Chapter 3: [Key #3] Why We Fall In Love: The Politically Correct Assumptions
“If she were my girl, I would treat her like a queen.”
– Unknown
“The way positive reinforcement is carried out is more important than the amount.”
– B.F. Skinner
From the time we are children, both young boys and young girls learn from different sources about how romantic relationships are supposed to emerge and develop. These social scripts are embedded in young children’s books and age-appropriate television productions. For example, television shows such as Sesame Street depict people of all races and ages generally getting along with others who are from a variety of different racial and ethnic backgrounds.
There are also a plethora of children’s books written to address the subject of how people should get along with one another. Just Google the topic and observe the many pages of relevant book titles on this topic. There are literally thousands of such titles available for children to read.
These politically correct titles have one theme in common: if you want to get along with others, you must be able to demonstrate empathy and sympathy toward them. In theory, this message sounds like a great suggestion. But does this politically-correct advice actually match how human relationships always work out in the real world?
Ideas such as these, that suggest how we are supposed to get along with others, are embedded in our politically correct culture. So when little boys and girls grow up, some of these ideas stay with them as they reach adulthood.
This is especially true with females. Eventually little girls become grown women. And when they reach adulthood, many of them still tend to believe in the idea that men and women will get along in the same manner as they’ve been led to believe in the fairy tales. The kind that led them to believe that when men and women seriously love one another, that they can live “happily ever after.”
Thus, as full-grown adults, these women still tend to believe in the idea that romance should be something that is always passionate and enjoyable. The problem with this type of thinking is that real-life has a way of trampling on the idea that life with a partner can always be romantic and completely enjoyable. We will examine this idea in more detail as we delve further into the idea of how romance will play out in people’s real-life relationships.
One thing we know is that generally, we like people who we enjoy being around. When people are allowed to “do their thing,” they tend to enjoy life. Not many people like to be told what to do. Nor do they like to be told that they are doing something wrong. When people encounter these behaviors, they tend to get upset. When people are upset, life doesn’t seem so enjoyable. These assumptions play a significant role in how people experience their relationships.
My brother had a girlfriend who was so controlling and grouchy that he once quipped, “My girlfriend is so crabby that the devil goes as her for Halloween.” I’m sure you would agree that most people enjoy being around those who let us be the person that we were meant to be.
The above assumptions are at the core of one of the leading theories on why we become attracted to one another. According to proponents of The Reinforcement-Affect Theory, people tend to like those that reward them. These theorists thus believe that letting someone be who they really are is in itself a reward.
On the other hand, people normally don’t like to be around people who are cranky, whiny, bossy, rude, controlling or acting in a manner they find unpleasant. In conventional thinking, normally having to endure unpleasant behavior is not very rewarding. In academic jargon, such disagreeable behavior is not reinforcing; that is, it isn’t “nice.”
Proponents of The Reinforcement-Affect Theory advise people wanting others to like them to act in a reinforcing manner towards such others. Simply put, these theorists advise people to treat them “nice.” A leading text book on interpersonal communication went as far as to suggest that if you want to be liked, then you should act reinforcing. Quoting the text book verbatim, it suggests that if you want to be liked, then you should “Say nice things, do nice things.”
On the surface, that suggestion appears to be sound, logical advice. Yet, then how do the adherents of such a theory explain attraction when it’s to persons who “Say bad things, and do bad things?” Those proponents of The Reinforcement-Affect Theory are at a complete loss to explain how such seemingly undesirable behavior leads to attraction. We will explain this phenomenon in the next chapter. For now, let’s keep the focus on why the politically correct types advise people to act nice towards those they are attracted to.
Unfortunately, people who “Say bad things; do bad things” are potentially half of the general population. If our analysis of relationships is going to be accurate and thus useful, then it certainly can’t leave out such a large chunk of the population to view as potential relationship partners; and it won’t. In fact, our discussion on how relationships really function will definitely include such “not nice” types.
Just think about how pop culture defines and portrays examples of romantic relationships (especially in Christmas-themed shows). According to this politically-correct formula, falling in love and courting almost always follows the same predictable emotional heart-string pulling sequence.
First, an individual gets a crush on somebody who is either popular or cute; or both. Next, the person experiencing the crush finds a way to meet the person who has caught their romantic eye. The friends and family of the pursuer end up learning learning about this budding crush. These friends and family then help come up with ideas about how to turn the growing romantic interest into some type of bona fide passionate relationship.
