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“You’re not in competition with anyone but yourself. Outdo your past, not other people.”
– Unknown
“I will not compete for anyone’s attention. If you have other people you’re entertaining then you don’t need me.”
– Unknown
You can look at the competition and say you’re going to do it better. You have to look at the competition and say you’re going to do it differently.
– Steve Jobs
“Competition can damage self-esteem, create anxiety, and lead to cheating and hurt feelings. But so can romantic love.”
– Mariah Nelson
Many people believe that their competitors in matters of the heart should automatically be their enemy. This thinking could hardly be further from the truth. In fact, your competition may actually be your best ally in cementing you relationship with your partner. If you are one of those that think that your competition is something to fear, let me attempt to change how you view this issue.
The bottom line is that your partner chose you: period. Therefore, anyone challenging your partner’s choice (you) is in fact challenging their judgment. Let’s say that someone challenges the strength of your relationship by saying something to your partner such as, “What are you doing dating this loser? You should be with me. Kick that bum to the curve and let me show you a real relationship.”
In this hypothetical example, the competitor is actually insulting your partner. On the surface, such a comment may seem rather benign. After all, the competitor may actually feel that they had something better to offer your partner in the way of a romantic relationship. But in actuality, the competitor is putting your partner down by implying that they know what’s best for them. Basically, the competitor is saying that they “know better” than your partner who did the actual choosing.
This action by the competitor shows that in the least, they are rude and probably think they are God’s gift to the opposite sex. That types of remarks imply that the competitor is full of them self and thinks that they would be doing anyone a favor by dating them.
By putting down your partner’s judgment, your competitor may be stepping on a hidden landmine without even realizing it. If your partner wants to maintain any sense of dignity, they will have to defend their choice: which is you. If a mere challenge to your partner is all it takes to make them want to jump ship and abandon your relationship so easily, then you never really had a strong relationship to begin with. In such a scenario, your competitor would actually be doing you a favor if they could merely talk your partner into dumping you in order to date them. After all, a partner who would abandon you so easily was never really a partner worth having. Bye Felicia!
To reiterate my point, whenever someone overtly challenges a person’s relationship partner in such a rude manner, that partner should make a concerted effort to step up and defend their own personal choice of who they want to date. Otherwise, the partner being challenged will feel like their choice didn’t really matter. So, if someone challenges your partner’s choice to be with you, let the situation play out. I bet your partner will defend their choice to date you.
Now if the competitor does something physically to your partner, that is a different matter altogether and should be dealt with in a special way. In cases such as these, I can’t say what the “proper” action would be in order to confront this type of physical challenge. I will leave such a response up to how you define the situation. I won’t lie, any verbal or physical confrontation may end up with you wearing an orange jumpsuit. So be careful how you handle such physical challenges.
The reason I wanted to include a chapter on this subject was because during my dating life, I had many such competitors try to steal my girlfriends away from me. As you may remember from the story My First Date: Well Almost (in the chapter on Conditioning Index), I wasn’t necessarily the best-looking guy. But the universe was very kind to me when it came to dating and relationships. I dated, and was in a long-term relationship with, some confident, smart and beautiful women. So when I would be out socializing with a girlfriend, often times some popular guy, or a random muscle-bound meathead, would attempt to “steal” my girlfriend away from me.
However, I wasn’t ever really worried about any guy stealing my girlfriend away from me. As you will read about in the chapter “Collecting” Running Water: Facilitating Your Partner’s Escape, I never let jealousy take hold in any of my relationships. Rather, I encouraged my girlfriends to enjoy it whenever someone flirted with them. I knew such flirting made them feel good, and thus, I wanted them to be able to feel good about such a compliment without worrying whether or not I was going to get upset about it.
When I was dating on of the most beautiful women on the planet, I could tell which of my male friends were truly my friend. They were the ones who never flirted with my girlfriend.
