Do you know what the key to a healthy and successful relationship is?

Most people think they know the answer to this simple question. But the evidence suggests otherwise. In fact, most people are clueless about what it takes to get into a successful relationship. And then when they do get into a relationship, they struggle to keep it intact. The truth is that the majority of relationships die an early death. The data show that more than half of all marriages will fail. Not to mention that this statistic doesn’t include the relationships that fall short of the marriage stage. Thus, we can safely conclude that the failure rate of all relationships is likely even higher than fifty percent.

  ..

With that unfortunate statistic in mind, let me ask you a few more questions. Do you struggle with finding the right person to have a relationship with? Then, after you do get into a relationship, do you need help overcoming jealousy? Or, for a variety of reasons, do you find yourself unable to keep a relationship together? And when your relationship ends, are you generally clueless about how to overcome the heartache associated with a breakup; which then prevents you from moving on and perhaps finding a better partner? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then congratulations, you are totally normal. As we just touched on, most people struggle with their relationships. Even so, this is about to change for you.

I don’t want you to “crash” your relationship like so many others do. Because of this, I recommend that you use the information in this book to learn how relationships really function. This means no longer using stereotypes and social media to define how your relationships should function. I can guarantee that if you take the information in this book to heart -that is, really absorb and learn it- your relationships will improve greatly. Those that have already done so have proven that the information contained in these pages can help anyone establish, and then enjoy, a successful relationship. 

I realize that the next question I am about to ask you may seem an odd way to start a discussion about relationships. But it will make perfect sense once you see where this argument is headed. Thus, first allow me to begin your learning journey by asking you a quick question about driving. If every other time that you drove your car you got into an accident, would you keep driving? My guess is that you would probably stop driving altogether. The risks of driving would surely outweigh its rewards.

However, this is precisely what people do with their relationships. In our society, more than half of all relationships will fail. And despite a plethora of good intentions, some relationships will fail spectacularly.

What Causes This Unfortunate Statistic?

“… the problem is that most people have no idea what to do to get into a relationship.”

What is the real damage caused by people’s general ignorance about how relationships function? I’m sure the toll is exceedingly high. Unfortunately, there is no way to calculate a precise percentage of relationships that ultimately fail. The statistic I referred to above is only a measure of the marriages that do not succeed. For some reason, our civil bureaucrats and social researchers only keep track of marriages that fail. Therefore, we don’t know what the exact figure is for relationships that failed before they ever reached the marriage stage. There are no statistics on these non-married relationships. Hence, there is no way to know the “big picture” of how many total relationships fail. But as an educated guess, I would put the total figure of all failed relationships at somewhere above eighty-five percent.

The problem is borne out in the statistics: too many relationships fail. Again, this happens because of a lack of information about how relationships actually function. In fact, over the years, many frustrated people I have assisted with their relationships have commented that, “Love is all luck.” Hence, the term: “Get lucky.” But what could be done to change this social disaster? The solution is to educate people about relationships. This book is the solution to your relationship problems.

In this book, I argue that love hasn’t much to do with luck. Believe it or not, there is a science that governs how relationships function. In fact, there are ways to measure and understand what’s happening in people’s relationships by using a systematic approach. I’ve been conducting a scientific study of relationships for the past thirty years. My research shows that the manner in which relationships emerge and unfold hasn’t much to do with luck.

People’s success or failure in their relationships depends on how they interact with their partner. Each of the lessons in the chapters is focused first on showing you the logic that guides how relationships function. The second lesson in each chapter will show you how relationships function in the real world. These follow-on lessons will be imparted via the short stories at the end of each chapter. Each of these stories is taken from real life case studies.

After helping a large number of people with their relationship troubles, I noticed one phenomenon that kept on occurring after these relationships failed. That common denominator was the fact that after someone’s relationship failed, in their next attempt at love, they would use the same approach they had used when they got into their previously failed relationship. And as you can guess, this next relationship probably also failed. Because of our general ignorance, we’ve managed to become a nation full of people experiencing serial relationship failures.

Believe it or not, people’s ignorance about relationships goes even deeper than a mere misunderstanding. Remember, before they came to me for help, the people I’ve assisted thought they knew how relationships worked. What these people failed to realize was that during their lifetime of learning about how relationships functioned, there had been a problem with the type of information they had learned along the way. In short, they were ignorant about their ignorance.

The majority of the people I assisted never realized that the culprit for their failed attempts at love was the paradigm they had come to believe in. In other words, all along, what these people failed to comprehend was that what they had come to believe was the proper way to get into a relationship was defective. To put it in simple terms, the paradigm that guides most people’s relationships is severely flawed.

Because people didn’t think to change the way they think about how relationships are supposed to function, after a failed relationship, most of them said to themselves, “I will just try harder the next time.” Unfortunately for them, putting more effort into the same flawed plan they had used in their previous relationship only caused their new attempts at a relationship to fail; and to fail even more spectacularly.

After any of their relationships had failed, what these people should have done instead was to begin questioning what had gone wrong with the plan that they had used to pursue love. Rather than using the same flawed belief system in their next attempt to find true love, they should have adjusted their thinking.

The main purpose of this book is to convince you to adjust your thinking about how relationships function. Once this happens, and you begin to truly understand how relationships actually work, then, and only then, will you start to get the positive results in your relationships that you have always hoped for. It’s that simple.

I have said it, and I will keep on saying it throughout the rest of the book; most people don’t understand how relationships function. The truth is that many people tend to act on social stereotypes or how social media has portrayed how they should script their behavior when attempting to get into a relationship. And thus, as their relationship emerges, they don’t truly understand why they feel and act the way they do while they’re in it. It’s like they are going through the motions about how they were taught to act in a relationship.

The song “Everything You Want” by the band Vertical Horizon gets to the heart of the issue of people being ignorant about how relationships function. Just examine these particular lyrics from the song:

I am everything you want

I am everything you need…

I say all the right things

At exactly the right time

But I mean nothing to you

And you don’t know why

I interpret these lyrics to mean that the author of these lyrics considers himself to be the perfect match for the woman he is in love with. The woman he is singing about doesn’t know why even she can’t recognize the seemingly obvious romantic possibilities these two could enjoy. The last line in the lyrics says it all. Although he does everything right, she is clueless as to why she isn’t attracted to him.

The thing that determines the success or failure of a relationship is the person’s skill at navigating their relationship. A person’s perception of both how a relationship is supposed to emerge, and how it should unfold, will ultimately affect how successful their relationships will turn out. This individual perception affects what a person comes to expect in their interactions with any of their relationship partners.

For instance, an attractive person will have a much different expectation of how others are supposed to treat them as would an unattractive person. Each of these types would have different expectations about how others should, and will, likely act toward them. Later in the book we will discuss in more depth how physical attractiveness affects relationships.

Let me warn you at this early stage: physical attractiveness is only one component that affects the success of a relationship. Despite how much emphasis the media puts on its stereotypes about a person’s physical attractiveness, there are many ugly individuals who experience successful relationships. On the other hand, there are strikingly attractive individuals who struggle to keep their relationships together.

Attractive types have no problem getting into a relationship; their main problem is with maintaining their relationships. In other words, many of these physically attractive types don’t experience any difficulty getting others to become interested in dating them; their main struggle is getting people to stay in a relationship with them. It’s one thing to get another person to become attracted to you initially. It’s entirely another thing to get them to stay attracted to you.

This fact begs the question that there must be something other than physical attraction that determines relationship success. Take for example Jennifer Lopez; or “JLo.” She is wealthy, and seems to become even more physically attractive with time. Yet, even such a model physical specimen has been married and divorced several times. Obviously her “looks” and wealth haven’t been enough to keep her past relationships intact.

Something else must be missing. That’s why, contrary to popular belief, having strikingly good looks, or wealth, are no guarantees of relationship success. Therefore, the scope of this book will focus on other aspects of attraction and love than on just a person’s physical attractiveness and financial wealth. Don’t get me wrong; good looks and wealth both have an effect on relationships. Yet, there are other aspects of relationships that also need to be examined and discussed. This book will do just that.

Let me repeat what I said above: the phenomenon of love is scientific and can be measured and understood as such. Besides being lucky enough to be born physically attractive, or into wealth, the rest is up to you; specifically how you interact with any prospective or established relationship partner.

“People’s success or failure in their relationships depends on how they interact with their partner.”

This book explains how relationships function from top to bottom. After reading it, you will posses the knowledge necessary to potentially avoid the pitfalls that plague most relationships. However, acquiring the knowledge needed to experience and enjoy a successful relationship is not enough.

Knowing how relationships function doesn’t necessarily mean that you will know how to transform such knowledge into actions that lead to a thriving relationship. You must know more than just information for its own sake; you must ultimately know how to actually use the information you learn out in the real world. In short, knowledge itself isn’t enough; you must be able to transform knowledge into action. This book is also going to help you solve your relationship problems by giving you just such an advantage. You will benefit by knowing how relationships actually work so that you will then know how to effectively use the information in your own relationships.

Earlier I mentioned that people often base their social interactions on common stereotypes and the social interactions portrayed in social media. The information contained in these pages is based not in the types of social media fantasies and the unrealistic expectations that come with them. Instead (rather), the information in this book is firmly rooted in the science of social psychology. And for the benefit of the reader, the information this book provides is based in real life and not in what I would consider fairy tales books. We will not be learning any fairytales about how to easily find an attractive partner to love and then miraculously expect to “live happily ever after.”

Before we move on to the next section of this chapter, I must ask that you start getting it out of your head that only physically attractive individuals are worth pursuing a relationship with. This is likely going to be a difficult task for you to accomplish. We’ve all been taught through the media that our soul mates should look like supermodels. Yet once you complete this undertaking, you will begin to realize the rewards of such fruitful thinking. Less attractive people can also make great relationship partners.