In real life, the falling in love often happens the following way. During the early stages of a new relationship, the pursuer (and perhaps the pursued) starts things off by putting their best romantic foot forward. They act polite and smile a lot. Many times the pursuer will even start to spend money they don’t have on their new love interest. At times, the two individuals caught up in the thrill of the new relationship will even start to ignore their friends and family; focusing most of their energies on each other.
Another phenomenon associated with people who are in new relationships is the tendency to want to learn all they can about their latest partner. The partners may talk for hours on end in order to learn about each of their respective lives. They each will inquire about the other’s job; education; social interests; sports interests etc. This is an enjoyable time of any new relationship. Under these conditions, each of the new partners feels like they are on a fresh and exciting romantic adventure.
During this early stage, each of the partners will take time to shower, to brush their teeth, to wear their best clothes, in an effort to look their best for their new partner. This early stage in a relationship often makes the partners drunk with emotions as they envision this period lasting into the foreseeable future.
Another enjoyable aspect of this beginning stage is the physical contact these partners most likely enjoy with one another. Sex between the partners in this stage is almost always very pleasurable because of the newly emerging emotional aspect of the relationship. With all of this passion, the partners can’t keep their hands off of one another.
In short, at this stage, both partners are putting their best sexual foot forward. The kinky Christian Grey in each of them may lay dormant as each of the sex partners treads somewhat lightly in an effort not to scare off their new lover and ruin the fun and excitement. Also, both partners may be willing to perform sexual acts they save for special moments such as these.
During college, I had a very young and very attractive female friend of mine who was going through this early romantic stage with a fraternity hunk she had recently met. My friend’s handsome “frat boy” quickly swept her off of her feet. In fact, it was as if these two were experiencing their new and promising relationship on fast-forward.
Each of these new lovers definitely put their best foot forward in an attempt to not only impress one another, but to do so in order to keep the heat in their whirlwind relationship. Honestly, I couldn’t fault them for acting in such a manner. They were both blinded by love (or lust perhaps).
My female friend kept me updated about the details of their new relationship. She would tell me how good her guy kissed. She filled me in on some of the details of their dates, and how quickly time flew by whenever they spent time together. In fact, by the third month of their relationship, she asked me to meet her new partner. I agreed to attend a party where she knew they would both be in attendance.
Not long after the three of us were at the party, we all ended up in the same room together. It was then that my friend took me over to meet her new boyfriend. He and I exchanged pleasantries and started to engage in small talk. Then out of the blue, my friend, who was tightly holding her guy’s hand, pulled him closer to her and kissed him on the cheek and said, “Pete, Carlos and I have been together now for three months. And you know what; he and I have never fought even once. So now we are planning on getting married. Aren’t you happy for us?”
I didn’t know how to answer my friend’s question. Of course I was happy for the fact that they seemed to get along so well. But this question had certainly put me on the spot.
Because of all the knowledge I had learned about how relationships emerge and develop, I knew immediately that such a decision to marry so soon didn’t sit well with me. Her question threw up more red flags than the Kremlin. After all, if these two had never had a fight, then they had no idea how each of them would act when their emotions were running high.
My friend had obviously become delusional because of her naïve idea about how romance should function in a relationship; especially in a new relationship. All I knew was that I would soon have to have a talk with her. It would be my duty as her friend to be the one to bust her rosy romantic bubble.
These two love addicts had no idea that the inevitable relationship power struggle would eventually take place. At the time, I bit my tongue and politely gave them the positive thumbs up they felt they deserved. But I knew that I would have to have that talk with her as soon as possible before she did something crazy.
As it turned out, I never had to have “the talk” with her about rushing into marriage. My friend’s relationship didn’t end up lasting very long. Soon after meeting her new boyfriend, they got into a tiff about some trivial matter. The ensuing fight caused them to both experience some negative emotions that popped the unstable romantic bubble they had created for themselves. The lesson I learned from their unfortunate experience was that the main assumption of The Reinforcement-Affect Theory about, “Saying nice things; doing nice things” seemed to have only a limited shelf-life.
I’m convinced that The Reinforcement-Affect Theory is an example of how elements of our politically-correct culture have influenced our supposedly value-free scientific research. Think about it, what academic author would dare publish anything that suggested that “not-nice behaviors” can cause attraction? These days it just isn’t politically-correct to suggest such a depressing idea. And doing so would be very risky to any such person’s social image and perhaps even their career.
