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“Attraction is not a choice.”
– David DeAngelo
Attraction is not a choice. If it were, we could immediately will ourselves un-attracted to an ex. Anyone who has been through a breakup can attest to the “voluntary” nature of feelings and any related emotions. Although we can’t control who we become attracted to, we can become educated about why we are attracted to them. After studying relationships for the better part of three decades; on a consistent basis, certain issues about them kept coming up in discussions.
These 15 issues are discussed under the title The Keys to Understanding Relationships. I contend that anyone wanting to better understand relationships should make themselves familiar with these important components. They are listed and discussed in this section in no particular order of importance, but rather in an order designed to help understand the effect each one of them has on a relationship.
Each of the fourteen aspects of a relationship is important to understand. Are there other aspects of a relationship to be aware of and understand? I’m sure there are. However, in my view, these 15 components constitute or make up the core of the most important aspects to be familiar with in order to have a confident grasp on how relationships emerge and unfold over time. There is a reason I am putting them at the beginning of the book for a reason. They are THAT important to gaining a deep understanding of relationships. This understanding should be in place before moving on to studying other aspects of relationships in subsequent sections and chapters of this book. I suggest taking your time to completely understand the chapters in this section before reading the subsequent chapters on establishing, maintaining and breaking up a relationship.
Key #2. Why We Fall In Love: The Politically Correct Assumptions
The influence of these politically correct assumptions really only confounds people’s thinking about what affects relationships. An example that illustrates this point is the leading theory on why people become attracted to one another: The Reinforcement-Affect Theory. The gist of this theory states that if you want someone to become attracted to you, you should, “Say nice things; do nice things.” As a result, this “nice guy” approach will spark the magic that will ignite the romance in the targeted person. Such a “nice” tactic will provide the magic that will result in the pursuer, and the pursued, entering into some kind of wonderful relationship.
On the surface, this way of thinking sounds perfectly reasonable. That is, until you think about how many people get attracted to people who aren’t nice (i.e. bad boys). This nice-guy “advice” begs the question of why are so many people attracted to people who, “Say bad things; do bad things”? I probably don’t have to tell you about the scores of women who pursue the hell out of these bad boy types. Guys also fall into this category; but their pursuit of bad girls doesn’t get the same press as it does for the women who pursue the bad boys.
Key #3. Why We Really Fall In Love: The Cold Hard Truth
In order to understand what makes someone become attracted to another person, we must first ask ourselves what makes anything valuable and thus desirable (or socially attractive). In order to answer such a basic question, we will begin by discussing Georg Simmel’s generic definition of the concept “value.”
In Georg Simmel’s book The Philosophy of Money, he offers a useful examination of the concept of “value.” He sketches out a simple logical sequence on how objects become valuable. For our purpose of discussing relationships, people will be viewed as objects; that is, as social objects.
Because closing any such distance requires one to exert some sort of effort, the object’s ultimate desirability is measured by how much work (effort) must be put into closing that distance. In other words, the less work it takes to obtain an object; the less valuable that object is. But the more effort it takes to earn the object, the more value that object takes on (to a point). (repeated as above)
In Simmel’s view, what makes something valuable is the “distance” between the person desiring the object and the “preferred thing” itself. An item that requires you to exert a considerable amount of effort in order to acquire it will be more valuable than something that requires little of your effort to acquire it.
Key #4. The Temporal Order: Three Different Stages; Three Different Skill Sets
This “before,” “during” and “after” phenomenon is collectively known as the temporal order. For our discussion, each of these phases is distinct enough to treat them as separate types of entities. That is, the forces that affect these three phases of a relationship have their own certain logic that guides the actions that take place within them. And as such, every one of these unique phases requires that a person possess a distinct skill set in order for them to successfully navigate through each separate phase.
EVERY relationship will progress through three stages. I mean every relationship; from a quick hook-up, to a life-long marriage. In addition, each stage has its own unique logic and is governed by the specific social forces associated with it. Establishing a relationship is different than maintaining one. Maintaining a relationship is different from ending one; or Breaking Up. Thus, navigating successfully through each stage requires a unique and specific skill set. Every social interaction associated with a relationship must “fit” into one of these three mutually exclusive categories. Thus, they will serve as our conceptual guide for understanding the logic of how all relationships emerge, develop, and eventually dissolve. This “stage” logic also guides the website’s navigation.
Click on this link to learn more about the 3 stages of ALL relationships …
Key #5. The Law Of Reversed Effort: Getting the Opposite Of What You Seek
After a ship sinks, any surviving passengers attempt to stay afloat; yet their bodies want to sink. When someone throws a rock into the deep end of a pool however, and dives in to retrieve it, they want to sink; yet their body wants to float. Relationships are governed by this same logic. In relationships, sometimes when you want white, you tend to get black. When you want black, you tend to get white. Is it ever possible to win?