The Nobel Prize

“(Alfred Nobel) … he created a prize that would reward the discoveries that have conferred the greatest benefit to humankind.”

As you are reading through these pages, you may be asking yourself why you should trust the information I present in this book. After all, what do I know that you don’t already know yourself? The honest answer is: plenty. After studying relationships for the better part of three decades, I have discovered the keys to successful relationships.

Alfred Nobel “created a prize that would reward the discoveries that have conferred the greatest benefit to humankind.” Since 1901, researchers have received Nobel Prizes for discovering fascinating new ideas that have changed the world. Perhaps I am deserving of a prize on the scale of what Alfred Nobel had in mind. After you finish reading this book, then perhaps you will agree that the information contained in the pages of this book confers a great benefit to humankind. After all, every single person on the planet can benefit from the invaluable information in this book.

You may think I may be presumptuous about deserving such a prestigious honor. However, the only way you will know whether or not my work is worthy of such acclaim is to read the entire book!

Please don’t get upset with me because I’m suggesting that you may be ignorant about relationships. We are all ignorant about something. According to the dictionary, the word “ignorant” means: lacking knowledge or awareness about a particular subject. And as I have argued since page one of this book, most people are ignorant about how relationships function. There’s no shame in this. The real shame would be if you held a book in your hands that would certainly eliminate such a lack of knowledge and you didn’t read it from cover-to-cover.

I promise you that if you pay careful attention to the material presented in this book, and make a genuine effort to use it, you will see that I know what I am talking about. As you begin to trust what I am trying to teach you about relationships, you will start to “see the light.”

Once the light goes on, you will then be able to use the information you’ve learned to improve your chances of getting into a successful relationship. Additionally, you will also greatly improve your chances of keeping that relationship together. And most importantly, you will no longer be ignorant about how relationships function.

I’ll be completely honest, when I was younger, I was ignorant about how relationships worked. In fact, during my youth, I struggled to get females to pay much attention to me. In those early days, my friends would often joke that I couldn’t get a date if I won The Dating Game. Or else they would tease me that I had the perfect face: for radio. 

Yet, despite my handicap in the romance department, I made a concerted effort to learn what I needed to do to improve my chances of establishing and then enjoying a healthy and meaningful relationship. I began this endeavor by proceeding with an open mind. That meant that I no longer felt like I had to follow the herd and behave like all the other people did when it came to relationships. But the one thing that helped improve my chances at establishing a successful relationship was when I joined the US Army.

I realize that it may sound implausible that enlisting in the Army would help me with my romantic life, but read on. The experiences I gained while serving in the military provided me with a new sense of self-confidence. Basically, I started to believe in myself. Early in my army experience, I was trained to not be afraid to try out new ways of thinking and acting. In fact, I became more proactive about life and regularly “went for it” instead of fearing potentially unfavorable outcomes.

While serving in the military, most of my service was with some type of US Army Special Operations unit. None of the elite soldiers I ever served with had ever taken a military course on how to flirt with or pursue women. So, despite my military training, I was the same guy I had been before I enlisted in the military: I was still ignorant about how relationships functioned. Fortunately for me, that was about to change.

After being discharged from the Army, I returned to the same type of civilian life I had enjoyed before joining up. I went back to hanging out with the same friends in the same social circles. But something had changed in me. I no longer felt that I fit in these groups.

Hanging out with my old friends seemed pointless. We would still go out every weekend, drink beer, go to parties, and chase the same handful of beautiful women as did the rest of the guys from the neighborhood. Somehow I just knew that these activities were a waste of my time. I was frustrated with my renewed civilian life, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on exactly why I felt this way; or what I could do about it. That was until I met Denise.

My younger sister was high school friends with this stunningly attractive young woman. Yet, since I had no real self-confidence in myself when it came to pursuing women, when I met Denise, I immediately convinced myself that she was out of my league. So, whenever I would hang out with my sister and her attractive friends, I was not inclined to even flirt with Denise; much less pursue her.

This all changed at my sister’s eighteenth birthday party. During the regular interaction between the party-goers, I somehow ended up in a room alone with Denise. I had no problem talking to her; after all we had hung out on many occasions and had even become good friends as well as drinking buddies. I just didn’t think I had any chance at romance with such a smart and beautiful young woman. So I didn’t even entertain such a possibility.

When we were alone in that room, Denise asked me, “Pete, what would you do if I wanted to kiss you?” I was so stunned by what I just heard that I almost dropped my beer cup. To this day I still remember that incident vividly. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard! I figured that I better kiss Denise before the effects of the alcoholic drink she had been drinking wore off, at which time she would realize exactly what she was doing. So we kissed. All-the-while, I couldn’t believe what was happening.

What happened next was something that I would have never thought possible at the time. After that initial romantic encounter at the party, Denise and I started a relationship that ended up spanning seven years. It would be Denise that would end up teaching me a significant amount of information about how romantic relationships work.

At this particular time in my life, I admit that I had no clue about how relationships functioned. That is, I was still ignorant as to why this was happening to me. The way I saw it was that I had no business being in a relationship with such a smart and stunningly beautiful young woman. For the most part, during that initial stage in our relationship, I was like Indiana Jones; I was making it up as I went.

It was precisely because of this dating situation with Denise that I became interested in how relationships worked. Because now my heart was on the line, I was extremely motivated to learn more about relationships. I admit, Denise had a distinct social advantage over me, and soon she became the “alpha” in the relationship. I could only react to whatever she was doing.

To put it bluntly, Denise was always two steps ahead of me. She was clearly in control. I was just counting my lucky stars that such a woman of her caliber would even give me the time of day. I certainly didn’t do anything to rock the boat with her. So, to my detriment, I soon became her lap dog. Denise definitely ruled the relationship.

Because I was in a relationship that I had no business being in, I soon found myself frustrated on a regular basis. It seemed as though I couldn’t do anything right. That is, everything I’d always believed about how to behave in a relationship seemed to cause me more headaches than it brought me relationship success.

Fortunately, however, my Army experience had changed me. It had made me become proactive about taking control of my life. So, instead of repeatedly banging my head against a brick wall out of frustration with my relationship with Denise, I decided to do something about it. I was going to figure out how relationships really functioned.

The silver lining to this story is that while serving in the paratroopers, I had learned not to ever be a quitter. That had been drilled into me on a daily basis. So instead of giving up on Denise, I only became more determined to discover what it would take to win and keep her affections. Fortunately, the longer I stayed in my relationship with Denise, the more I learned about how they functioned. To this day I credit Denise with teaching me a great deal of what I know about relationships. I was fortunate to have been learning from one of the best.

Over the subsequent months and years, Denise taught me plenty about the art of maintaining a relationship. That is, as I was continually reacting to how she ran our relationship, I did manage to learn a few things about what to do differently in certain circumstances. After awhile, I learned how to counter Denise’s power, and thus began to experience a more balanced relationship with her.

I must admit however, that during this educational journey, the path I took did become quite bumpy. These lessons about how relationships function were no cake walk. But in the end, I learned so much about how relationships worked that I have absolutely no regrets about the emotional lumps I received on such a journey.

The emotional lumps you will likely experience along your educational path will be tempered by the fact that you can learn a number of the lessons I did without the pain associated with me learning them. You can learn these lessons just by reading this book. What I am trying to say is that you will be able to learn these lessons because of the mistakes I (and others) made without actually having to experience them yourself. In this regard, count your lucky stars.

A good example of one of my relationship learning experiences is how both Denise and I acted during one of our many temporary breakups. After a string of breaking up to make up episodes, I was able to learn a good lesson about the power dynamics inherent with any relationship.

In the early part of our relationship, I will admit: I was afraid of Denise. She completely controlled my heartstrings. Denise knew she could coerce me into certain behaviors merely by threatening to breakup with me. Each time she threatened to breakup with me, I would do everything in my power to avoid such a frightening possibility.

For example, if Denise told me to “get lost,” I would take her at her word, and I would “get lost.” I would leave her alone and go sulk somewhere. Eventually she would let me know whether or not it was safe to go near her again. Then I would rush back into the relationship. However, after engaging in this routine for some time, I began to tire of it.

Slowly I began to stubbornly resist her overtures to reconcile after spending time away from her. At first, these stubborn resistance periods were few and far between. But after awhile, they began to grow in length. Eventually, I reached a tipping point and decided to take a stand against this breakup-to-make up routine.

During one of our quarrels, Denise threatened to breakup with me unless I complied with whatever she was demanding at the time. But on that occasion, I made up my mind not to simply give in to her ultimatum. So when she delivered the breakup threat, I replied, “Why do you want to breakup with me? All we’re going to do is have a ‘who-can-wait-longer contest.’ And you know how stubborn I am. I can wait longer than you if I have to.” A sense of surprise and anger quickly overtook her. Denise slapped me as she retorted, “How dare you say that to me!”

Luckily for me, my decision to take a stand against Denise’s breakup ultimatum was purely spontaneous. Had I had time to think about what I was going to do ahead of time, I probably would have convinced myself to play it safe. That way there would be no danger of us breaking up.

But in that particular instance, that slap had told me all I needed to know. Denise had only reacted this way because she knew I was telling the truth about what would likely transpire if she broke up with me. In fact, I remember wanting to smile knowing that I had finally stuck up for myself in such a threatening scenario.

After that dramatic encounter, her threats to call off our relationship decreased significantly. Keep in mind; during that encounter I had acted like Indiana Jones: I had made it up as I went. But I had learned something about how to counter her breakup threats. This knowledge would serve me well in the future; not only with Denise, but with other future girlfriends as well.