After my dad met one of my girlfriends, he asked me if I had ever heard of the song When You’re in Love with a Beautiful Woman by Doctor Hook. Of course I had heard of it. That popular song came out in 1978 while I was in high school. My dad asked me if I remembered to the lyric that said, “When you’re in love with a beautiful women, you better watch your friends, you better watch your friends.” Let me just say that was a very prophetic song. I took my dad’s nugget of wisdom to heart and made sure I did whatever I could to “affair-proof” my relationships.
One last nugget of wisdom. When I was dating on of the most beautiful women on the planet, I could tell which of my male friends were truly my friend. They were the ones who never flirted with my girlfriend.
My Girlfriend Goes to the Campus Gym and is Hit on By the Big Man on Campus
When I was in college, I dated one of, if not the best looking women on campus. And because of my dad’s advice, I made sure to discuss with my girlfriend, all of the events in her daily life. If she went on a trip, I asked her to tell me all about it. If she had a good or bad day, I asked her to tell me all about it. If she hung out with her friends or family, I asked her to tell me all about it. If she met a new friend, I asked her to tell me all about it. And as you have probably guessed, if a guy flirted with her, I asked her to tell me all about it. Most guys would probably shy away from acting in such a manner, but as you can probably tell from the contents of this book, I am not the average guy.
In the section on maintaining a relationship, in the chapter, Jealousy: Dealing with the Green-Eyed Monster, I strongly suggest that people should nip any hint of jealousy in the bud. Because once jealousy takes root, it is difficult to get under control. So rather than worrying about what my girlfriend did during her day, or what random guy attempted to either flirt with her, or even ask her out, I encouraged her to tell me if these types of activities even took place. I didn’t ask my girlfriend about these events because I was myself jealous. Rather, I genuinely wanted to know what was going on in her life.
When we came home from a day spent on campus, we would sit down together and enjoy eating dinner together. The topic of conversation started out with me asking her to tell me about how her day went. Remember, I genuinely wanted to know what was going on in her life.
Sometimes she would tell me about what happened in her classes. Other times she would tell me about something that happened with someone in her family. And at times, she would tell me about how one guy or another either flirted with her, or even had the guts to ask her out on a date.
Now I fully realize that this way of interacting with a girlfriend isn’t every guy’s cup of tea. But it was my cup of tea. It was no secret that guys would want to interact with her. Why wouldn’t they, she was, after all, stunningly good-looking.
I would be a fool not to think that guys would be interested in interacting with her. So instead of having a problem with something that was completely out of my control, I embraced the fact that I was the lucky guy who could call her my girlfriend. Besides, I would positively reward her for being completely honest. In my eyes, she had nothing to hide from me. After dinner, I would routinely kiss her and thank her for telling me all about her day.
One day my girlfriend came home from working out at the campus gym and was acting happy and giddy about something. I could just tell that she had a good, uplifting energy about her. I had no clue why she was acting in such a manner, but I surely wanted to find out.
After we sat down to eat dinner, as per our usual ritual, I asked my girlfriend about her day. She immediately became a bit more animated and started to tell me about how she had run into a really attractive guy who was well-known on campus for how good-looking he was. She went on to tell me about how he had engaged her in some interesting conversation and how she realized he had more to offer than just his good looks. I could tell that she was feeling good that such a popular guy would pay such personal attention to her.
I reached over the dinner table, gently took my girlfriend’s hand in mine, and without interrupting, let her continue sharing the details about this particular interaction. She told me about how comfortable he had made her feel just being around him and that they each had a good workout together.
By this time, I could tell that there was more to this story than had already been discussed. I just had a feeling that this extremely attractive guy had asked her out. Something just told me that something like that had happened. So I waited until she was finished telling me about her experience with him and commented, “I bet you he asked you out huh?” She looked shyly away and said that in fact he had asked her “if she wanted to go out to dinner and a movie.”
After she divulged this honest information, I asked her whether or not he had asked her if she had a boyfriend. She said that he did ask her, and that she did tell him that we were in a relationship. However, she went on to tell me that he only inquired about her relationship status after she declined his offer to go with him to dinner and a movie.