Click on this link to learn more about the dangers of getting the opposite of what you want …
Key #6. The Principle Of Least Interest: Whoever Cares the Least Has the Power
The Principle of Least Interest states that the person with the LEAST interest in maintaining the relationship ultimately holds the MOST power. I kind-of agree… I would say that it actually may be more about perception. I would revise it to read, “The person with the PERCEIVED least interest holds the power.”
Click on this link to learn more about how the power of “interest” works in relationships …
Key #7. Saturation / Deprivation: Too Much/ Too Little Can Be a Bad Thing
“The more often in the recent past a person has received a particular reward, the less valuable any further unit of that reward becomes for him (sic).” (Homans, 1974:29)
A dry sponge can absorb plenty of water. A soaked sponge on the other hand, becomes so saturated with water, that it can no longer absorb any more of it. The sponge has reached critical mass and has become useless and thus, ineffective. The sponge must be wringed-out to regain its usefulness. Like a dessert made with too much sugar, too much nice behavior in a relationship may make it too sweet for the other partner’s taste. As with most things in nature, and in life, balance is the key.
Click on this link to learn more about how too much of a good thing can become a bad thing …
Key #8. Love, Hate, versus Indifference: Knowing the Difference Is Vital
Most people mistakenly believe that love and hate are the complete opposites of one another. But if you really think about it, both love and hate involve an element of caring. Therefore, they are actually two sides of the same coin; the “caring coin” so-to-speak. After all, if you hate someone, you care enough to be upset. It is indifference that is the lack of caring: and is thus, love and hate’s TRUE opposite. The bottom line is that if you’re upset, you still care.
Click on this link to learn more about how love and hate aren’t the opposites of each other …
Key #9. Pain versus Pleasure: Two Sides of the Same Coin
My Ladder Theory goes something like this; it suggests that relationships grow with both good and bad potential growing TOGETHER, and at the same rate. In order for a ladder to function, it needs two vertical side “rails” which support the each side of the horizontal “rungs.” One vertical rail of the ladder represents PLEASURE. The other vertical rail represents PAIN. Together, the two make it possible to climb upward on the horizontal rungs. Novice partners often become so enamored with their newly-established relationship, that the participants convince themselves they can keep taking their relationship to higher and higher levels without any risk. That is, these novice lovers, euphoric in their relationship’s romantic beginnings, believe that they can climb up the “relationship ladder,” using only the PLEASURE side rail; while ignoring the PAIN side rail altogether. Your subconscious, however, is fully aware of the fact that the PLEASURE and PAIN components climb at the same rate. And your subconscious certainly isn’t going to let you forget about this fact. Let me ask you, How far are YOU comfortable climbing?
Click on this link to learn more about how pleasure and pain grow equally in a relationship …
Key #10. Your Conditioning Index: Your League On a Scale Of 1-10
A person’s conditioning index is the same thing as their “league” as far as their flirting and dating abilities are concerned. A person who dates in the major leagues has the power to attract some significant attention and interest. On the other hand, a person may be relegated to dating in the minor leagues. Minor-leaguers don’t normally circulate amongst the “A”-crowd. Nor do minor-leaguers have the power to attract significant attention or interest. This sense of self and the associated “league play” develop over time, and through recurring social interactions. After a while, people get a GENERAL SENSE of where they stand in the “minor” / “major” league system. (Based on the 1-10 logic)
Click on this link to learn more about what relationship “LEAGUE” you play in …
Key #11. Random Reinforcement: A Nearly Impossible Trap to Escape
The concept of reinforcement involves “rewarding” some sort of action. RANDOM REINFORCEMENT also involves reinforcing behaviors via some sort of reward system. However, as the label illustrates, the reward itself isn’t our focus; rather our chief concern is the schedule of the reward or reinforcement. The timing of the reward is just as important as the reward itself. Because randomness is “unpredictable,” it is thus virtually impossible to manipulate. Thus, when a person is unable to actively manipulate someone else’s behavior, they eventually stop trying. They learn to put up with whatever happens and focus instead on the future and its possibilities and potential. Random reinforcement affects a relationship by keeping hope alive. People cling to hope; especially romantic true-believers. Beware of the powerful effects of random reinforcement. Because once it has taken hold, it is extremely hard to break free of.
Key #12. Who Has A Stronger Sex Drive? Mother Nature Has A Say-So
When I was teaching lectures on this touchy subject (pun intended), I would begin the lecture by posing the question: Who has a stronger sex drive, males or females? During the Q and A on this subject, most students felt that males had a stronger sex drive. After all, didn’t males have sex on their brains for the majority of their days?
