The “involvement contour” is the expected and appropriate pace of behavior a person displays during a social encounter. Moreover, a person’s motive for even wanting to be in a particular social scene or social activity is often measured by their level of involvement in it. There are three possible levels of involvement a person can exhibit during any social action. An actor can be too involved; correctly involved; or they may be under involved in some sort of social activity. Each of these involvement statuses “gives-off” something about their motive for their involvement in the scene.
In relationships, women are normally more aware of the social nuances involved with whatever scenes they happen to find themselves in. Women also tend to develop a keener sense of what is “really happening” in their social surroundings; in much more detail than most of their male counterparts. Women can even see things clearly from their peripheral view. Men, not so much.
My mom used to say, “It’s not what you say; rather, it’s how you say it.” If a person is good at reading what others “give off,” they then normally possess a social advantage over those who aren’t as keen at reading people as they are. Plus, these people tend to be better at engaging in effective social communication.
STORY:
David Feels Romantic and Thinks He “Loves” Jennifer
David, a good friend of mine, graduated with me from college and went off to Denver for medical school. Soon after he began classes, he met a female medical student in his first-year cohort named Jennifer. Both David and Jennifer sensed the obvious chemistry between them. So each day as he arrived at class, David would look around the classroom to find where Jennifer was sitting. He would try and get a seat next to her so that they could write unobtrusive notes to one another. Or, if he was late, David would try and get a seat from which he could at least gaze at her during the lecture.
Seeing Jennifer soon became the high point of David’s day and vice versa. And with all that sexual energy in the air, it didn’t take long before they began dating one another. In the span of about a month, they agreed to become lovers.
In the few short weeks that led up to their physical involvement, David and Jennifer had been caught up in the whirlwind of a reckless romance. He continually courted Jennifer and then took full advantage of the attention she showered back on him.
Jennifer was in the same boat; she too, was totally caught up in the romance of the budding relationship. They went out to eat with each other, spending money on things neither of them could really afford. They also spent hours on the phone chatting, neglecting their studies. They both, nevertheless, loved every minute of it.
David and Jennifer were still in the beginning stage of their relationship, so each time they had a “make out session,” they both became tempted to take their relationship a step further. Because of the way things were going with them, it just seemed natural to become physical. So, with each passing day, “things” progressed physically. Let’s just say that at this point in their relationship, temptation reigned.
Despite the internal voices in each of their heads that cautioned them to proceed at a slower pace, David and Jennifer inevitably gave in to temptation and decided to “go all the way.” Things between them felt wonderful enough, and now they would take their relationship to the next level.
David,, however, was old fashioned. If he was engaging in sexual activities with a woman, he wanted to make sure that she understood how much he was devoted to her. And in this case, David thought that Jennifer was everything he had ever hoped for in a woman. In fact, David felt that he needed to do something special for Jennifer so that she would realize he genuinely cared about her.
Before too long, David had made up his mind; he was willing to chance doing something that some men struggle with: being first to admit he was in love with his partner. In his mind, this plan fit the bill nicely; it would definitely impress Jennifer. Soon, when he and Jennifer became lovers, he would let her know how much she meant to him. David could hardly wait.
With the sexual tension between David and Jennifer continuing to build, it didn’t take long before they were both ready and anxious to begin engaging in serious sexual activity. Although they had started out quicker than most couples at this stage of their relationship, David was especially anxious to move things along even a bit faster that night. After all, he was going to get the chance to let Jennifer in on his little secret: how he really felt about her.
David figured that when women made love, they preferred to hear those three important words: I love you. So once David and Jennifer were in the throes of passion, he whispered those very words into her ear, “Jennifer, I love you.”
After he got brave enough to let Jennifer know his true feelings, David thought that their sexual passion would increase significantly He also felt that their love-making session would end with nothing short of a big bang!
But instead of becoming even more turned on as he had planned, to his utter surprise, Jennifer immediately turned cold as ice. She pushed him off of her, pulled the blankets back up over her and started crying.
To say the least, David was stunned!?!? Here he was, turned on, ready for Olympic grade love-making, and instead of the romance he had anticipated, he faced a hostile partner who wanted absolutely nothing to do with him! He asked himself, “What the $#@!* just happened here?”
In an effort to make sense of what was happening right in front of him, David asked Jennifer, “Babe, what’s wrong?” With a frown and a couple of tears cascading off of her cheeks, she asked him in a rhetorical tone, “You love me?!”
She knew perfectly well that he couldn’t possibly be in love with her at this early stage of their relationship. He was experiencing lust perhaps, but surely she knew he didn’t feel a true, deep love. David suddenly felt vulnerable and self-conscious. He began to question the whole situation. In a defensive tone he quipped back, “Of course I do. How could you even ask me that?”
Jennifer looked David in the eye with a blazing intensity and firmly interrogated him, “You love me huh? What do you love about me? What am I about? Am I a Democrat or a Republican? What are my parents’ names? Where did I go to high school?” Jennifer took a breath and still sobbing said, “Come on David, we’ve had some great times together, but you don’t even really know me that well. How can you say that you actually love me?”
Despite his cluelessness about the matter, David had been listening intently, and was finally beginning to get a clue as to where Jennifer was coming from. “How can you even think like that?” he asked her in a weak attempt to turn this argument in his favor. “You’re involved in this relationship just as much as I am,” he shouted at her. “Why then, did you go this far with me? You should have stopped me if you didn’t want to be lovers,” he said, trying to make this awkward situation seem as though it was all her fault.
Jennifer stopped crying, and all in one motion, she pulled the blanket over her body and got out of the bed. She shuffled to the bathroom, where David could hear her sobbing and gathering her belongings. Jennifer walked out of the bathroom with her head down, refusing to make eye contact with David. As Jennifer left David’s apartment, she slammed the door shut behind her.
David remained there lying on the bed in a state of shock, analyzing and reanalyzing over and over in his head what had just happened. He still couldn’t believe that Jennifer had reacted in such a manner. After all, he was still thinking to himself: didn’t all women want to hear those three cherished words? He kept asking himself, “How could I be wrong here?
David had absolutely no clue that he had violated the involvement contour. After only a few weeks, he had said what he thought Jennifer needed to hear under such circumstances. Jennifer, on the other hand, had readily and voluntarily engaged in the sexual behavior, but with an implicit understanding that at this point in time, the relationship was a mental as well as a physical relationship, but it surely was not love!
For the better part of the next year, David attempted to mend the situation; yet, his efforts were ultimately in vain. After that “I love you” encounter, Jennifer always remained suspicious of David’s intentions. David and Jennifer were never again “lovers.”
