“Men fall in love through their eyes. Women fall in love through their ears.”
– Dr. K. N. Jacob
“Love is the whole history of a woman’s life; it is but an episode in a man’s.”
– Madame de Stael
It is said that men and women often operate on “different sheets of music.” That is, because of their different socialization processes, they often have diverse points of view on the same “reality.” This social difference between the sexes also occurs because of the double standard used to evaluate them. Essentially, what the double standard does is hold each gender to different social expectations (at least outwardly). 
Gendered Brains are Different from One Another
Because of their different socialization processes, they often have different points of view on the same “reality.” Or, as President Trump’s White House counselor Kellyanne Conway said, these different points of view were “alternative facts.”
An example of these “alternative facts” is the well-established concept of the double standard. For instance, a man who acquires a number of sexual partners is viewed as a “stud.” The label “stud,” in this sense, has a positive social connotation. On the other hand, a woman who has more than one sex partner is likely to be labeled “easy” or even vulgar belittling labels such as “whore.” In the case of a woman having multiple sex partners, the labels she is pinned with all have a negative social connotation.
These gender differences are not only limited to the sexual realm. There are also many realms of gender differences in definition, meaning and social interpretation that tend to paint the females in a more negative light than they do their male counterparts.
Let’s take a look at how the double standard may rear its ugly head even on the first date a man takes a woman on. When a man and woman go out on their first date, they are likely to go eat dinner together.
While at dinner, the woman will probably be very aware of her food: how large the portions are; calories in the dish she wants to order; etc. She may even seriously contemplate how much food should she order. Then, after the food order arrives, she may be self-conscious about how much food she should actually eat. If she eats too much food (in her eyes, that is), she may worry whether or not she will look like a pig to her date.
The man, on the other hand, will also be aware of what food she orders. His thinking, however, is focused more on an economic level. His concern isn’t necessarily whether or not she will look like a pig (by eating large portions). Rather, his concern is whether or not she eats the entire meal that he is paying for. To him, the food she doesn’t eat represents a waste of his hard-earned money.
The Sad Truth
Another realm in which there is a noticeable gender difference is in expressing emotions. Men often comment that women are “too emotional.” That is, some men feel that women get too emotional about issues that, in their eyes, could be dealt with in a calmer, more rational manner. These types of men feel that becoming overly-emotional about an issue is a hindrance to rational, clear thinking. Yet, in the long run, women’s emotional behavior may have some personal as well as social benefits after all.
Women, for example, are not discouraged from keeping intact, their network of other women with whom they can discuss issues in their lives that make them become emotional. They do this through frequent phone calls; text messages; by emailing one another; or having Sex in the City-type Sunday brunches. During these chats, women are free to express their feelings about a number of issues related to their lives. This can prove to be very useful, and at times, therapeutic to these women, especially during a breakup.
Men, on the other hand, are not generally encouraged to act emotional or even talk about their emotions. Thus, when a man is faced with some life-event that causes them grief (e.g., a breakup, or a death), he is often at odds with himself about how to deal with the emotional aspects of the grieving process. This emotional grieving is a normal part of life, and, more specifically, is a vital feature of any healing process.
Obviously, gender differences are not limited to these two areas of men’s and women’s personal and social lives. There are plenty of personal and social areas with such differences. In fact, it would be easier to list the places where the double standard does not exist than to list the places where the double standard does exists.
I am not saying that all men are emotionless. Nor am I saying that all women are hindered by irrational emotions. This type of deterministic thinking would be rather naïve and too simplistic. Nevertheless, in some circumstances, and to some extent, such phenomena do exist. What I am saying is that society is not devoid of such emotional patterns do exist, and that people should be aware of their existence. Since such gender differences influence a significant portion of our personal and social lives, my intention here is to make people aware of their existence. Knowing how they affect our relationships is crucial knowledge needed to establish and maintain healthy ones.
For most of my life I was very “successful” with women. I don’t say this as the typical guy trying to brag about their ability to seduce women. It wasn’t that I had exceptional good-looks. Nor was I a member of the “A” crowd in any of my social networks. Not to mention that some of my “success” was with women who didn’t really circulate in the most popular social circles. Yet, as I got older, the “quality” of the women I got into relationships with would improve. Eventually, I was able to date and have relationships with some caring, smart, and very attractive women. I owe a lot of my success with women to the fact that, since an early age, I clearly understood the difference between the sexes.
