Another facet of relationships that we need to delve into is passion. Most relationship partners aren’t knowledgeable about how passion works. No doubt passion causes people much enjoyment in their relationships. On the other hand, however, people’s lack of understanding of how passion works can also cause people innumerable heartache.  

Most people only think of passion in positive terms. They are familiar with passion as the desirable chemistry that sweeps them off their feet with its pleasurable intensity. This stereotyped passion is positive in nature, and it is very enjoyable. 

Yet, there exists another type of passion that is also intense. Yet, rather than being pleasant and desirable, this negative passion is unpleasant and hurtful. And believe it or not, this type of passion does offer excitement to some people. This kind of negative passion may cause a person to obsess about another person in ways that are not exactly enjoyable, but are nonetheless often exciting to them in some odd sort of way. This negative passion makes a person cry tears of pain instead of tears of pleasure. The politically correct thinking about relationships ignores this negative passion.  

What people don’t realize, however, is that passion is an absolute value. That is, it can either be positive passion or it can be negative passion (i.e., kind, compassionate, and unselfish versus wild, edgy, jealous, and unpredictably intense). What also causes people confusion is that positive and negative passions may look like the same thing; because passion is passion.  

l 6 l  =  6 or -6 

Remember in sixth grade when you learned about absolute values? Remember how the absolute value of “six” could be expressed as either a positive or a negative number? Well think about passion as being expressed in a similar manner.  

l P l  =  P or -P 

Passion can be felt as either a positive or as a negative emotion. Either way, passion is passion. In either case, each of these passions can stimulate a relationship. 

In the beginning of most relationships, positive passion is alive and well. As a result of this blissful passion, a new couple can’t keep their hands off of one another. And in their new passionate heat, they “inaugurate” every room. This heat lasts from about three to six months. After that, “reality” starts to slowly affect the relationship. Their relationship begins to cool off and the couple develops a routine in which the partners become comfortable living in. But what the couple doesn’t realize is that passion is an absolute value. Thus, passion will no doubt continue to influence their relationship. But now it will slowly, and almost imperceptibly, change from a positive passion into a negative passion. 

So, as the flames of passion begin to cool off in the midst of a daily routine, the partners will somehow attempt to keep their passion alive. The couple will usually do this by slowly moving their relationship from a relationship influenced by a positive passion into one that is more defined by a negative passion. 

For example, the couple will start finding something to fight about. As they fight, each of them will come to realize that their relationship is in potential jeopardy. They are faced with the fact that the relationship can end; and it may end very quickly. The threatening “distance” makes the couple realize how much they may actually care about one another.  

As their relationship began to settle into a social routine, each of the partners slowly took it for granted. So, in order to introduce some “excitement” back into their relationship, the couple were likely to fight over the simplest provocation.  

Each of the partners never really believed that their relationship would ever get to this dangerous point where their relationship may actually end. Thus, the couple suddenly realized that they had to work at keeping the relationship together. That is, they were forced to face the fact that they must put in the necessary effort required to keep the relationship alive. And once the partners are forced into putting effort back into their relationship, they suddenly can’t take it for granted. In fact, precisely because they have to put in the effort to rescue their relationship, the more valuable it is to the partners precisely because the effort they put into their relationship make them once again value it. 

One way the couple does this “rescue operation” is to engage in great make-up sex (again very passionate because everything they have worked for is on the line). And since this tactic seems to get them back on track, the couple will decide to give the relationship (yet) another try.  

But after this great makeup sex occurs, the routines of life again take over the partners’ lives. The couple once again begins to take their “rescued” relationship for granted as things seem to get securely back on track. With the “near-death” of the relationship squarely in their minds, the partners try to avoid going down that path again and put forth some bona fide effort to avoid such a close-call.  

But again, life has a way of settling into a routine and thus, once again the flame of the relationship begins to slowly smother out. So, the couple revert to another round of “relationship rescue.” And again, this effort to resuscitate their relationship does the trick; the partners once again begin to appreciate what they almost lost.  

This cycle is likely to repeat itself in a series of relationship “rescues.” As each partner again begins to feel taken-for-granted, the couple eventually has yet another blowout; and again, they end up realizing what’s at stake (the end of the relationship). And once again they get passionate about reviving the heat they felt at the beginning of their relationship. That is, they again find themselves in the position where they can’t take their relationship for granted.  

By this time, the couple only comes to value the relationship when it’s at risk of dissolving, and thus they can’t take it for granted. The couple then gets stuck in a loop where the makeup sex is great, and once again, because of that regained or recaptured heat, the couple is fooled into thinking their relationship is out of harm’s way.  

This “dance of love” happens over and over as the cycle repeats itself until slowly the passion the partners introduce becomes more and more negative and lethal. They eventually get to a point where this dance of positive/ negative passion just isn’t enough to keep the heat alive because resentment starts seeping in. And resentment tends to snuff out the heat of any relationship. 

Whenever someone feels the feeling of resentment, it tends to cause them to want to engage in an act of revenge.  So, whenever a relationship reaches this point, each of the partners will use whatever powers they have to exact revenge on the other partner. At this point, the negative passion in the relationship is too ingrained to beat it back with just an episode of makeup sex.  

By this time, it’s likely that the partners personally can’t stand each other. In order to once again introduce the missing positive passion into the relationship, the partners each have to ratchet up the positive passion enough so that both of the partners become able to overcome the actions the other partner had to resort to in order to once again get the results of the negative passions.  

Instead of makeup sex being the key to regain each partner’s happiness, the partners each begin to look outside of the relationship for that positive passion they once each enjoyed.  

Because of the introduction of resentment, each of the partners begins to look beyond the “revenge routine” and start appreciating anyone else who shows them some positive attention. This positive attention contrasts nicely with the revenge games they are experiencing in their marriage / relationship.  

At this point in the relationship, no longer is there enough positive passion to overcome the negative passion and patterns of revenge to securely return the relationship to its original glory. At this point, each one of the partners is willing to look outside the relationship to once again find and experience the positive passion they enjoyed so much at the beginning of their previous relationship.