This was only one example of how I learned about how to conduct myself in a relationship. After learning how to successfully handle a number of other power dynamics in our relationship, my confidence grew. So, when any other type of power dynamic presented itself, I had developed the courage to stand up for myself.

With enough wins under my belt, I had become more willing to take chances as future conflicts presented themselves. But more importantly, I was no longer willing to remain ignorant about how my relationship functioned.

My old self, the one that thought in order to have a good relationship meant giving my stunningly attractive girlfriend everything she wanted, began to slowly disappear. But the pace of the changes happening to me began to quicken with each new successful outcome. A new, more confident self began to emerge. I was now a changed relationship partner.

I predict that something similar will happen to you as you read and learn the lessons presented in each of the book’s chapters. It will soon be you that becomes the changed relationship partner.

I Took My Knowledge of Relationships “To the Next Level”

After years of experiencing more of these types of power plays, I amassed a considerable amount of useful information about how relationships function. I learned enough to fill a thick notebook. One positive outcome of all that learning is that now you are already in the process of receiving that valuable information. The information contained in this book is a formalized version of that notebook on relationships.

Sometime during my junior year of college, I struck up a friendship with a guy who lived in the same dorm. Our friendship blossomed to the point where we could talk openly about any subject under the sun; no holds barred. Eventually I decided that I could talk to this guy about my personal research on relationships. He ended up being the first person with whom I felt I could share the information contained in my relationship notebook.

When my friend realized how much useful information I had gathered on how relationships functioned, he became very enthusiastic about learning even more. Soon enough, I would have my friend “try out” some of the theories I had developed on how relationships played out under certain circumstances. Let’s just say that my friend was a more-than-willing guinea pig in our collaborative efforts to learn about relationships. So much so that he was continually asking me for more information.

Perhaps I should have known better, but I dived in headfirst without thinking about what kind of consequences such relationship “experiments” might produce. One day my friend approached me and commented that he felt lucky to have me as a relationship research collaborator. Then he said something that totally caught me by surprise. While on our way to eat in the dorm cafeteria, he commented, “You have taught me so many effective ways to score with women that you’ve turned me into a rabbit looking for holes.” Upon hearing this, my stomach felt upset and I felt a grave disappointment with the fact that I had inadvertently helped create a monster.

After hearing that comment, I slowly began to curtail the amount and types of information I shared with him. I wanted no part of helping anyone get laid.

At the time, I was pretty adept at graphic design and art. Using the skills I had learned in my time serving with the Army’s Psychological Operations, I designed a fake cover for the relationship notebook. The fake cover looked like an actual commercially-produced notebook. It resembled the type of notebook someone might purchase from the university bookstore. I titled the notebook, “Ceramics for the Elderly.” The cover featured some pictures of pottery and a couple of senior citizens engaged in the art of clay pottery production.

The notebook cover was devised to hide the notebook and its content from anyone wishing to acquire, and then abuse the information contained in it. That fake cover ended up being so effective that I could leave the notebook unattended in my dorm room or anywhere else I took it. Because of the deceptive cover, no one ever expressed any desire to pick it up and browse through its pages.

I laughed one time when another friend asked me for some dating advice while he placed his beer on the notebook; effectively using it as a beverage coaster. When I noticed this happening, I just smiled to myself and told him that I was too busy with school work to be researching relationships. No one ever became the wiser to my plot to protect the valuable information on relationships from getting into the hands of anymore “rabbits looking for holes.”

After that initial encounter with my friend saying that he was in essence going to abuse the information in the notebook, I had to be careful with whom I shared my notebook. With the “rabbit” comment cemented in the back of my head, during future interactions, I always managed to first vet anyone I shared it with.

The few individuals who I allowed to read the notebook were always impressed by how powerful the information it contained turned out to be. In fact, every one of the people who became familiar with the information in the notebook told me that someday I should write an actual book about relationships. The book you have in your hands is “that book”: the one those people suggested that I write.

Eventually I earned a Ph.D. in Social Psychology and became a university professor. Early in my academic career, I volunteered to teach the large introductory courses our department offered. This was unusual since most professors avoided teaching these large classes. Such courses tended to require an excessive amount of logistic work. However, I viewed these large introductory classes as a recruiting oasis. During my time teaching them, I did manage to influence a large number of students to major in Sociology, or at least to pursue a minor in it.

Because studying relationships was my prominent professional interest, in my courses, I always found a way to include a series of lectures that focused on relationships. These lectures proved to be extremely popular. After all, what young college student wouldn’t want to learn about how relationships worked? In fact, during these lectures on relationships, I always had a number of visitors.

One of those visitors ended up being the book representative from a major textbook publisher. She had been visiting my office when a group of students had shown up for my office hours. These students came to my office to further discuss the lecture on relationships I had just delivered an hour before. The book representative became engaged in the lively office discussion about relationships and learned that two more lectures on the topic were scheduled for later that week. She was more than enthusiastic to learn about these upcoming lectures, and asked permission to attend them.

After class on the final day of the relationships lecture series, the book representative asked me if I had typed up my notes for these lectures. I told her that I did have these notes typed up and arranged in a notebook. As a smile crept across her face, she asked if I would allow her to send a copy of these notes to her manager at the publisher’s headquarters. Her ultimate aim was to get her company’s permission to publish them as a bona fide textbook. The episode about the “rabbit looking for holes” came to mind as I asked her for twenty-four hours to think about her proposition.

I eventually agreed to her request to send a copy of the notebook to her company headquarters. Within a week, they called me to ask if they could publish them as a textbook. Since the publishing company was okay with the idea of me editing the book’s content, I agreed to their request. During the next month, I managed to edit the content for the upcoming book in way as to not encourage abuse of the information.

When I saw the book’s pre-publication galley pages, I was satisfied with how they would look once published. I was mainly concerned that the final product would serve as a textbook and not as a book on how to get laid.

After its publication, I regretted that the book was written in an academic style and was somewhat dry. The book you are reading now contains the same information taken directly from my relationship notebook. As such, the book you are reading is written in a simple, everyday conversational style.

The reason I became passionate about writing this version of the book is because I wanted to share the useful information with more than just college students. In fact, I want to share this information with the entire world. Remember the reason Alfred Nobel created his acclaimed prize? This book will serve as my attempt to better humanity. I figure that if people have access to useful information about how relationships function, then I may be able to help save many individuals from the heartache associated with trying to navigate through romantic relationships without any real clue about how they function.

My hope is that readers will be able to learn from my relationship blunders, as well as from other people’s mistakes without having to go through the pain we endured as we learned these valuable lessons about relationships. After all, who doesn’t want to improve their relationships?

You have to admit; reading this far into the book has piqued your curiosity about the prospects of improving your own relationships. Even better is the fact that as you read through each chapter, you will immediately have not only a better understanding of how your own relationships function, but as you read through each chapter, you will take away a new tool to add to your  metaphorical “relationship toolbox.”

As your “relationship toolbox” grows, you will become more confident about how you establish a new relationship, or maintain your existing relationship. And should you (or any of your friends or family) ever be faced with the prospect of a breakup, you will have a useful resource that you, or someone you know, can use to help navigate through it to successfully reach closure.

At this point, I must tell you about the approach I will use to inform readers about how relationships function. I am not a counselor, nor am I a therapist. Therefore, I will not tell readers what to do in any specific scenario. Instead, I will only discuss concepts and constructs that will inform them about how relationships function. But I will do so in a way that will enable readers to be able to relate to the information on a personal level. While reading through the book, you will be “plugging yourself” into the information I present.

As you read each chapter, the information you learn about will trigger you into thinking about how your own relationship has ever been affected by the social dynamics being discussed. So, I guess you can say this book is about you. It’s about everyone. As you read through the book, you will be saying to yourself things like, “Dang, that’s so true.” Or perhaps you will say to yourself something like, “Wow! That’s exactly what’s happening to me right now.”

You will also involuntarily think about the lessons from the book while you have down time; such as when you are driving, riding public transportation, or getting ready for bed. These lessons will reverberate in your head as you mull over how the phenomena that was discussed in the book has affected you in any of your past relationships. In that scenario, you may think to yourself, “Maybe I should have done this instead of that.”

Not to mention that you will become eager to see how the lessons you have learned will help you in any of your future relationships.

Relationships are complex. Yet at the same time, they are exceedingly simple. They are complex because so many forces act upon them. Yet they are generally simple because they follow a number of straightforward logics. In fact, once you understand the common patterns that relationships follow, and the logic that influences those patterns, then you will understand how to easily manipulate your relationships.

When I use the word “manipulate,” I don’t necessarily imply anything nefarious. Instead, I just mean that people continually manipulate other people. It happens all the time. Putting on makeup, for example, is a manipulation. Getting a certain type of haircut is a manipulation. Going to a beach in a skimpy bikini is a type of manipulation. Manipulation is merely one of the many tools people use to try and get a certain outcome during any given social interaction.

The Relationship Fundamentals

This book examines the basic social psychological forces that affect all relationships. It will ask and then answer questions such as:

• How do relationships emerge and develop?
• How do relationships change over time?
• What are the some of the power dynamics that have certain effects on relationships?
• What are the personal and social forces that help shape relationships?
• Do males and females experience relationships differently?
• What does a person need to do to survive a breakup?

These are only a sample of the types of questions this book will address and then answer. Obviously, there are a plethora of questions that can be asked and answered about how relationships function. This book cannot possibly speak to all of them. Therefore, I do not claim that this book is a comprehensive volume on all aspects of relationships.

However, the scope of this book will provide you with a working knowledge about how relationships function. Such information will give you a solid understanding about what makes them successful (or not). My bet is that the information you learn from this book will help you avoid becoming one of the types of individuals that, despite honest efforts, will continue to experience failed relationships.