If you could see some of the women I was in relationships with over the span of my life, you too would probably be somewhat impressed. But I have to admit, I had a few secret weapons that I had to use in my favor. I only use such an analogy figuratively. I don’t mean to imply that I was at war with any woman, nor do I imply that I had to break through any woman’s defenses in order to conquer them. What I mean by that comment is that I understood what women wanted. Mostly I understood the difference between what guys thought women wanted and what women themselves actually wanted.
Let me divulge some of the “secret weapons” I had to use in my pursuit of a quality dating partner. First, I grew up around females. I have three sisters who were all very physically attractive. Thus, from the time we grew up together, and then all throughout their adult lives, they told me all about their fantasies about what they wanted from the men they got into relationships with. Moreover, I was able to see how these expectations changed as they grew up and matured.
One of the most important contributors to my outlook on how to behave in my own relationships was that I saw how, as little girls, they were taught that their relationships with boys would one day be like the fairytales they had been told. In these fairytales, the handsome boys would first catch the girl’s eye in a romantic manner. Next, these good-looking boys would notice that the girl was interested in them (because they would be dresses and act appropriately), and the attractive boy of their interest would end up sweeping them off of their feet.
The relationships the girls and their handsome love interests would establish would be defined by lots of romantic kissing, gifts, and an inordinate amount of chivalrous behaviors that demonstrated the boy’s unconditional love for them. For example, these boys would take them to eat at nice restaurants. In addition, these boys would listen with an active ear as these women told them about their daily lives. Additionally, these boys would demonstrate their love for the girls by honestly and actively attending to the girl’s personal needs and desires.
When it came to sexual relations, these fairytale boys would prefer to make love to them rather than to merely “have sex” with them. Furthermore, these boys would cuddle with their girl on the couch or in bed and would let them choose the programming. In short, whenever they had a chance to do so, during the day, these fairytale boys would find ways to let their girls know that they were thinking about them. And finally, these boys would act considerate and kind as they grew older together with their lovers.
The males’ definition of what constituted love differed considerably from the females’ expectations. Males believed that females wanted a man who could provide for them. These guys thought that women wanted a man who could afford to offer them a secure life and who would provide for them and their children. When it came to sex, males thought that women wanted a man who had a large penis and could perform a plethora of sexual “tricks” that would please their woman. Males also thought that women fell in love with a man who wasn’t a wimp. This dream guy could fight and could also protect her from any danger that would confront her. This macho man was hard-core and was a defined what it meant to be masculine.
These competing models stand in contrast to one another. Thus, the problem with these competing models is that these two very different males existed on the opposite sides of the romantic continuum. The fact was that women wanted a man who was tough and one who could protect her from danger. However, these same women also wanted their man to be affectionate, compassionate and a guy who would be attentive to their every need. A macho man who was tough wasn’t the type who would also want to cuddle with his partner and send her romantic texts during the day to let her know that he was thinking about her. On the other hand, the guy who would be compassionate and sensitive to his woman’s needs normally didn’t have the macho temperament needed to be rough and tough in various social situations.
Now that we have discussed the contrasting models of what males and females think they want from a relationship partner, let me tell you about my secret weapons. My first secret weapon was that I learned how to kiss; and how to kiss well. There is a huge difference between the two. I was willing to engage in make-out sessions with my girlfriends. I purposely learned how to kiss passionately. Women absolutely love to passionately kiss their men.
My second secret weapon was that I had a bionic ear. I can hear you laughing at this example. However, if you think about it, how many men enjoy listening to their woman as she drones on about her daily life? Not many. I, on the other hand, learned to listen to what was actually happening in my girlfriends’ lives. In fact, I would take it to another level: I would ask her about her day and then actively listen to the details. Other guys may have listened to their girlfriend talk about what happened to her during her day, but then disparaged her id she mentioned anything they didn’t like or agree with. You can’t as your partner to tell you about their day and then jump down their throat if they told you about something that made you feel uncomfortable.
My third secret weapon was that I was willing to act romantic and put her first when it counted. A lot of guys only go through the motions when it comes to acting romantic. For example, many males think that they could just give their women expensive gifts in order to prove to them how much they care about them. What these guys failed to realize was that it isn’t merely about how much money a gift costs that proves their love. Rather, it is how much thought went into the gift that makes it worth anything. I would pay close attention to what my girlfriends talked about and then would use whatever information they provided me as a guide to what gift I needed to give them.
My fourth secret weapon was that I always made sure that my girlfriends knew that they were my priority. I didn’t care whether or not my male friends ribbed me for “checking in” with my girlfriends while I was hanging out with my buddies. I would find a way to let her know that she was on my mind while I was out with the guys. Of course I got a lot of grief whenever I did this, but in the long run, it was my girlfriend that I was going home to. It wasn’t my guy friends who I was going home to.