I could tell that my girlfriend was feeling pretty confident that I was okay with hearing about her interaction with this attractive hunk: and I was. In fact, just to poke a little fun at her, I offered to lend her my car to go to a movie with Mr. Hunk. I took out my key ring, and told her that she could borrow my car. I even offered to pitch in for gas. She told me to “be quiet” and politely told me to put my keys back in my pocket.
After I put my keys back in my pocket, I told her, “Babe, I understand why this happened. You are a very attractive woman, so this doesn’t even surprise me. I would be surprised if he hadn’t asked you out.” Then I asked her, “Didn’t it feel good to be flirted with and to be asked out by the best-looking guy on campus?” She just looked at me with a shy, coy gaze and smiled. After that, I leaned over the table and kissed her on the cheek. Then we both started laughing before we got up from the dinner table to do the dishes and start our after-dinner routine.
Whenever I would tell this story in my class on relationships, a lot of students would tell me that I was a jerk for even making such an offer. In fact, some of the women in the class told me that if I was their boyfriend, and had made such a remark, that they would have taken me up on my offer and went out with the hunk just to teach me a lesson. I replied that they hadn’t really heard anything about how my girlfriend and I had a very open and honest relationship. No matter how much I attempted to explain this to these detractors, they stuck to their guns and labeled me as a jerk for even making “such a rude joke.”
Later that semester, my girlfriend and I were somehow picked to appear on a campus fundraiser version of the newlywed game. While I was sequestered off stage, one of the questions they asked her was, “On a scale between one through ten, how jealous is your boyfriend?” Without having to ponder the question being asked of her, my girlfriend quickly blurted out, “Zero.”
Soon it was time for us guys to come back out on stage to try and get a match to the answers the women had given to the questions the emcee had asked them. When the emcee asked me, “On a scale between one through ten, how jealous of a boyfriend are you?” I too didn’t need to ponder such a question, I quickly answered, “Zero.” As my girlfriend and I were celebrating getting a match to the question, a lot of people in the audience began to boo!
This booing took me by complete surprise. Somehow these people felt that if I was never jealous of my girlfriend, that this was a sign that I didn’t have strong feelings for her. Because I my girlfriend and I felt so secure in our relationship, the booing didn’t bother us. What did bother us was that so many people had equated jealousy with “caring” about someone they were in a relationship with.
I Already Have a Boyfriend
(needs to be edited)
As a relationship expert, I almost always look forward to observing people flirting, or whatever it’s called these days. That said, let me tell you about a party I attended with my friend Priscilla. Although I thoroughly enjoy people watching, at my age it isn’t so easy to do. For example, it would be somewhat awkward to go solo to a party. I would definitely stick out like a sore thumb amongst the useful crowd associated with such fun activities. So when my friend asked me to accompany her to a party, I was elated to agree.
By the time we arrived at the party, it was already in full swing. So finding a spot from which to observe the gathering was going to be so much more difficult. Priscilla and I ended up sitting on stairway with the boy she had gone to see. We also sat near one of her friends, a bombshell named Mary. I knew this observation exercise was going fun.
Brazil’s friend Mary seemed to be somewhat bored as virtually every guy approached her to get her attention. Yet as each guy attempted to strike up a conversation with her, married barely listen to their pitch before retorting with, “I have a boyfriend.”
As each potential suitor left in a blaze of fire, another guy stepped up and gave it a try. Soon there were no more guys stepping up and Mary Snooty seemed to indicate that she was bored. My sociology mind and the Curious George in me decided to strike up a conversation with Mary. I could tell that this was going to be fun.
Mary was seated near me so I asked her, “So who is this boyfriend of yours?” Mary immediately launched into a diatribe of detail about her boyfriend. She told me about this and about that basically gave me a rundown of him. But what stuck out about her story was that he was a not a mechanic.
“ So he’s not a mechanic eh?”
“ Yes at Pep Boys.”
“ He must be a very smart guy I said. Cars aren’t what they used to be. Today Carter all computerized and sophisticated. Is probably a really great smart guy?”