In order to facilitate the process of turning knowledge into action, I will use short stories at the end of each chapter to illustrate how each of these aspects of relationships functions in the “real world.” These vignettes will serve as examples of the specific relationship phenomenon being discussed.

THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING RELATIONSHIPS

[1] What is the benefit of thinking outside of the box?

One of the main things I learned while serving in US Army Special Forces was that many times it pays to think outside the box. There have always been those who think like the “herd.” That is, they follow the trends, meaning that they usually think in a conventional manner like the crowd. In special ops, I was encouraged to think about how to wage war using tactics and strategy that ran counter to the commanders who thought that winning a war meant using overwhelming power against an enemy. Sometimes using “tricky” tactics resulted in winning battles. These guerrilla tactics tend to use fewer resources than conventional strategies. Yet, such tactics also tended to “get results.”

 The “special” in Special Forces refers to the fact that these types of soldiers are taught and encouraged to think in ways that often run counter to how conventional troops think about how to wage war. Not surprisingly, Army Special Forces call themselves unconventional warriors.

Unconventional thinking benefited me when it came to learning about how romantic relationships functioned. After all, if you think like the people who have no real grasp of how relationships function, you will likely end up with the same results as these conventional thinkers: either a breakup or a divorce.

When it comes to relationships, often times it pays to think outside the box. After all, if you think like the rest of those who remain ignorant about how relationships actually function, you will continue to feel frustrated about how your relationships turn out. Chapter one includes some examples on how thinking outside the box can help you see the benefits of pursuing your own personal goals instead of worrying too much about following social conventions. Remember that the book’s main goal is to help you see how new ways of thinking can improve your relationships.

[2] The Temporal Order

All relationships are bound by the logic of time. That is, they emerge and develop in a sequential manner. All relationships progress through three stages: a beginning; a middle; and an end. This is called The Temporal Order.

The reason it is important to fully conceptualize a relationships as a time-oriented concept is because each of these distinct stages are guided by a different set of social as well as psychological forces. Establishing a relationship is entirely different from maintaining one. Maintaining a relationship is a completely different experience than is starting one. The logic involved with ending a relationship is entirely different than either establishing or maintaining one.

Each of the three distinct stages requires a different skill set to successfully navigate through them. Someone may be better at getting into a relationship than they are at keeping one together. Another person may be better at keeping a relationship intact than they are at surviving a breakup. Then again, some people have no problem handling a breakup. Success or failure in each stage just depends on what individual is involved.

The Temporal Order will also affect how the information in this book is structured. Each of the three stages will be discussed in a separate section of the book. The sections of the book will follow in chronological order:  

            [Section 3] The 15 Keys to understanding a relationship. (general information

           [Section 4] Establishing a relationship. (getting in)

            [Section 5] Maintaining a relationship. (staying in)

            [Section 6] Ending a relationship. (getting out)

 [3] The Reinforcement-Affect Theory

According to the politically correct types, the reason people fall in love with someone is because that individual treats them “nice.” In fact, that is the gist of the leading theory on attraction. The main argument of The Reinforcement-Affect Theory is that people become attracted to those who “act nice” (i.e. they act in a reinforcing manner). Nice behavior may include things like acting considerate and caring about a person. Examples of nice behavior would include sending someone gifts or perhaps flowers. A nice person may ask someone out on a date and then generally act attentive to their needs. One of the leading text books on interpersonal communication suggests that if you want someone to become attracted to you, then you should, “Say nice things; do nice things.”

However, that suggestion to act in a reinforcing manner only covers one side of the attraction equation. What about when a person becomes attracted to someone who, “Says bad things; does bad things”? Plenty of people become attracted to the “bad boys” (and girls). The Reinforcement-Affect Theory is at a loss to explain this negative side of the attraction phenomenon.

[4] Sometimes bad boys and girls finish first

Mother Nature usually acts in a balanced fashion. What I mean by this is that there is a Ying for every Yang. Thus, it only makes sense that people could become attracted to both “nice” as well as “not-nice” individuals. This balanced conceptualization of the attraction phenomenon will be explored in greater detail in chapter four, which focuses on why we really fall in love.

This book won’t be at a loss to explain why people become attracted to the “bad boys” (and girls). Chapter four is focused on this phenomenon and addresses it head on. Plenty of people are attracted to the types that are, “Saying bad things; doing bad things.” This chapter contains perhaps the core argument of the book: that we are attracted to individuals who make us work to earn their love and affection.

This attraction process requires a delicate balance. If someone’s love and affection are too easy to acquire, they aren’t seen as very valuable. Yet, if someone requires too much effort to win their love and affection, then the juice may not be worth the squeeze.

[5] The Law of Reversed Effort

Have you ever noticed that whenever you are in a committed relationship, that “offers to hook up” seem to come out of the woodwork? Then again, whenever you are single, those “offers” seem to evaporate into thin air.

When you run from someone, that is you try to avoid them, they then seem to chase you. You seem to run into them at every corner you turn. However, whenever you chase someone, they tend to run from you. This phenomenon actually has a name. It is called The Law of Reversed Effort. Chapter five explains the positive as well as negative aspects of this sometimes quirky phenomenon. 

[6] The Principle of Least Interest

Chapter six tackles a concept called The Principle of Least Interest. The gist of this law of attraction states that the partner who has the least interest in keeping the relationship intact will have the most power. The opposite is also true: the person in the relationship that has the most interest in keeping the relationship together will have the least power.

But where The Principle of Least Interest theory falls short is when one or both partners make efforts to hide their “true” feelings. In other words, partner A may not let partner B know how they actually feel about them. And in this regard, reality is one thing, but perception is everything. If one of the partners doesn’t know how the other partner actually feels about them, such a situation will affect the dynamics of the relationship. Chapter six discusses some of the games people play in order to hide their true feelings from their romantic partner.

[7] Saturation/ Deprivation of certain types of behaviors

Chapter seven discusses what happens when a person is given too much positive attention. Such a person will likely become saturated with it. To these types, positive attention given to them will become routine, predictable and thus, even expected. And once nice behavior seems routine and predictable, it will be taken for granted.

In this type of scenario, the person that has become saturated with positive attention will start to become attracted to its opposite: negative attention. This is the type of situation in which a person that is saturated with positive attention will then become attracted to the types that “Say bad things; do bad things.” This phenomenon is more common than most people realize. Chapter seven focuses on the concept of Saturation/ Deprivation and discusses this phenomenon at some length.

[8] Love and Hate versus Indifference

In order to make the next point, let me first conduct a short informal questionnaire. Under which of these conditions should you become concerned /worried? When your partner says that they love you? Or when your partner tells you that they hate you? Perhaps you should be concerned when your partner doesn’t tell you any of those things, but instead acts indifferent toward you?

Most people mistakenly believe that the opposite of love is hate. Nothing could be further from the truth. Both loving and hating someone requires an emotional component. Therefore, I argue that love and hate are not complete opposites of each other. Rather, I claim that they are two sides of the same coin.

The way I see it is that the complete opposite of love isn’t hate. Rather, the opposite of “caring” about a person is when someone “does not care” about them. That is, when someone feels indifferent about another person. When you feel indifferent about someone, you don’t care either way about that person’s well-being. Put simply, the opposite of caring about someone is to not care about them. You don’t have feelings for them one way or another.

Please keep in mind that when you hate someone it means that you still have feelings for them. They may be negative feelings, but they are feelings nonetheless. In chapter eight, we will delve into the way this phenomenon works and the danger of not conceptualizing it correctly.

[9] Pleasure versus pain

A similar logic guides the feelings of pleasure and pain a relationship. Whenever you feel good about something that is happening in your relationship, you tend to experience a feeling of pleasure. On the other hand, whenever you feel bad about something that is happening in your relationship, you normally experience some sort of pain.

Is there anyone who wants to experience pain in their relationship? (I don’t imply anything about S & M types here). It’s probably not surprising to learn that most people make an effort to avoid pain in their relationships. Unfortunately, however, this is almost entirely impossible.  

Like with the feelings of love and hate, what most people don’t realize is that pleasure and pain in relationships are opposite sides of the same coin. The fact is that pain already exists as a possibility in any pleasurable relationship. At any given moment, the positive feelings associated with love can quickly turn into searing pain. So here, I am talking about potential pain. Chapter nine will discuss this phenomenon at some length.

Still, many people believe that avoiding pain in a relationship is possible. But again, pleasure and pain go together as two sides of a coin. That is, as you increase your pleasure, the potential for pain increases at the same rate. There is no way to avoid the reality that pain is a normal part of relationships. Yet some people attempt such a feat without truly understanding how pleasure and pain exist in relationships.

[10] A person’s Conditioning Index (On a scale between 1 + 10)

Another thing that affects someone in a relationship is how that person expects others to treat them during normal social interaction. Through a lifetime of repeated types of social contact, people come to learn how others will likely act towards them. These learned social interaction expectations are known as a person’s “conditioning index.” We’ve all become conditioned to expect how we will be treated by others based on our level of physical attractiveness. We’ve also become conditioned to expect how we will be treated by others based on their level of physical attractiveness. Taken together, these two phenomena determine a person’s “conditioning index.” Chapter ten will dive deeper into this process.

[11] Random Reinforcement

What happens to someone who is randomly given affection and love? When someone gives random affection and love to an individual, the person on the receiving end of such random acts will be unable to figure out what led to the affection or love. Chapter eleven discusses a social experiment that researched this very phenomenon. You will be surprised by the research findings.