It’s too bad that other guys didn’t understand the social dynamics of relationships that I illustrated above. If guys understood the gender differences that I discussed above, then perhaps many of the, would have “success” with women. Unfortunately, too many males still believe that women want a big paycheck and a huge penis in order to be happy. This is a guy’s interpretation of what women want. Women want a guy who will listen to her. They want a guy who will take her seriously. They want a guy who will put her first. Women want a guy who can protect her, but who is also willing to cuddle with her on the couch while they watch one of her shows.
Although I took a lot of grilling by my male friends for making my girlfriends my priority, I never wavered from this thinking. My girlfriends always appreciated that I did this. A lot of my guy friends just can’t envision this way of thinking. They still buy into the idea that macho men get all the girls. And perhaps they do. But macho men who know how to kiss; and who give their girlfriends backrubs; and who are willing to cuddle on the couch with them are better positioned to have successful relationships.
In the 1970s, Sylvester Stallone was one of the better-known actors because of his role as Rocky Balboa. Not only was Rocky a vulnerable boxing underdog, but despite what life threw at him, he always let his girlfriend Adrian know that she was the apple of his eye. Even when his eyes were punched shut, he called out her name in the ring, letting her know that she meant everything to him. One of the best-selling posters of Sylvester Stallone during his heyday was one in which he is featured in a pose that not only showed off his bulging muscles, but showed him with a cute kitten resting on his huge bicep. The message that poster sent was that Sylvester Stallone was not only a macho, but that he was also a sensitive macho man.
I guess you can attribute the fact that my success with women was due to my willingness to become their romantic dream come true. In fact, I couldn’t understand why other men wouldn’t have gotten a clue about such an approach. If women wanted romance, then I made sure to provide them with a healthy dose of it. I would kiss them passionately. I would write them romantic notes. I would cuddle with them on the couch. It wasn’t rocket science that a guy needed to understand in order to be successful with women. Rather, it was a mere understanding that men and women’s definition of what a romantic relationship should be like differed according to their upbringing.
Michelle Dislikes Kevin Before She Even Meets Him
“When it comes to women, Kevin could close a deal when there wasn’t even a deal to close.” Those are the words I remember using to describe my friend Kevin to my new girlfriend Michelle. Some of us men that knew Kevin were envious of his sexual prowess. What guy wouldn’t be? To us guys, Kevin had a sexual gift with women. What I failed to realize was that some women didn’t necessarily view a man like Kevin in the same light as some of us men did. These women didn’t like Kevin. In their eyes he was nothing less than a man-whore.
When I was in college, I met a woman named Michelle. We immediately hit it off and began what would turn out to be a long-term relationship. As most couples do when they first meet, we both began the process of self-disclosure. That is, we started to tell each other about our families, our friends, and our sometimes crazy relatives. I heard all about her extended family, her neighborhood, and her fellow schoolmates. I proceeded to do the same and told her all about my family and my circle of friends. It was during that self-disclosure process that I told her about my friend Kevin.
Shortly after I met Michelle is when I made the comment that I opened this chapter with. I told Michelle about how one time Kevin had slept with two sisters; and then shortly after that, when his wife got home from work, he had sex with her too.
I know what some women are thinking about Kevin while reading this, but give me a chance to explain this incident in greater detail. Evidently, Kevin performed so well during sex with the first sister that she went home and told the other sister about Kevin’s sexual talents.
The other sister went to Kevin’s house, knocked on the door and asked whether or not he was Kevin. He said he was in fact Kevin, and after that brief introduction, she introduced herself. Then she demanded that Kevin give her some of what he had given her sister. Because Kevin realized that this type of sexual situation didn’t occur very often, he obliged and gave her some of the same “stuff” ha had given her sister. Let’s just say that the second sister also left Kevin’s house a satisfied woman.
After Kevin did “the deed” with the second sister, he had about an hour to rest before his wife was due to get off work. When Kevin’s wife came home from work, Kevin also had sex with her.
After I finished telling Michelle this story about Kevin’s sexual exploits, she said in no uncertain terms that she didn’t like Kevin. That comment took me by complete surprise! After all, Michelle had never even met him. I was thinking that she should at least meet him before she made that type of decision. But trust me; Michelle’s mind was made up about her dislike of Kevin.
