because I love you?”
– Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, Cinderella
“A ratio or other number derived from a series of observations and used as an indicator or measure of a certain condition.”
– Webster’s New College Dictionary (1949)
A person’s Conditioning Index is a very important concept that people use on a regular basis. However, most of them have no clue that such a formal classification index even exists. Yet, despite the fact that people aren’t aware of the formal name for the concept, they are affected by it, and use it on a regular basis. Most people know the informal label for their Conditioning Index: their “league” (on a scale between 1 thru 10). When people are asked to either rate their own physical attractiveness, or how someone else rates on the scale, they are quick to come up with a number between 1 thru 10. A “10” represents a strikingly attractive person. A “1” represents a very ugly person. Now that I describe the concept of the Conditioning Index in these terms, I would bet that you suddenly understand exactly what I am referring to.
A person’s Conditioning Index is something that takes some time to establish. It starts when we are young, and then it is with us for the rest of our lives. When people are young teenagers, they most likely rate higher in the scale between 1 thru 10. But as they slowly grow older, their place on the scale is likely to inch down as their physical attractiveness slowly begins to fade.
A person’s Conditioning Index is in constant flux. That is, over time, their “rating” on the 1 thru 10 scale is susceptible to change. This change is likely to happen very slowly. Such change occurs over a period of time as a person measures it on a regular basis. As Webster’s New College Dictionary suggests, it results from “a number derived from a series of observations, and used as an indicator or measure of a certain condition.”
This series of observations provide multiple exposures to varying social conditions. In regard to relationships, people use these various observations to make generalizations about their own place in the attraction “market.” People’s assessment of themselves, then, compared against others, serves as a basic measure of their own personal power to make things happen when it comes to relationships. In short, a person’s generic understanding about themselves and where they fall on the overall playing field (assessed by self and others) amounts to one’s “league.”
Let’s take a moment to examine this idea of a Conditioning Index using plain language. People often use the game of baseball as a metaphor for one’s “league” to orient their own conceptualization of where they stand in the overall power structure of dating and attraction. In the baseball analogy, a major league player is one who is able to catch the interest of very attractive, sought-after types.
On the other hand, a minor leaguer is someone who is only able to get the attention of the lesser-attractive types. Those in the “major leagues” tend to have more dating and relationship options, and thus, they can be choosy in their pursuits of who they will agree to be in a relationship with. On the other hand, those in the “minor leagues” tend to have limited dating options and bargaining power when it comes to establishing a relationship. So, despite their wishes, those in the “minor leagues” may have to “settle for” a partner.
Assessing one’s social status in the “system” involves a two-step process. The first assessment is made about how low or how high one ranks on the physical attractiveness scale. The second step provides further assessment in terms of the value of such a rank: low being bad, high being good. These dual assessments provide enough cross-referencing to serve as a reliable index as to where someone ranks on the 1 thru 10 scale.
In turn, as a tool of estimation, this concept of someone’s “league” facilitates interaction between people. As an abstract, generalized, and common-sense measuring device, it ultimately allows persons to orient themselves toward each other. Those people in the same “league” operate within a similar orientation which ultimately affects their sense of personal power. And because if this common orientation, certain common patterns emerge. Those persons who rate high on the scale can expect to attract others who rate relatively high on the same scale. Unfortunately, those who rate low on the scale learn that they have limited power to attract others who rate much higher on the scale.
Sometime early in our social lives we learn about the forces governing attraction. Our “attraction education” begins when we get our first simple crush, and it continues for the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, as novices, our preliminary skill is often a trial and error approach. But after some initial trials and errors inherent in the strategies we learn, we come to learn what “works” and what does “not work.” (Some people, though, never really seem to get a clue). We learn to generalize about how the “system” functions and about our power in that system.
As we grow older, our league evolves either for the better or for the worse. In our teenage years, for instance, we expect to be attracted to other physically attractive teens and them to us. Then as we age, and as our appearance changes, our “league” follows suit as we lose, maintain, or in some cases rise in status and rank in “the system.”
Because the market forces govern relationships, they operate according to a logical equilibrium. Thus, middle-aged individuals often experience a related shift in the types of people they are able to attract. Whereas older individuals often also experience a downward shift in the types of people they are able to attract.
In one sense, people should gain some practical knowledge about this system by just surviving life for as long as they have. Knowledge from the “school of hard knocks” is invaluable in this regard. Our bodies, though, often begin to lose the battle with gravity. As a result, as people tend to get wiser about matters of the heart, they also begin to show their physical age. This explains the adage, “Too bad youth is wasted on the young.”
The last concepts to discuss in this section are the social forces that govern the attraction market, and ultimately, any changes that take place within this social realm. These forces amount to a system in which people come to generalize about what they deem fair play. Any social expectations, calculated risks, or interpersonal demands are based upon this general feeling of fairness.
For instance, a college freshman who still dates a high school senior is within the bounds of society’s acceptable dating behaviors. However, should a college freshman date an eighth-grader, most people would consider this type of behavior unacceptable. As a result of these forces, most people learn to play in the league appropriate to their attractiveness and social status. As people get older, they generally learn about the changes in their social status, and their ever-evolving skill at seduction and romance.
The point here is that people become conditioned by, and accustomed to, their particular level of social power in this system. That is, they come to recognize their social power based on physical attractiveness, their corresponding social status, and any related social interaction skills they’ve developed. Such interaction ultimately affects a person’s confidence and skill at attracting others. In slang terms, this overall mix of social desirability, social status and skill at seduction is referred to as one’s “game.” In short, as people’s league (and their development of their game) emerges and evolves, it affects their sense of power to produce any desired effects.