The reason why this is so important in a relationship is because when affection and love are given randomly, the person receiving them won’t be able to manipulate the relationship. The random factor negates the manipulation factor. Put simply, if affection and love are given randomly, the person receiving the random attention cannot determine why such behaviors occurred. Therefore, their ignorance as to the cause of such behaviors makes it likely that they will find it impossible to manipulate the relationship. In chapter eleven, we will discuss how random reinforcement works and how it may make it difficult for someone to escape an abusive relationship.

[12] Who has a stronger sex drive: males of females?

Most people also fail to realize just how much influence Mother Nature has on their sex lives. Let me share with you an exercise I used in class. I would start class by asking: Who has a stronger sex drive, males or females? Most of the students believed that males have a stronger sex drive than do their female counterparts.

Students who thought that males have a stronger sex drive tended to confuse the concept of frequency with that of intensity. “Frequency” refers to how often someone has the desire to engage in sexual activity. “Strong” on the other hand, refers to how intense a person’s sex drive is. These are two completely different concepts.

Granted, males constantly express their interest in sex. But they have a somewhat casual attitude toward sex. As one male student phrased it, “A guy can sometimes have sex like he’s shaking someone’s hand.” For a male, a natural drive manifests itself and the guy will do something about it. The desire to commit a sex act may not prove to be that intense for him.

On the other hand, when Mother Nature triggers the female sex drive, she makes the physical desire an intense one. When females want sex, sometimes they are climbing the walls because their need is so powerful. Females may not seem to desire sex as often as males, but when they do, they crave it. Chapter twelve examines why Mother Nature structured things to work this way. It will show that her main goal is to get humans to procreate.

[13] Positive Passion versus Negative Passion

Most people want to experience passionate love lives. And in the early stages of their relationships, they experience plenty of passion. However, as most people’s relationships progress, the intensity of their passion tends to decrease. It is because of this tendency that people devise various ways to try to keep alive the passion they first experienced in their relationships.

What most people fail to realize is that there exists two types of passion. First, there is positive passion. This is the passion that is enjoyable and provides a sense of security and bliss. Then there is negative passion. This type of passion produces a sense of insecurity and makes people feel resentment and anger to wards someone. Both types of passion are capable of stimulating endorphins. Both types of passion can raise your blood pressure. One type raises it in a good way and the other type affects it negatively.

The problem arises when a couple begins to replace positive passion with a negative passion. Unfortunately, negative passion will stimulate a relationship when positive passion is no longer doing the trick. When it comes to stimulating a relationship, after awhile, one type of passion may be as good as the other. After all, sometimes in the eyes of the partners, passion is passion. In chapter thirteen, we will discuss how this process of moving from positive to negative passion will likely affect your relationship.

[14] Men and women operate on different sheets of music

When it comes to relationships, it is often said that men and women operate on different sheets of music. I’ve even heard it put this way: Men will give love to women in order to get sex. Whereas women will give sex to men in order to get love. Of course, this is an example of just one circumstance. Chapter fourteen will take a deeper look at how men and women operate on different sheets of music.

[15] Games people play: Strategic Interaction

Goffman used the metaphor of theater to make his points about how people structured their interaction with one another. Thus, his theoretical approach fell into the type of sociology called dramaturgy.

In Goffman’s dramaturgical approach, he uses theatrical terms to help explain the nuances of social interaction. The over goal of a person’s crafted self image is to manage how others will view them. Thus, everything a person does falls under the definition of impression management.

Goffman turned Role Theory on its head. Traditional role theorists assert that a person acts out the role that is assigned to them by their particular social status. But to Goffman, the role isn’t assigned to an individual. Rather, the person chooses the role they wish to act out from a variety of roles that are already socially defined. From these various predetermined social roles, the social actor chooses the one they wish to use to define their actions. Then they go about finding ways to make their role enactment seem authentic. Social actors try to convince the audience members that their actions are genuine.

Goffman uses terms such as covering move, uncovering-move, and counter uncovering-move. These different social moves are used in the social actor’s strategic interaction. They are examples of moves used in the give-and-take of the social chess board.

According to Goffman, each social actor prepares for their role in a back stage region away from the prying eyes. Here the social actors craft their dramatic composition. Their act is based on the appropriate predetermined scripts that they will use to prepare for a performance in a front stage region. Goffman also talks about team play, in which the social actor is attempting to present a certain overall group image. Each social actor also uses props to enhance their role enactments.

Goffman maintains that social actors are big manipulators. That is, they often attempt to present an image of themselves that are not entirely genuine. One never knows whether a person is presenting an authentic picture of who they really are, or if a person is merely acting out a role for some nefarious reason. Thus, each person involved in social action must is trying to find what the other person’s true motives are.

While doing so, each person is simultaneously guarding against the other person finding out what their true motives may be. Goffman assumes that this social chess match is an ongoing activity is every type social arena. Understanding this type of social interaction is especially important in a relationship. Both partners will likely be playing putting on an act when interacting with a romantic partner.

Chapter fifteen focuses entirely on Erving Goffman’s idea that people engage in strategic interaction; that they use strategy to help them manipulate their relationships to their benefit. Just think about how a chess player uses strategy to figure out not only their next move, but their opponent’s next move as well.

These 15 keys should provide readers with a basic picture of some of the forces that affect how relationships emerge and develop over time. None of these keys is limited to any single stage of a relationship. They all transcend across all three relationship stages.

GETTING IN: Establishing a Relationship.

The section of the book focuses on the process of establishing a relationship. It contains chapters on issues related to getting into a relationship. These chapters present information on how people meet a potential dating partner. My goal in this section of the book is to help readers better understand the social dynamics associated with getting into a relationship.  *I will do the same for both the sections on maintaining a relationship and surviving a breakup.

Why is it beneficial to not start off on your best behavior when getting into a relationship?

In order to create a favorable first impression, most people believe that whenever they begin a relationship, they should start it off by putting their best foot forward. Chapter sixteen warns against such thinking. After all, if you start out at the top, the only way for you to go is down. That said, sometimes it may be a better strategy to start off somewhere other than at the top of your game.

I understand that there will be some detractors who will whole-heartedly disagree with my advice that starting a relationship off on your best behavior may not be beneficial. However, think about this social dynamic. If at the beginning of a relationship someone initially likes you, and then they come to dislike you for some reason; they will dislike you even more than if they had disliked you in the first place. In fact, they may actually come to hate or revile you. They may feel that you somehow tricked them into liking you under false pretenses. Chapter sixteen was written to help change the minds of anyone who doubts my argument about starting off a relationship on your best behavior.

Whenever you date someone, you also “date” their friends and family.

People almost always fail to realize that when they start dating a person, they are going to also end up dating, and even perhaps marrying, that person’s friends and family. I don’t mean this in a literal sense. I do, however, mean it in a figurative way. The point I am making is that when you start a relationship with someone, their friends and family will have something to say about whether or not you are worthy of being in a relationship with them. Thus, you may be required to make some sort of positive impression on those friends and family members in order to continue the relationship with your potential romantic partner. Chapter seventeen provides some insight on how to handle this social dynamic.

What’s the likelihood of finding true love during your first try?

Let me say up front that your first foray into the dating scene will not likely result in you finding your soul mate. Hence, the saying, “You may have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince.” In chapter eighteen was written to help you avoid having to kiss as many frogs as those who haven’t read this book.

Is your competition always something to worry about?

In matters of the heart, many people believe that their competitors are automatically their enemy. This thinking could hardly be further from the truth. If you happen to be one of those that think that your competition is only something to fear, I have some news for you. In fact, if you play it right, your competition can actually become your ally. In chapter nineteen, I will show you how it’s possible to turn any dating competition into an ally.

Does your soul mate have to look like a supermodel?

There are some drawbacks to wanting only to date physically attractive people. One reason so many people have a problem staying in their relationships is because they think that their soul mate has to look like a supermodel. Both males and females are guilty of thinking this way. These types tend to choose their potential romantic partners mainly because of their physical attractiveness. My research shows that in order to find their soul mate, people should be more focused on who would make a great relationship teammate; someone who will have your back through thick and thin. There’s more to this issue than I can write here in the introduction. We are going to discuss this issue in more detail in chapter twenty.

Is there any advantage to online dating?

About a decade ago, I wrote an article about the online dating culture. To do so, I had to research the various Internet-based dating sites. In order to get an up-close look at how these dating websites worked, I joined a few of the most popular ones. Most of them began the registration and membership process by having me complete some type of “compatibility questionnaire.”  Most of the popular dating sites seemed to make a genuine effort to help their members make a deep love connection. Despite such seemingly good intentions, in the end, it was one’s physical attractiveness that turned out to be the most important factor in people’s choices to date someone. The reality is that someone’s good-looks are what determine whether someone chooses to swipe right on another person’s profile. Chapter twenty-one provides an overview of the online dating culture.

Is age really “only a number”?

During my middle-age years, I dated a significantly younger woman. At the time, I was 40 years old; she was 20 years old. As a result of our age difference, many people expressed their misgivings about our relationship. In fact, many of her relatives flat out refused to meet me. Other relatives of hers did end up meeting me, but did so only reluctantly. Some of my own family members also had some reservations about such a dating arrangement. But the more my girlfriend and I experienced such doubts about our relationship, the more determined we were to prove these detractors wrong. Chapter twenty-two concludes with an assessment of whether or not age is really just a number when it comes to relationships.

Is it always disrespectful to bring up sex in a conversation with a female?

I completely agree with the belief that men shouldn’t indulge in vulgar sex talk with females. In my research on relationships, I also learned that not many people want to date a nun or an Altar Boy. These types are the types have been indoctrinated into thinking that sex-talk should be off limits whenever a female is present. Chapter twenty-three delves deeper into this issue and may even suggest a way to find a balance between being perceived as either a loose woman or a nun; or a complete pig or an Altar Boy.

Is it possible to fall in love backwards?