Somehow Michelle could tell that I was puzzled by her comment. She told me that Kevin was selfish and that he was the type of man that used women for sex. As much as I wanted to resist Michelle’s negative assessment of Kevin’s character, I couldn’t. Because the more I thought about it (and I was doing some pretty quick thinking), the more I could see her point. Somehow it felt different to tell this story than it had repeating it among our all-male group of friends and various teammates.
A few months after that incident, I was telling Michelle yet another story about Kevin’s “sexploits.” She immediately became upset, told me to stop, and again commented that she thought that Kevin was a pig. Yet again, I couldn’t argue with her. After all, I had brought it up. I tried to downplay her remark by saying that she just didn’t know Kevin very well. That tactic didn’t go over very well. Next, I tried the tactic of telling Michelle that she would change her mind when she actually met Kevin. I argued that perhaps after she actually met Kevin that she would realize his redeeming qualities and change her mind. Despite my wishful thinking, Michelle never changed her mind.
About two years after having this conversation, Michelle and I were on a road trip and somehow the subject of Kevin came up. It was then that she made a comment that totally surprised me. Michelle claimed that when she and I first met, that I wasn’t planning to stay with her for very long. She basically accused me of going along for the “sexual ride” with no real plans to stay with her over the long haul. I had no clue where this line of reasoning was coming from, nor did I have a clue where it was headed. Thus, I asked her why she had made such a remark.
Michelle went on to explain to me that when she and I first met, that I immediately tried to tell her stories about Kevin that painted his often questionable sex life in a positive light. She then said that according to a female’s thinking, such talk told her that I had never planned on her meeting Kevin. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have told her those stories about him. She commented further that if I had planned on her meeting Kevin, I would have kept those creepy sexual stories a secret from her. That way, when she did meet him, she wouldn’t already be creeped-out by having knowledge about his deceitful sex life.
By her own logic, perhaps Michelle had always been right about Kevin. Not to mention that at that point, it was too late to worry about that issue. To be truthful, I hadn’t given the issue much though. At that point, all that really mattered was that she and Kevin lived a thousand miles apart and I thought that they would likely never run into one another. I should have thought again.
Some years later, I graduated from college. My family and good friends made the trip to attend the graduation ceremonies; including my friend Kevin. At the time, Michelle was very involved with her sorority. Being that I was her boyfriend, she and some of her sorority “sisters” attended the graduation ceremony, and the subsequent graduation party. Her sorority “sisters” were young and attractive women. So you can imagine how excited Kevin was to see so many cute, young coeds show up to the graduation party. As Kevin circulated and tried to flirt with these young women, it was obvious that they didn’t want anything to do with him.
This was such a big surprise; Kevin unable to easily meet and pick up women at a party? Michelle’s sorority “sisters” seemed to be avoiding him like he had a disease or something. As it turns out, Michelle had put the word out via social media that Kevin was a man-whore. In no uncertain terms, she had strongly advised that her sorority “sisters” stay away from him. During those festivities, I genuinely felt bad for Kevin; he had no clue why his luck with women had been so bad that night. And I have to be honest; I was too embarrassed to tell him about the APB that my girlfriend had sent out.
For this section, I am going to use two vignettes to help me illustrate my point about the differences between the sexes. I could have used four stories that were very relevant to this section. If you would like me to post the additional stories about gender differences, leave a comment below.
Mr. Paratrooper Tries to Impress the Prettiest Woman in Class.
During one long hot summer in Phoenix, I taught a course on race and ethnic social relations. Toward the end of the semester, the brother of a female student enrolled in the course came to visit class. He was on leave from the US Army. Mr. Paratrooper arrived dressed in his BDUs (camouflage service fatigues). I immediately noticed that he had on the maroon beret of the 82nd Airborne Division, and sported a RANGER scroll on his right shoulder. Judging by his age, he could only have earned that combat scroll in Somalia in the fierce battle depicted in the movie Blackhawk Down. He was also wearing a pair of green and black jungle boots; a pair of US Army parachute wings; a pair of Spanish jump wings; and he had a C.I.B. on his chest (Combat Infantry Badge meant that he had seen combat as an infantryman). With those impressive credentials, he was welcome in my classroom. 
This visiting paratrooper quickly noticed a very attractive female student that was seated in the classroom. During the final week of the semester, he attended class and soon become enamored by her. To his benefit, the class was ending soon. In classes such as these, where there is a lot of heated discussion, the students normally met at an apartment complex pool and shared a potluck meal as everyone “kissed and made up.”
