“The final images of the film are of Cinderella being married to the Prince, with her mice and bird friends watching her get into a carriage, and riding off to a Happily Ever After.”
– From IMBD synopsis of Cinderella
“Thinking her dead… the dwarfs place Snow White in a glass and gold coffin in the woods and mourn for her. The prince, who had searched far and wide for Snow White, hears of Snow White asleep in the glass coffin and awakens her with love’s first kiss.”
– From IMBD synopsis of Snow White
Many people are in love with the idea of “being in love.” What I mean by this is that many people are all-too-anxious to experience the feelings that having a love connection entails. However, they aren’t necessarily willing, or may not know how to put attain such a pleasurable state. In short, these types want to fall in love fast. Like a drug addict chasing a high, these love addicts tend to rush into relationships in their quest for the “love drug” a pleasurable relationship brings with it.
These love addict types are pitifully unaware of the mistake they are committing. Yet those around them can see the impending heartbreak clear as day, and will often attempt to warn the love addict of their folly. Unfortunately, these warning will likely go unheeded, and will only serve to drive the love addict deeper into their emotional snare.
There are people who have grown up with the fairy tales of the existence of a magical and passionate love affair in which the love of their life sweeps them off of their feet and then they “live happily ever after.” Perhaps they watch a sister or an aunt who is a little bit older than they are experience their first crush of puppy love. At such an impressionable age, they want some of that fairy tale for themselves. These types actively start to look for this romance and start to be on the lookout for any clue that it may be just around the next corner. Thus, at this stage, people that find themselves in this type of situation begin to fall in love with the idea of falling in love.
There are plenty of young yet novice Romeos and Juliets who can’t wait to experience the throes of passion that they feel a picture-perfect love affair will bring to their lives. However, in their haste to experience such passion, they tend to fall in love too fast. As a result of such haste on their part, these naïve “lovers” end up fooling themselves by overlooking the red flags and other warning signs that would otherwise stifle their quest to acquire these types of feelings.
The desire to quickly fall in love is something that young people read about in fairy tales written for children. In fairy tales such as Cinderella and Snow White, circumstances find these women pursued by handsome princes who desire to marry them for their beauty and charm. Therefore, the first message these young girls take away from these fairy tales is that a young woman must be pretty enough to warrant the attention of “princes.” Once that piece of the formula for love is satisfied, the next business on the agenda for love is to “enchant” the prince enough that he can’t resist her and then pursues her hand in marriage.
The second message these young girls learn is that although they may be beautiful, they only have to be charming towards the males who “matter”; the ones who have the traits of a prince and will thus want to marry them. These young princess wannabes don’t need to waste their time on ugly ducklings who don’t measure up to the “happily-ever-after” formula. Therefore, these youngsters learn to ignore, and even act dismissively, toward the not-so-handsome males who express an interest in them. After all, ugly males are not part of the formula for “happily-ever-after.”
These Types Want to Believe In the Idea of Being in Love
To be unequivocal about the point I am trying to make here is that young girls begin to learn that only attractive males are the ones who can measure up to “the formula” for love. Therefore, at this young age they are not willing to give anyone but a handsome male a chance at getting into a relationship with them and making their romantic dreams come true.
The result of the thinking according to “the formula” is that people who believe in it tend to jump headlong into the first relationship that appears to fit the requirements. Some passionate kissing and a couple of phenomenal dates don’t necessarily mean that the person is a perfect match for you. Only time will tell. But this means being patient and not fooling yourself that a few passionate kisses and a cute face mean that the person is “the one.”
Another tendency is for people to ignore any signs of anything that negates such a vision and desire to being swept off of their feet by their “prince charming.” These fantasies are so powerful that once they are started, they are very difficult to stop. The power of these fantasies is so strong that even friends and family who see through them are not enough to counter their power. In fact, the power of these fantasies is so enduring that when the person caught up in the spell of them is confronted with the reality of their drawbacks or failings, they will ignore the facts and proof of the counter narratives. Again, these romantic and emotional visions and desires are so powerful that they can render a person love-blind despite the evidence to the contrary. A related discussion on this phenomenon is argued in the chapter on domestic violence and rationalizing bad behavior.
Sometimes people caught under the spell of “the formula” will be quick to define the relationship they are in as “love” without any real evidence. These types will define their relationship as “real love” based only on how they feel about what they are experiencing. Any “evidence” to the contrary is conveniently discounted and/ or ignored. These types will define true love based on their own feelings instead of a combination of their partner’s and their feelings taken together.