“ Well, she groaned, he’s not really that smart. He can’t even clean his fingernails.”
I was taken aback, Harry was given him props, and Mary was shooting down everything I said about him. In fact, may begin making disparaging remarks about him.
Not long after our conversation icebreaker, may stood up and said she was going to get a beer. He looked right at me and asked, “ you want a beer? You’re fun to chat with. I want to talk to you some more.”
Mary left to get a couple of beers and when she returned to the stairs, she handed me my dear set down next to me and continued to converse. Some of the guys at the party kept looking over at me, obviously wondering what was so special about me?!!!
In fact, Mary and I ended up talking for the rest of the party. And as I mentioned above, many of the guys in attendance kept looking all at us. They couldn’t figure out why Mary was giving me her attention and not them. It was quite simple, I wasn’t hitting on her.
Eventually the party begin to wind down and the party-goers begin to leave. As Priscilla signal me that she wanted to leave, I said my goodbyes to marry. Mary again told me I was a good wonderful conversationalist and even Tommy she hoped to see me again sometime in the future. We hugged and all left together.
On the drive home, Priscilla let me know that she had noticed what had transpired at the party and asked me why marry have wanted to spend time talking to me as opposed to chatting with the other guys at the party. I explained Priscilla at all I had done was elevated married boyfriend above what was the stereotyped mechanic. When I told Mary that her boyfriend was smart etc. etc., the picture Mary said was of a mere grease monkey. Thus, since he didn’t live up to my suggestions, or the picture I had painted, she would set the record straight and the comment about his dirty fingernails. In short, Mary was quick to point out the shortcomings. And since the conversation was solely focused on her and her life, it wasn’t rocket science that she would want to keep talking about herself. All in all, I would say the party was a success.
Dave and the Girls When We Went Camping
( Story here)
– AP takes a group camping every summer
– We went to BlueRiver
– It was Dave’s first time going with this group
– The “new guy” usually gets picked on
– The “guys” were hammering Dave pretty fiercely
– Part of the teasing was to impress the girls on the trip
– The logic backfired
– When we arrived to the camping area, the teasing of Dave increased
– We were building a fire and needed firewood
– Some of the group went to collect firewood
– Dave and “the guys” went to chap at a tree
– Dave and the guys also were attempting to saw some low-hanging branches
– The saw slipped while Dave was sawing and the blade cut him
– Dave was complaining about being injured
– Dave’s complaining made the guys only tease him more
– The girls came over to see what happened
– The guys were still piling it on to Dave (teasing)
– For some reason, the girls had had enough of “Dave teasing”
– The girls paying attention to poor old Dave made the guys jealous
– The guys poured on even more teasing on Dave
– Dave was holding his “injured” arm (where the saw blade had cut him)
– The girls went back to the vehicles to get the first aid kit
– The guys continued to tease Dave
– Dave came out of his “injured” character and stopped holding his arm
– Dave stood up straight and lifted his arm up and down: no problem
– Dave told the guys to keep on teasing him
– Dave informed the guys that their teasing was only making the girls pay attention to him
– The guys couldn’t believe what they were witnessing
– By this time the girls were headed back to take care of Dave’s injured arm
– Dave immediately went back into his “injured” act
– Knowing Dave was “playing” the guys only made them want to tease him some more
– But now the guys knew that doing so would only play into Dave’s game
– The guys faced a dilemma: they could tease more and drive him more into the girls’ arms
– Or, the guys could lay off and kill Dave’s “game”
– But seeing how the girls were still paying attention to Dave, the guys were more tempted to tease him
– The guys were obviously frustrated and puzzled: What to do?
– The “damage” was already done: the girls paid attention to the Dave the rest of the night
– Although the guys wanted to lay off playing Dave’s game, they couldn’t help themselves
– Every time the guys saw the girls attending to Dave’s every need, they wanted to lay into him (teasing)
– For the rest of the camping weekend, the guys were faced with the dilemma
– Dave ended up having the camping trip of a lifetime
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