Most people don’t realize that it’s possible to fall in love backwards. I have been studying relationships for over three decades and only recently learned that it was possible to do this. Not too long ago, I found myself in a situation where, by accident, I learned that such a phenomenon even existed. I can almost hear readers asking themselves: How is it possible to fall in love backwards? I agree that the possibility of such a phenomenon does sound strange. Chapter twenty-four goes into more detail about a phenomenon most people don’t know even exists, much less how it may affect a relationship.

STAYING IN: Maintaining a Relationship.

The section of the book focused on maintaining a relationship contains chapters on issues related to staying in a relationship. These chapters present information on the social dynamics involved with keeping a relationship together. Readers will find the information in this section useful as they endeavor to keep their own relationships intact.

Although you can’t hurry love, neither should you settle for any of the easiest relationship prospects.

Many people fall in love with the idea of “being in love.” What I mean by this is that these types are all-too-anxious to experience the positive feelings that having a love connection offers. In their haste to experience the euphoria of love, they end up settling for a sub par partner. Unfortunately for these individuals, they aren’t actually falling in love with the actual person they are in a relationship with. They are often attracted only to the idea of being in love. In other words, they are in love with being in love. Chapter twenty-five discusses the benefits of realizing whether or not someone is falling in love with an actual individual, or if they are falling in love with the idea of being in love.

What is the danger of being too controlling in a relationship?

Every semester I ask my students, “Is it possible to collect running water?” Invariably, a few of them reply in the affirmative. Next, I ask these students to explain how it’s possible to collect the water? At least a few of them will reply confidently (and often in a snooty manner) with something to the effect of, “Duh, put it in a cup or a bucket.”

To this seemingly “obvious” answer, I counter with, “Once the water is in the cup or bucket, does it continue to run?”

The correct answer to my question is that is not possible to “collect running water.” Once the water stops flowing, it will become stagnant. This is what too many people do in their relationships; they try to unrealistically restrict everything their partner does. Thus, when one of the partners imposes too many restrictions on their partner, it isn’t the water that will turn stagnant, it will be their relationship. Chapter twenty-six contains a deeper discussion on this phenomenon.

When you’re in a relationship, why is it so important to always stick up for yourself?

If there is only one chapter of this book that you will read, understand, and remember later on, let it be this one. This section is about having a back bone, and being able to stick up for yourself whenever it’s necessary. In chapter twenty-seven, we will address this issue head on. I am not suggesting that anyone act like a jerk. Instead, I am saying that standing up for yourself is one of the most important things to do in a relationship.

Is it okay for someone to tell “little white lies” in order to keep the peace with their partner?

Perhaps the most important aspect of a relationship is trust between the respective partners. That said; let me ask you: Do you think honesty is always the best policy? It follows from this logic that a person should always be completely honest with their partner. In chapter twenty-eight, I think you will be surprised at the final consensus about the idea of always being completely honest in a relationship.

Why is it imperative to nip jealousy in the bud?

I don’t need to tell you that jealousy can have some devastating effects on a relationship. It is often used as “a caring index”; meaning that the level of jealousy a person displays toward their partner equals how much they care about them. However, let me say this as clearly as I can, the “Green Monster” can wreak havoc upon a relationship. For all intents and purposes, it’s always best to nip jealousy in the bud. Because once the Green Monster comes to dominate your relationship, it is only a matter of time before it will all come crashing down. Chapter twenty-nine will show how jealousy can wreak havoc on a relationship. It will also show you how you can take steps to prevent jealousy from dominating your relationships.

Is it possible for a person to find “The One”?  Is a person likely to find “The One’?      

Is it possible to get all types of stimulation needed in a relationship from only one person? The answer to this question is clearly “Yes.” However, is it likely that a person will receive all types of stimulation from only one person? The answer to this question is without a doubt an unequivocal “No.” If it’s not likely for an individual to receive all types of stimulation from one person, then each partner in the relationship should recognize this fact. And thus, each partner should make an effort to allow their partner to experience some of their personal growth with someone outside of the relationship. 

Stimulation comes in various types. For purposes of discussion about the maintenance of a relationship, in chapter thirty, we will examine six different types of stimulation that are likely to affect any relationship. They are:

[1] Physical stimulation (sexual in nature)

[2] Spiritual stimulation (religious)

[3] Recreational stimulation (playing sports or having a hobby)

[4] Adventurous stimulation (trying out new things)

[5] Intellectual stimulation (thinking deep about issues)

[6] Emotional stimulation (keeping the passion alive)

Why can intimacy be equated with getting a look behind the curtains?

Chapter thirty-one explores some of the various issues a couple may encounter when the partners become intimate with one another. What then, does it mean to be “intimate” with a person? In order to answer this question, readers should be aware of the different definitions of “intimacy.”

Of the eight definitions of “intimacy” published in the Encarta Dictionary (North American), six of them are relevant to our discussion. Those six definitions can be further divided in half with three of them referring to phenomena that are associated with the “friendship” aspects of intimacy. The other three definitions refer to phenomena that are related to the “sexual” aspects of intimacy.

Both types of intimacy are important aspects of relationships. But they refer to two different things. Taken over all, being “intimate” with someone boils down to getting a look “behind the curtains.” Getting a look behind the curtains means getting a good look at someone’s true self; warts and all. Remember the chapter about the wisdom of starting off a relationship by putting your best foot forward? Becoming intimate with someone may mean getting a peek at their “worst foot.”

Does anyone really understand why people put up with domestic violence?

Most people possess only a surface-level understanding of the phenomenon of domestic violence. To an untrained eye, domestic violence doesn’t make sense. They tend to only focus on the violent feature of the phenomenon. These uneducated types are usually unaware of the various cultural, social, economic, and social psychological dynamics involved with the domestic violence. To help readers gain a more comprehensive understanding of how domestic violence affects relationships, chapter thirty-two will delve into how the people rationalize their partner’s aggressive behaviors. After reading this chapter, you will no longer view domestic violence in such a simplistic manner.

Is it possible for a relationship to recover from a bout of infidelity?

Is it true that once someone is a cheater, that they are always a cheater?  First of all, what is considered “cheating”? Definitions of what constitutes cheating aren’t universally agreed upon. In order to help readers answer these questions, chapter thirty-three will examine some of the various issues associated with infidelity. The chapter will also address the issue of whether or not a cheater can ever be completely rehabilitated.

Why is it advisable for each partner to have their own separate set of friends and personal interests?

Chapter thirty-four examines what happens to each of the partners’ individual social identities as they merge into a collective social identity: The couple. This identity transformation occurs in all relationships. It is called the couple’s social identity merger. Once the partners are paired up, each of them tends to surrender a part of their own individual social identity to that of a collective identity. The new couple’s new social identity becomes a combination of the two partner’s individuals’ social identities. After this happens, does one partner’s individual social identity eclipse that of the other? Also, what becomes of the individual social identities each partner had before the relationship was formed? And, is it okay for a partner to have a friend outside of their relationship?

The chapter also examines how each of their respective friends tend to “take a side” after a couple breaks up. Each “side” finds a way to blame to other as to who is to blame for the breakup. Also discussed is whether or not it is acceptable to remain friends with any member of your ex’s family? Chapter thirty-four focuses on the way a couple’s identity merger emerges and develops over the lifespan of a relationship. 

What are the six stages of love?

As any relationship progresses, the interpersonal dynamics associated with it will change. With this fact in mind, in an article on The Six Stages of Love, Drs Judy and Jim Sellner suggest that it’s possible for a relationship to progress through six distinct stages.

They are also quick to point out that not every relationship will survive to reach the sixth and ultimate stage. In fact, they point out that most relationships will not make it to the sixth stage. According to these authors, most relationships will fail well before having any real chance of reaching such an enviable stage. It takes a special relationship to make it to the sixth stage.

The authors maintain that most relationships will fail to make it through the Power Struggle stage. In order to successfully survive the Power Struggle stage, there are a number of issues that a couple has to deal with. If the couple does happen to make through all five stages of love and into the sixth stage, they then ultimately serve as an example to other couples of how a relationship should develop and unfold. Chapter thirty-five focuses on how relationships change in each of the individual stages. This chapter also contains a list and discussion of nine of the most common causes of a power struggle.

The more effort you invest in your relationship, the more you will want to stay committed to it.

According to the actor Ricardo Montalban:

 “True love doesn’t happen right away; it’s an ever-growing process. It develops after you’ve gone through many ups and downs, when you’ve suffered together, cried together, and laughed together.”

The label I came up with to describe and define the long-term effort each partner puts into their relationships in order to keep them healthy and strong I call Invested Effort. This type of effort has a cumulative effect on a relationship and thus, it tends to occur over a longer period of time. The partners who sweat together; who make a concerted effort to stay in the relationship; who stick together during the struggles involved with staying committed to each other come to view their relationship as a long term investment.

In most of these cases the partners have had to earn their romantic bond on a constant basis. Despite how bumpy their relationship become, couples who struggle on a regular basis -and manage to stay together- come to feel that they have put too much effort into it to let it fade or die out completely. Invested Effort acts as the main catalyst to a relationship’s longevity. Chapter thirty-six has much more to say about the dynamics of Invested Effort.

Pornography’s easy accessibility can turn individuals into kinky sex addicts.

Pornography (porn) is defined as any material that is intended to produce sexual arousal. That is, when a person reads or views it, they get turned on sexually. Most porn is produced with the goal of sparking a sexual act to take place. In most cases, the sex act associated with porn consumption is a solo sex act: the porn consumer masturbates. With such easy access to the Internet, porn is very easy to locate and make use of. There are X-rated websites (such as Porn Hub) that function a lot like YouTube, but are exclusively for porn consumption.