Because Mr. Paratrooper had been in class during that last week, he knew about this upcoming get-together. After the students discussed the details of the get-together, he approached me and asked if he could attend. I had no qualms with his request, so I said, “Sure.” I never anticipated what would happen next.
When I arrived at the pool area where the potluck was being held, Mr. Paratrooper was already there. Despite the suffocating August heat, he was decked out in his dress green uniform; replete with all its colorful patches; his shiny metal badges; his colorful rope cords; and several rows of military service ribbons. His jump boots were shined like mirrors and neatly bloused into his dress pants. His beret was impeccably formed and complemented his clean-shaven face.
As I made my rounds amongst the guests, I kept my eye on Mr. Paratrooper. He was must have been very uncomfortable in that stuffy multi-layered dress uniform. Sweat was climbing along his collar and becoming obvious. This uniform stuck out to me. I had worn one myself during the 1980s. However, in such sweltering heat, the Army had us wear a uniform made of a lightweight cotton rip-stop fabric that was made for such occasions. This was the lightweight rip-stop fabric was what our men and women wore during their tours in Vietnam.
I had lived in Phoenix long enough to know that this type of behavior was odd, to say the least. I had a hunch Mr. Paratrooper was up to something. Immediately, I had a feeling that he was trying to impress the attractive woman from class that had caught his eye.
It didn’t take too long for my hunch to be confirmed. Mr. Paratrooper motioned me over and asked me if I would “blood his wings” in front of the entire party. Now everything about this odd situation began to make perfect sense. I knew what he was up to; he wanted to prove to the attractive female how tough he was.
From the get-go I realized this was a bad idea. Thus, in order to be somewhat polite, I asked him why he wanted me to do such a thing. And of course, he said he wanted to impress the attractive woman from class. I cautioned him that such a display may have quite the opposite effect. But Mr. Paratrooper was insistent and so I reluctantly agreed.
Mr. Paratrooper confidently called attention to himself. He asked the DJ to halt to the music. Then he drew everyone’s attention to what he was about to do. He unloosened his tie, unbuttoned his uniform, and unfastened the small brass fasteners from the sharp brass prongs that held his metal badges to his uniform. He plucked his jump wings (his paratrooper badge) from the cloth above his left chest pocket and asked me to hit him in the chest to make those sharp brass prongs penetrate through the cloth and then embed themselves in the flesh on his chest.
In paratrooper jargon, this was known as getting “blood wings.” It was a military practice designed to prove how tough a paratrooper was. After all, they were known to be some of the most aggressive and squared away soldiers in the entire military establishment. Not many civilians knew about such a practice.
In order to comply with Mr. Paratrooper’s request, I hit his chest with a half-hearted blow. However, he could tell I wasn’t putting anything into the punch and insisted that I hit him harder. I stepped into the next blow and could feel the brass prongs of his jump wings sink into his skin. After I hit him, he didn’t like the fact that the badge ended up being crooked above his rack of colorful service ribbons. Again, he plucked the badge from his chest and asked me to perform the ritual again.
The mouths on the onlookers were ones of awe and even disbelief. However, as blood began to seep across his chest and onto his gleaming white tee-shirt, the onlooker’s awe turned into disgust. This event had put-off most of the people who had gathered to witness it. One-by one, the crowd began to disperse as the blood became more obvious.
Such physical activity made me feel hot, so I went over to the pool and climbed in to cool off. As I was standing there on the steps in the shallow water, the attractive female that Mr. Paratroopers was trying to impress came over to the pool, bent down toward me and told me that she was leaving the event. I pretended to act like I didn’t understand why she wanted to leave. She told me that she was bothered by the sight of blood on Mr. Paratrooper’s shirt. Evidently, her stomach had become upset and she just wanted to leave the scene.
From the minute that Mr. Paratrooper had confided in me what he was going to do to impress the attractive female, I immediately had misgivings about such a plan. For one thing, not many people are comfortable with seeing blood. For another, I just had a hunch that a female would probably not appreciate such a display of bravado designed to show other men how tough they were. Plus, the attractive female was a civilian. She probably didn’t even have a clue about the reason for such a demonstration.
As I mentioned above, as soon as Mr. Paratrooper told me about his plan to impress the attractive female, I knew that the was not only going to fail to impress her, but that she would be put-off by such a show of bravado. I had tried to warn against it, but Mr. Paratrooper was insistent, so I had acquiesced. Perhaps I should have had the guts to be completely honest with him. In the end, Mr. Paratrooper never got the attractive female’s contact information. In fact, he never heard from her again.