Read the following words carefully: I am explicitly making such an assertion that some individuals are attracted to the type of people who “Say bad things; do bad things.” Since all social action tends to exist on both sides of a bell curve continuum, it only follows to reason that both “nice” and “not-so-nice” types of behaviors are potentially attractive. So there are many people who become attracted to jerks. There, I said it.
It pains me to say it, and believe me I wish it wasn’t the case. Nonetheless, a lot of people are attracted to, and stay attracted to non-reinforcing jerks. The beauty of Georg Simmel’s logic about what makes anything valuable is that it can explain why both types of individuals are attractive to some people. We will discuss Simmel’s theory in the next chapter on why people really fall in love.
Simmel’s theory challenges the one-dimensional logic of The Reinforcement-Affect Theory. Although it’s politically incorrect to discuss this type of seemingly unpleasant behavior, it must be acknowledged and incorporated into any model purporting to fully explain why people become attracted to one another.
Sometimes mistreatment is perceived as a reward to some people. These types are attracted to a person who poses a challenge. In these cases, the challenge is to see if they can change someone from bad to good. Their thinking often goes something like this, “Others may not be able to change such-and-such person, but they will surely change for me.”
This is especially true for the better-looking individuals. And I don’t have to tell you that there are plenty of beautiful individuals who are attracted to jerks. Most of you can think of someone you know who is or was attracted to a jerk. It may have even been you at one time.
Critique of the Reinforcement-Affect Theory
Potential Attractiveness Traits Lay on Both Sides of the Curve
The preceding discussion challenges some of the face validity of one of the leading theories on relationships. As I said above, The Reinforcement- Affect Theory states that in order to be seen or perceived as attractive to someone else, one should “Say nice things; do nice things.”
Many people believe in this type of logic when they say things like, “If she were my girl, I would treat her like a queen.” For many males, being a gentleman means just that, being a male who is gentle.
Despite the seemingly sound logic behind treating someone “nice” in order to attract them, it turns out that the most attractive individuals tend to be the ones who are “hard to get.” Yet they are not “impossible to get.”
I want to mention at this point in our discussion that romance novels are flying off the shelves of brick-and-mortar book stores. They also represent one of the most lucrative niche markets on the Internet. In fact, the sales of romance novels accounted for 18% of adult fiction unit sales in the 12 months ending March 2021, making it the second most popular fiction genre overall -second only to general adult fiction- which accounted for 30% of adult fiction sales in the same time frame.
Thus, these books that portray romantic relationships in a positive light are certainly a factor that contributes to why many women think that their real-life romantic relationships need to measure up to these fictional accounts. After all, these romance novels don’t usually depict relationships as involving any type of power struggle that can throw a wrench in the romantic spirit of a day-to-day relationship.
I promise you that this book will take a dedicated look at why individuals become attracted to people that they probably shouldn’t be drawn to. After all, many relationships that are founded on such “nice” behaviors tend not to work out in the long run. Yet many relationships that are full of drama and conflict emerge and last for long periods of time.
Before we conclude this chapter, let me be clear about the point I am making here. I’m not suggesting that anyone should act in an abusive manner toward anybody else. Nor am I stating that I praise abusive behavior. I don’t. But then again I don’t control the social forces that define and drive social life. But the truth is that a lot of people become attracted to jerks. That being said, we need to keep that possibility in mind if we want to have a clear understanding of what makes people become attracted to one another. After all, jerks make up at least half of the earth’s population. In the next chapter, we will examine what really makes people fall in love.
Takeaway points:
– Since the time we are children, we learn that we should show our respect for other people by treating them nice.
– That politically-correct assumption tends to permeate our basic culture.
– The assumption has also made its way into academic research.
– The Reinforcement-Affect Theory assumes that people become attracted to those who “Say nice things; do nice things.”
– However, although it’s the leading theory on attraction,, it is at a loss to explain why so many people become attracted to the types who “Say bad things; do bad things.”
– According to the laws of statistical probability, most social behaviors fall along a bell curve.
– In our quest to truly understand how relationships function, we will assume that both types of behavior elicit attraction (“nice” and “not-nice”).
– With that fact in mind, this means that people who are “not-nice” constitute half of all potential relationships partners.