My First Date; Well, Almost
During high school, I wasn’t very attractive. In fact, some of the people I chummed around with used to joke that I had a face for radio. Yet, despite my lack of aesthetically pleasing looks, I did have a number of “friendgirls.”
These were women who tended to enjoy my company, but weren’t interested in pursuing any romantic relationship with me. Being cute was a huge part of being part of the “in crowd” at my high school during the late 1970s. Thus, my lack of good looks meant that I really didn’t have much social status.
A number of the popular girls at my high school actually preferred hanging out with me more than they did with some of the more popular students, but were unwilling to do so in the school lunchroom where the popular crowd hung out “to be seen.”
These girls often went out to eat with me “on-the-sly.” Rose, the girlfriend of the popular quarterback, for example, would ask me to meet her on the corner just off campus where she would drive her boyfriend’s car to pick me up to go eat.
We would drive to a nearby Burger King and eat, joke, laugh, and generally converse about everything and anything. After we finished eating, she would drive me back to the corner, drop me off, and then return to campus. No one in the popular crowd was ever the wiser.
These friend-girls came up with the idea of setting me up on a date with one of their single girlfriends. They figured that if I was interesting and fun to be around, I should have a girlfriend that would appreciate these qualities. In their attempts to play matchmaker, these girls told one of their friends about me, gave me her phone number, and told me to give her a call. (They adhered to the idea that a male should call a female.)
The plan was for me to call the girl, and since I had the gift of gab, we could engage in interesting discussions. Thus, in theory, over the phone, this girl would be impressed with my personality and what we had talked about. This way when we did meet, she would be less inclined to be put off by my “radio face.” Since this plan seemed to hold some promise, I was beginning to grow excited.
My friend-girls gave me the phone number of a girl named Diana. After some initial reluctance, I got up the courage to call her. We ended up talking for hours about everything under the sun. Then after about a week of great conversations, we both decided it was time we should meet face-to-face. Since I was the male, it was only fitting that I would go to her house to meet.
We agreed to meet the upcoming Friday at her house around 6:00 P.M., and from there we would decide what to do next. I was so excited! Diana seemed cool. We had talked on the phone about a myriad of subjects including politics, dating, popularity, 1970s fashion, and we even talked extensively about our families and their quirks. We seemed to be on the same frequency, and as I said, I was very anxious to meet Diana in person.
That Friday, I was looking forward to finally meeting the girl with whom I had practically shared my entire life story. I figured that she must have also felt the same way I did; after all, we had talked for hours on the phone and seemed to be comfortable with each other. So, in a state of excitement, I arrived at her house about 5:50 P.M. I knocked on the door and nervously awaited an answer.
A young woman roughly my age opened the door and said, “You must be Pete.” She quickly shook my hand and introduced herself as Barbara, Diana’s sister. Then Barbara invited me inside and asked me whether or not I wanted something to drink. As she served the beverage, Barbara told me that Diana was upstairs getting ready. Although I was nervous, that piece of information sounded good to my ears; she was preparing to meet me. I thought to myself that perhaps this incident was turning into something I had never experienced: a real date.
Barbara also seemed excited and told me to have a seat on the couch while she went upstairs and told her sister I had arrived. She easily skipped up the staircase while I sat downstairs and pondered my fate. In no time, Barbara was back downstairs and told me that Diana would be down shortly. Now I was really nervous.
Soon after that, Diana began her descent down the stairs. She began talking from the top of the staircase as she slowly made her way down into view.
As she descended each stair, I could tell that she was assessing the situation. Her eyes were searching, looking for something. As Diana neared the middle of the staircase, her pace slowed, and she stopped talking.
Then we made eye contact. Diana’s eyes widened and her expression turned very serious. Then she stopped completely, paused for a moment, turned back toward the top of the staircase, and blurted out, “No way man! I’m not going out with him!” She ran the rest of the way up the stairs and disappeared from view.
I was slow to make sense of what had just happened. After all, Diana and I had had such interesting phone conversations, hadn’t we? We had both agreed to meet each other with what seemed to be anxious enthusiasm.
I sat on that couch dumbfounded. My disappointment must have been obvious because in an effort to help me save face, Barbara looked at me and said, “Let me go upstairs and fix this.” She hurried up the stairs while I attempted to make sense of the rapidly unfolding events, which seemed to be happening both in slow motion and terribly fast motion simultaneously.
I could clearly hear Diana and Barbara upstairs arguing about what had just happened. I listened attentively, still hoping to salvage the date. But I had no clue how a real date was supposed to unfold; I’d never actually been on one.
All I knew was that this one wasn’t panning out the way I had thought. I wanted to remain optimistic, but it was getting more difficult to do with each passing second. Clearly I heard Barbara say to her, “Come on, don’t be so rude.” To that, Diana just kept on repeating, “No way man, I’m not doing it.”
The argument must have progressed into an adjacent room because I heard a door slam and their argument was no longer audible. Barbara was soon descending the stairs in a slow but deliberate manner. She told me that Diana was being a “b**ch” and that what had just happened wasn’t my fault. I realized Barbara was just trying to help me feel better, but I knew the blame lay with me.
Suddenly, my heart felt heavy with disappointment. I had never been on a real date before, and thus, I had been looking forward to that night with eager anticipation. Diana’s sister showed me to the door, all the while calling her sister a few choice words. But by this time, I knew better; my “radio face” had let me down.
It was because of such experiences while growing up that I came to feel I wasn’t very attractive to females. I would even say that because of a series of such experiences, even today I don’t believe that very women find me physically attractive. However, theses days I don’t really care much about how I am to women. I rarely even think about it. In fact, after I was discharged from the military, my self-confidence was sky high and attractive women began to approach ME! I may not have felt very attractive, but I no longer questioned it. I suppose my personality got me through.
Pete in high school 1976