After the initial Q and A period, I pointed out that I had specifically asked which gender had a stronger sex drive. I stressed the point that I had not asked which gender had a more frequent sex drive. After all, there is a big difference between the frequency and the strength of a person’s sex drive. Stronger doesn’t necessarily mean more frequent. On the other hand, frequency doesn’t necessarily mean an increase in strength. They are entirely different concepts.
Click on this link to learn more about how Mother Nature influences our sex drives…
Key #13. Passion: Positive versus Negative- Passion Is Still Passion
Another aspect of relationships that causes people much confusion is the lack of understanding about how passion works. Most people only think of passion in terms of artificial dichotomies. What I mean by this, is that whenever they think about passion, they only think of the desirable chemistry that sweeps them off their feet with its pleasurable intensity. This stereotyped passion is positive in nature, and is very enjoyable and desirable.
Yet, there exists another type of passion that is also intense. Rather than being pleasant and desirable, this negative passion is unpleasant and hurtful. Yet, this type of passion does offer excitement to some people. This kind of negative passion may cause a person to obsess about another person in ways that are not exactly enjoyable, but are nonetheless often exciting in some odd sort of way. This negative passion however, makes a person cry tears of pain instead of tears of pleasure. The politically correct thinking ignores this negative passion.
Click on this link to learn more about how the emotion of PASSION functions in a relationship…
Key #14. Gender Differences: Men and Women Are On Different Sheets Of Music
It’s often said that men and women march to the beat of different drums. This statement seems to ring true, and at times, may even seem to be an understatement. Despite how much that statement may seem to be true, men and women are both governed by the same social forces. In the war between the sexes, it is often conflicting definitions of what’s happening that is the root cause of a couple’s disagreements. Each partner differs in how they define what is occurring. No matter their labels, the forces governing relationships don’t discriminate. Male or female: the same forces are in charge. Mother-nature normally wins out. And guess what, attraction is still not a choice.
Key #15. Games People Play: Strategic Interaction
“This is the key to Goffman: his observations are USEFUL, and are thus, RELEVANT: relevant to real life.”
Erving Goffman was a genius. Interestingly enough however, most of my professors warned me to stay away from him. Because Goffman didn’t use statistics to “make his cases,” he was said to be an academic heretic: an impostor of sorts. Instead of using only rigorous scientific analysis, Goffman used everyday life examples that readers could immediately relate to. Plus, Goffman’s examples weren’t full of esoteric terms. Instead his examples leap off the page and hit home with most readers. And since most readers could relate to these examples, they became useful to a broad spectrum of readers. This is the key to Goffman: his observations are USEFUL, and are thus, RELEVANT: relevant to real life.
Goffman’s clever analysis breaks down the basics of social interaction into a theory of IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT. His theory shows how people tend to accentuate and emphasize their positive attributes while simultaneously attempting to hide or downplay their shortcomings. When crafting their social images, Goffman asserts that people follow this logic. Furthermore, Goffman views actors as strategic game-players, as con artists to some degree. By using the metaphor of life as theater, Goffman is able to offer some valuable insights into the strategies and “moves” people use in the pursuit of their everyday life goals. In short, Goffman shows us the “games people play.” Our concern is how these “games” are played in relationships.
Click on this link to learn more about the games people play in relationships …
Quick Navigation: THE 15 KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING RELATIONSHIPS.
III. THE 15 KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING RELATIONSHIPS.
- CH-1 “Getting The Cheese”: Learning To Think Outside of the Box
- CH-2 The Temporal Order: Three Stages; Three Different Skill Sets
- Ch-3 Why We Fall In Love: The Politically Correct Assumptions
- CH-4 Why We Really Fall In Love: The Cold Hard Truth
- CH-5 The Law Of Reversed Effort: Getting the Opposite Of What You Seek
- CH-6 The Principle Of Least Interest: Whoever Cares the Least Has the Power
- CH-7 Saturation / Deprivation: Too Much/ Too Little Can Be a Bad Thing
- CH-8 Love, Hate, versus Indifference: Knowing the Difference Is Vital
- CH-9 Pain versus Pleasure: Two Sides of the Same Coin
- CH-10 Your Conditioning Index: Your League On a Scale Of 1-10
- CH-11 Random Reinforcement: A Nearly Impossible Trap to Escape
- CH-12 Who Has A Stronger Sex Drive? Mother Nature Has A Say-So
- CH-13 Passion: Positive versus Negative- Passion Is Still Passion
- CH-14 Gender Differences: Men and Women Are On Different Sheets Of Music
- CH-15 Games People Play: Strategic Interaction