The easy availability of porn can have devastating consequences not only on an individual consumer, but also on their romantic relationships. Then again, porn also has some potential to help people overcome issues related to their sex lives. Chapter thirty-seven will take a deep look (no pun intended) into the effect porn may have on individuals and then on their relationships.

GETTING OUT: Surviving A Breakup.

The section of the book focuses on the various phenomena associated with a breakup. It includes chapters on issues related to getting out of a relationship. My goal in this section is to help readers understand the social dynamics that are involved with the process of getting out of a relationship. These chapters present information on how to successfully survive a breakup and ultimately reach closure.

Most people follow the Indiana Jones model when it comes to getting through a breakup; they make it up as they go. However, making it up as you go through a breakup isn’t a good way to get through one if you want to experience the least amount of emotional pain as possible. A person has to know what to do as they attempt to navigate through such a brutal process.

Taken together, the chapters in this section of the book have two missions. First, they will help readers understand how a breakup unfolds. Second, the chapters will also provide readers with a road map of the breakup phenomenon so that they will better understand how much progress they’ve made during such a confusing and painful process. And, readers undergoing a breakup will also be able to see how far they have to go to reach closure and thus put the entire breakup in the rearview mirror.

How many phases does a breakup progress through?

Chapter thirty-eight analyzes the three phases of a breakup. It shows how each distinct phase is defined by what is happening in it. That is, the chapter illustrates what happens during the breakup stage, beginning with the initial shock and denial to eventual closure.

Phase One of the breakup process is primarily focused on the past. It starts off with a healthy dose of denial. The person in this phase refuses to admit that the relationship is broken beyond repair. Thus, during this first phase, the victim of the breakup focuses all of their energy on winning back their partner’s love. All of their actions are defined by their quest to restore the broken relationship back to its former glory.

Phase Two of the breakup process is a sort of emotional purgatory. That is, this second phase usually means that a person suffering through one has one leg in the past and the other in the future. They are slowly coming to terms with the fact that they may not be able to revive the broken relationship. With that thought slowly creeping into their brain, they start to realize that they will have to let go of their hope of any relationship reconciliation.

Phase Three of the breakup process is defined by the fact that the victim is no longer embracing the identity that comes with feeling like a casualty of love. When a person reaches this last phase, their heart has caught up to their head. In fact, many former victims experience a feeling of victory and accomplishment. They often get over-confident and end up pushing the fact that they survived the breakup in their former partner’s face. The lyrics to Gloria Gaynor’s song “I Will Survive” are a good example of the confidence often gained from a former victim successfully reaching closure and moving on. Often times a person who reaches closure will comment, “What the heck did I ever see in them?”

Is it possible to avoid hurting during a breakup?

No, it is not possible to completely avoid the emotional pain inherent with breakup. A victim of a breakup simply cannot avoid it. So don’t think that you or anyone you know has a secret plan that will allow anyone to avoid the pain and suffering associated with enduring a breakup. Honestly, the only way to survive a breakup is to undergo the pain associated with it. So grit your teeth and prepare to pay the piper.

In chapter thirty-nine, I will suggest that you look at a breakup as though it was a court-imposed sentence that you must serve. Victims of a breakup should mentally prepare to serve their “breakup sentence.” I realize this suggestion may sound harsh, but the sooner a person accepts the reality of the breakup, and thus begins to “serve their time,” the sooner it will all be over.

Does it matter who initiates the breakup?

Chapter forty takes a look at the difference between the person in the relationship who initiates the breakup versus the one who gets broken up with. According to Diane Vaughn, the author of the book Uncoupling, there are two labels for people going through a breakup. She labels the person who initiates the breakup as the Initiator. Vaughn labels the person who is getting broken up with as the Partner. Unlike Vaughn, I prefer to use the term “victim” (or breakup victim) for the person who is on the receiving end of a breakup. I think using her label “partner” is too vague and can easily be confused with the generic term partner. Although these labels can have other meaning in other contexts, here they are used to illustrate her point that there is a big difference in the social dynamics between the person who initiates the breakup and the person who gets broken up with. Simply put, Initiators “give the boot” while Partners (hereafter “Victims”) “get the boot.” According to Vaughn, after the initial breakup, the power tends to favor the Initiator.

Who do breakup victims rely on to help them get through a breakup?

During a breakup, you will likely rely on someone to help get you through it. Diane Vaughn labels the person serving in this important role as the transition person. This is the person who will assist a breakup victim through the transition from the initial deed to becoming a successful breakup survivor. 

As you will learn in chapter forty-one, an effective transition person is indeed worth their weight in gold. They are an invaluable part of the breakup process. They serve as the firm rock you will lean on during your inherently trying experience. This person will stand at your side looking out for you and your best interests. The transition person is part sage, part drill sergeant, and part speaker of the truth. Serving in this role, the transition person will “have your back” during the breakup.

How should a person measure their progress during a breakup?

During the countless times that I’ve assisted people struggling through a breakup, I’ve noticed one common misconception made by nearly all of them. During the early part of the breakup, they had all made an effort to entirely avoid their ex-partner (hereafter their “ex”). But eventually, most of them gave into the temptation to contact their ex. Some even looked for any possible reason to contact their ex. However, after these people had initiated contact and then interacted with their ex, they felt that by giving into temptation, that they had let themselves down. Although these people didn’t realize it, most of the time this feeling of failure was unwarranted. Ask your self, what constitutes “progress” during a breakup? Chapter forty-two will provide you with more insights into how to measure “progress” during a breakup. Most of the time, people are making more progress than they realize.

After a breakup, how might dating as many people as possible backfire on someone?  

Some say that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new. I hear many people talk about using this type of approach when they are going through a breakup. Conventional wisdom often holds that after a person gets broken up with, they should go on dates with as many other people as possible. These types reason that this new dating activity will help them forget about the person they broke up with. Dating an abundance of other people, however, may instead have the opposite effect. That is, the more people someone is able to attract and date, the starker the contrast becomes between those they can attract and that one that they can no longer catch the attention of. Chapter forty-three offers some insights on how this process normally unfolds. It also warns against resorting to this tactic.

What tends to happen when a person lets their guard down during a breakup?

During a breakup, your head will be on a swivel. That is, you will be hypersensitive to the possibility of accidentally running into your ex. You will quickly notice how many cars or trucks are on the streets that are the same make, model and color as the vehicle your ex drives. Every time you spot one of these similar-looking vehicles, your blood pressure will spike as you entertain the possibility that it may in fact be your ex. But if this happens to you, don’t worry; this is totally normal. The likelihood of accidentally encountering your ex is low as long as you’re trying to actively avoid them. However, it is when you let your guard down for even a moment that you are most likely to run into your ex. Thus, my advice is to avoid letting your guard down until you reach Phase Three. I know this logic may not appear to be a scientifically sound way to approach a breakup, but somehow this is just the way the world works. Chapter forty-four includes three short stories about how this affected someone during each of the three phases of their breakup.

What is it advisable for you to keep an open mind during the breakup process?

In chapter forty-five, I suggest that while suffering through a breakup, you should be prepared to deal with any unexpected or unforeseen events that may present themselves. You’re probably asking yourself, how can anyone be prepared to deal with any unexpected social phenomenon? After all, if something is unexpected, then by definition no plans can be prepared for any such contingency. Quite simply, they cannot. Preparing for an event that one has no clue is coming wouldn’t fit under the rubric of the “unexpected.” What I mean by this is that no matter how much a person undergoing a breakup plans and prepares for any type of hypothetical possibility that involves interacting with their ex, somewhere, somehow, something related to their breakup is going to catch them off guard. My advice, then, is to always be prepared for the unexpected. That is, keep an open mind about what may happen to catch you off guard during a breakup.

Is it true that men and women operate on different sheets of music during a breakup?

Chapter forty-six will discuss the reasons why men and women mostly operate on “different sheets of music” when undergoing a breakup. Because of men’s and women’s dissimilar socialization processes, they often have different points of view on the same “reality.”

Females tend to have an advantage when it comes to surviving a breakup. Males are taught to be tough and avoid showing their emotions. Thus, they often turn inward and display a tough exterior during any rough patches they may experience in their relationships. But because of this tactic, during a breakup, they often lag behind women in successfully reaching closure.

In our society, in most areas of social interaction, females are allowed to express their emotions. It is just part of being a female. However, since this is the case, when it comes to enduring a breakup, women are often better-prepared to deal with their emotions than their male counterparts. After all, they have always been encouraged to express and even talk about their emotions with their friends and family. Males on the other hand, may actually be novices at handling their emotions, and thus may have difficulty dealing with them during such an emotionally-charged event such as a breakup.

Why is it that the more time that goes by after a breakup, the more people tend to remember only the good aspects of their broken relationship?

In chapter forty-seven, we will examine two relatively unknown processes associated with a breakup. The first is the Revisionist Romance Disorder or R.R.D. After a breakup, the more time that goes by, the more a person undergoing it tends to remember only the positive aspects of their past relationship. If this goes on long enough, the person experiencing R.R.D. will likely convince themselves that they made a huge mistake in either initiating, or going along with the breakup. Thus, no matter how dysfunctional their relationship was, they will be tempted to make an effort to reconcile with their ex.

The other little known phenomenon that affects a person undergoing a breakup is called Dumper’s Remorse. This process involves a person mentally changing the context of the reasons for their separation. People experiencing Dumper’s Remorse tend to convince themselves that perhaps they had it all wrong. And thus, they end up convincing themselves that they may have just unintentionally broken up with their one and only soul mate.

These two aspects of broken relationships are related to one another. In other words, someone experiencing R.R.D. may start to feel the effects of Dumper’s Remorse.