Some people are so in love with being in love that they will jump headfirst into any relationship that seems to be the “right fit” for romance. This tendency can be so strong that once the person experiencing what they think is a genuine love, they will conveniently ignore any signs of trouble that may evident to someone not under the spell of wanting true love at any cost. In short, once a person labels their relationship as true love, they may actively and conveniently ignore any signs to the contrary. Yet in the long run, this tendency will only be to their own detriment. A person can only ignore any red flags in their relationship for so long before they are forced into facing the reality of what is really going on.
Some Things to Consider
After a thorough examination of this phenomenon, there were some themes that kept repeatedly being comment on. Below is a list of the things that lead people to “settle” on an unsatisfactory relationship when they should be pursuing a better one that is more in line with their personal wants and wishes.
One of the biggest fears of persons who were “settling” was the dread of being single. In their minds there must be something wrong with them is all of their friends and family have managed to find a partner yet they have been unsuccessful at this pursuit. It just kills these types to know that they are unable to find a suitable partner despite all of their self-perceived personal positive attributes. The question these types ask themselves is: Despite my social value, why am I still single?
The solution to this type of thinking is to accept that fear of being single is normal. The people that fall into this trap need to stop putting themselves down and comparing themselves to friends or family members who seem to have met their match.
The key to finding love is to focus on finding your passions rather than finding a soul mate. Instead of searching every corner of the earth for someone you will fall in love with, you should be searching for something you love. Notice I didn’t say to be searching for “someone” you love. Instead, I suggest finding the qualities that please you rather than searching out the best-looking candidate who can potentially complete “the formula.”
Rather than seeking out a partner who meets “the formula” for romantic fairytale love, you should be seeking out a down-to-earth partner who accepts you for who you really are; “warts and all” as some would say. You shouldn’t have to make a favorable impression in every social circle you reside in. Rather, you should make a splash in the relationship where you are able to be yourself. Thus, you should seek a partner you can be authentic and vulnerable with.
Another issue to consider is your personal values. Although you sought out and found a beautiful of handsome partner who fits “the formula,” you should never compromise your personal values. Many people do compromise their personal values in their quest for finding the “perfect” love. Yet sometime later in their relationship, they will feel sorry for doing so when they are confronted with living with themselves under conditions where they have to supplant their personal values with those of their partner’s in order to keep the relationship intact.
Another thing to keep in mind is how your partner thinks about your relationship in regards to the future. Your partner should be thinking not only about the here-and-now, but should also be thinking about how they will carve out a future with you. If they aren’t entertaining ideas about the future of your relationship, then they are only in it for the “meantime.” A true relationship partner should be thinking about your future together; even if it’s in rudimentary bits and pieces.
You may know rationally that no one should have to settle for less than they deserve in a relationship. However, your emotions may be conflicted. This may leave you unwilling to take the chance of breaking things off in a bad relationship because you fear you won’t ever meet someone else and will thus be alone for a long period of time.
You see that some of your friends have been single for a while, and they constantly complain about how hard it is to meet a good relationship match. Underneath all of these thoughts is a deep-seated fear of being alone.
According to a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, fear of being single can drive people to stay in dysfunctional relationships too long or settle for less-than-desirable ones.
Are you a people pleaser? If you are, you may be one who feels that you have to be in a good mood or positive when you are with your friends, family, or an intimate partner. If you have this tendency, you may find setting limits to be an uncomfortable and thus a difficult task. And as a result of these feelings, you may have trouble asking for what you need from your partner.
“No one will treat you with respect if you don’t have self-respect.”
The good news is that this pattern, which often begins in childhood, can be reversed. You must always have healthy self-esteem which ultimately means believing in yourself. One of the key things to consider is: how do you treat yourself? No one will treat you with respect if you don’t have self-respect. You must get rid of any self-defeating thoughts such as “I’m don’t know what I’m doing” or “No one will ever love the true me” if you want to break from the pattern of people pleasing.
Breaking free from any bad relationship is never easy. But you must come to view yourself as a valuable person. This will give you the self-respect that will ultimately allow you to experience the wonderful moment-to-moment experiences of your life.
All of this discussion leads us to the fact that you must set an expectation of a mutual respect for you and your relationship partner. A healthy relationship cannot be a one-sided affair where one of the partners respects the other, but not vice-versa. This is a non-negotiable matter.
What all of this discussion amounts to is that you must gain a self-awareness about your choices in partners and their willingness to meet your emotional and personal needs. Again, this issue cannot be a one-sided affair. Otherwise, your relationship is bound to either fail outright, or survive on a shoestring of conflict and drama.
There is a difference between settling and compromising.
When you choose to be okay with everything your partner does at your expense to keep the relationship going, then that is settling.
Compromising, on the other hand, is being ready to accept that your partner is not perfect; they have their faults. Accepting imperfection is compromising.