FAIR WARNING

“These relationship forces act upon everyone equally.”

Before we conclude this introduction section of the book, I must warn you about something: just because you learn about the forces that affect relationships, such knowledge doesn’t make you immune to how they function. These forces are unbiased and don’t discriminate. They don’t care if you’re smart or dumb; cute or ugly; rich or poor; tall or short; gay or straight; etc. These relationship forces act upon everyone equally.

Keep in mind that even though you may become aware of these social psychological forces, they will still affect you as they would anyone else. In other words, possessing knowledge about how relationships function offers you no special immunity to their effects. Think about it like this: just because you are aware of how a virus affects a person, such knowledge doesn’t necessarily offer that knowledgeable person any immunity to said virus. Knowledge by itself is not the “be-all, know all” panacea one may expect it to be. Knowledge is only that: knowledge. What a person does with such knowledge is the key to success when it comes to relationships.

During the years when I taught college-level courses on relationships, toward the end of the semester, a student would invariably come up to me and ask me in an accusatory manner, “How come you didn’t tell me these forces work on me too?” As I mentioned above, just because you know about a virus that causes a disease, such knowledge doesn’t make you immune to the disease itself. Again, I’m explicitly telling you: the things we discuss in this book will affect you they way they everyone else despite your knowledge of them. So be careful.

I hope this introduction chapter has given you a proper overview of how relationships function. Each of the points brought up in this introductory chapter will be discussed at length in the subsequent chapters of this book. I congratulate you on taking your first step to learning how relationships actually function. The rest of the information in this book will no doubt change how you look at, and act, in your current or future relationships. Good job staying with the task at hand. I promise that your efforts will be richly rewarded as you read through the rest of the book.

The First Day of Class: Helping Students Change Their Minds from Day One.

For most of my career as a professor, I taught courses with large enrollments. Keep in mind; I felt it was my responsibility to teach my students about how human relationships actually functioned. Luckily, I had some tools in my teaching toolbox that would facilitate this task. One thing was for certain: I would have to challenge my students’ conventional and often politically-correct ways of thinking from the minute we started interacting. But I had a plan to help me achieve this goal.

f you let the numbers get to you, teaching large enrollment courses can be intimidating. My first department chair taught me a tactic that would allow me to avoid this scary feeling. She taught me to begin the semester by first “tricking” the students; preferably on the first day of class.

Such a trick, my boss said, would take the pressure off of me, and put it squarely onto my students. According to her logic, if I tricked the students, it would make them feel self-conscious about what was happening in class, as opposed to me, the instructor, feeling self-conscious about having to speak in front of such a large audience.

As she was telling me about this technique, she definitely had my full attention. At the time, I was a novice college instructor. Thus, any counsel this sharp lady could provide me about teaching college courses, I surely welcomed.

Another reason that I would play this trick on such a large class was because in such a sea of anonymity, the students might get tempted to let their minds wander. The one thing that I couldn’t afford to do was let the students’ minds drift away from the lectures. There was too much at stake. Sitting in that large classroom were 500 potential sociology recruits.

If I was going to get students to join the ranks of us sociologists, I had to find a way to grab their attention from the minute we first interacted. After getting their attention, I then had to keep it. I would do this by keeping the learning environment interesting.

After carrying out these initial tasks, it was then time to teach the students how to think with an open mind. My goal wasn’t to teach my students what to think. My goal was to teach my students how to think for themselves. Not to mention that I would have to do this for every single lecture. As I saw it, I definitely had my work cut out for me.

The plan I devised for immediately grabbing my students’ attention went something like this. On the first day of class, I would sit among the students waiting for the class to start. My costume for this planned interaction was an outfit that any average student would wear to class. I would wait patiently for students to start filling the cavernous lecture hall.

As the classroom began to fill up, I would already be seated at a desk in the middle of the out-sized classroom. As I was sitting amongst the students, I would wait until a student got up to leave the classroom. This, on average, took about ten to fifteen minutes after the time the class period was supposed to start.

When a student did eventually get up to leave, I would stand up, and in a commanding voice, I would ask them why they were leaving class early. Not realizing that I was actually the instructor, the student I confronted would normally tell me that the professor must not be going to show up for class.

I would counter by asking the student, “Who said the professor isn’t here in class?” The student would then tell me, “Well, I don’t see any professor here in the room. So I thought I’d come back for the next class and see if they show up.” The now confused student would get a puzzled look on their face and they would sit back down and see what would happen next. 

At this point, I would not tell the students who I was. Instead, I would sit back down and observe how they would process and define what they had just witnessed.

The students in the class weren’t sure of what to make of this unfolding situation. Before too long, the tension in the classroom would quickly grow. At that moment, you could have cut the tension with a knife.

As the tension in the classroom rose to a crescendo, I would stand up, and again, in a commanding voice, I would ask the students to stop chatting and to listen to what I was about to ask them. I would ask if anyone in the class knew who I was. No student ever knew who I was. At that point in our interaction, I would disclose my true identity.

“Welcome to such-and-such course. My name is Dr Padilla, and I will serve as the instructor of this course.” As soon as those words came out of my mouth, the chatter in the room would grow louder as students expressed a nervous restlessness. The students’ puzzled faces would now trace my every move. At this point, I knew that I still had one more task to complete: I needed to play one more trick on them.

Next, I would ask the students whether any of them would volunteer to make a bet with me. A few students who weren’t afraid to talk in such a large class would inevitably raise their hands. I then chose one of the brave volunteers to play the next trick on.

Then I would ask the volunteer student what color their shirt was. (Let’s just say it was red for this example). “It’s red,” they would say with a confident attitude; as though the answer to such a question was so obvious that it was silly to have even asked it. In order to add some uncertainty to the situation, I then asked the volunteer if they were willing to bet their course grade on their answer. 

At first these volunteers were more than willing to accept such a bet. More often than not, a look of confidence came over them. To the student, it appeared as though such a bet was going to be like taking candy from a baby. But then it quickly began to dawn on them; this simple bet seemed too good to be true; and you know what they say about things that seem too good to be true.

At this point in the interaction, the volunteer would begin to get suspicious about what was actually going on. Their overall attitude would tell me that they thought they may have accepted a potentially losing bet. Then I would ask the class if any other student was willing to make the same bet. I never got any other students to do so. Most of the students just wanted to sit out the bet and observe what outcome would befall the brave volunteer.

Knowing that the volunteer was now starting to get suspicious about the terms of the bet, I would propose to have the class be the judge of the correctness of their answer. This suggestion would relieve the pressure the volunteer was no doubt feeling. They would now be thinking that with the rest of the class acting as the arbitrator between the bettors, they could feel comfortable making the bet.

With that agreement in mind, their sense of confidence would return. I could see it in their facial expressions and body language. With their renewed confidence in winning the bet, they would wholeheartedly agree to abide by the classes’ decision as to who would ultimately win the bet. Unfortunately for them, the trap has been set.

Next, I would ask if any of the students had taken a basic physics course. Of course there were always a number of students who had taken such a class during high school. As you might expect, there are about ten students who raise their hands, indicating that they fit this criteria. I then ask if any of these students would like to explain to the class how light functions as it leaves its source.

The new student volunteer would explain that as light leaves its source, it is all colors, yet it appears as white light. They then would goes on to explain that humans only see color light if the white light first passes through some sort of prism that separates out the various colors. Think of the album cover for Pink Floyd’s, The Dark Side of the Moon. That album cover visually illustrates the process.

The student doing the explaining goes on to explain that the reason humans see a red shirt is because the fabric it’s made from can absorb every color in the spectrum except red. Therefore, the red light in the spectrum is not absorbed by the shirt’s fabric and is instead reflected away from it. It is this reflected red light that the human eye can detect. It is because of this process that a human eye “sees” only the red light wave; or in this case, the red shirt. So technically, the “red” shirt is actually every color but red.*

By this time, the student who accepted the bet begins to see the writing on the wall. That is, that they are about to lose the bet on a technicality. In all fairness, I did ask the class to be the judge and to decide who would be the winner of the bet. But now armed with this information about how light waves function, the students always declared me to be the winner of the bet.

After going through this process, I would tell the class that studying people and society (and relationships) is like viewing a “red” shirt. I make sure that to tell the class that the volunteer probably felt confident about what they were betting on; at least at first. Then I remind the students that when they are interacting with people, what they see is not always happening because of the reason they may have always assumed. 

I remind them that when dealing with social phenomena such as human interaction (like in romantic relationships), “things” weren’t always as they appear on the surface. With their minds screaming for some grounding, I let the students know that to be successful in my course, they would need to keep an open mind.

Ultimately, this clever technique caused the students to feel self-conscious from the first day of class. It would be that self-consciousness feeling that would keep their minds focused on what was going on in class. For the remainder of the class meetings, students had no clue what “trick” I may play on them at any given moment, or when they may be called upon to talk in such a large class. For this reason, not many minds wandered away from the class discussions.

From the first day of class until the course final exam, student attendance and participation in class discussions were phenomenal. In fact, we normally had daily visitors. So many so that class got shut down a couple of times by the fire Marshal for having too many students sitting in the aisles. There were also several hundred students on the course waiting list.

Because of the fact that you are not enrolled in one of my courses, I don’t have the opportunity to try to trick you into paying attention to the material presented in the pages of this book. Instead, I will keep your mind from wondering while you’re reading this book by making sure that the information it offers is relevant, interesting and most of all, useful. I’m confident that each chapter will prove to be all of these. Every one of the chapters will provide readers with useful information that will help them better understand how relationships function.

Below is the book’s TABLE OF CONTENTS page. You can use it to easily navigate the book content by clicking on each chapter hyperlink. Sections are denoted with Roman numerals. Book chapters are denoted by regular numbers.