“Dating is different when you get older. You’re not as trusting, or as eager to get back out there and expose yourself to someone.”
– Toni Braxton
“Age doesn’t protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.”
– Anais Nin
“No one is too young for love because love doesn’t come from your mind, which knows your age, but from the heart, which knows no age.”
– Unknown
During my middle-age years, I dated a significantly younger woman than me. At the time, I was 41 years old, and she was 20 years old. As a result of our age difference, many people expressed their misgivings about our relationship. In fact, many of her relatives flat out refused to meet me. Others did end up meeting me, but did so only reluctantly. Some of my own family members also had some reservations about such a dating arrangement. But the more my girlfriend and I experienced such doubts about our relationship, the more determined we were to prove the detractors wrong.
My reasoning about getting into such a relationship with her was simple. First, I enjoyed being active. I wasn’t a couch potato like many ends of my age. Younger people have energy and can “keep up” with an active lifestyle. Second, I figured that if a woman was old enough to be inducted into the military, and thus handle the responsibility for carrying a machinegun into battle, then she was probably old enough to choose the man who she felt would make a good boyfriend. Third, this woman seemed to be mature for her age. She had already had traveled extensively. She was well-read, and had already been accepted into a graduate program to pursue her Masters Degree. So in my mind, the age difference between us was “only a number.” Boy was I mistaken; age does matter.
I had grown up with a mother who I witnessed struggle with the gender roles of her lifetime. I saw firsthand how she was discriminated against because she was a woman. This discrimination happened at her job, at our church, at her bank, and pretty much at any established institution that existed at the time.
My mom divorced my dad during the early 1970’s. This event happened to her, not because of her. My dad cheated on her with one of his coworkers. As a result of this, I saw how her whole life was turned upside down because of that divorce. While growing up with her, I witnessed some other instances of gender discrimination leveled against her.
Because of these experiences, my mom tried to teach her three sons to respect women, and to take them seriously. At a time when there were many blatant, as well as “hidden” examples of sexism, my mom taught all of her children to be aware of such unfair practices. And lastly, she also taught all of them not engage in such unjust behaviors.
Despite my mom’s uphill battles, my mom still managed to build her own successful real estate company. And as you might have guessed, she encountered gender discrimination while doing this. I witnessed this one day when I went with her to buy a new truck. The male sales persons ignored my mom for two whole hours before asked her if she needed help. Meanwhile, all of the male customers had been attended to.
During my childhood, I grew up with two sisters who were close to me in age. I also saw how they were treated by the guys in the neighborhood. During our time growing up, I also saw how they were treated in “society.” Thus, because of my upbringing and these experiences, I was keenly aware of how women were treated differently than men.
Because of how my mom socialized me, and because of my own personal experiences, I “knew better” when it came to how I should treat women. In short, I was a bona fide feminist, and always tried to treat women with respect. I differentiate a feminist from a “feminazi”- there is a difference. My mom always taught us that she was an advocate for equitable rights for women, but wasn’t necessarily for “special rights” for them. In short, my mom taught her kids that women should have the same rights as men: nothing more, or nothing less.
I supposed because of the way my mom socialized me, I became a bit of a social rebel when it came to how society expected people to behave. And as a result of such thinking, I never quite “fit” into society and was pretty much marginalized from the mainstream. But from the margins, I could see how people acted. From the margins, I could see why people acted the way they did.
The problem was that sometimes I didn’t quite understand WHY these social recipes existed. For example, I always asked myself why girls couldn’t play on any of my sports teams. After all, I had two sisters who were both superb athletes. They were significantly better athletes than I was. Yet, they were forbidden from playing on any of my formal school sports teams. I was a pretty talented athlete, but I was nowhere near as talented an athlete as my sisters were. Yet neither of them was allowed to play on any of the organized school sports teams.
My older sister eventually became a walk-on short stop for the CSU Rams softball team. She ended up being a Conference All Star (short stop). This sister also ended up serving as an assistant coach for ASU softball team under Linda Wells (who was tapped to coach Team USA Olympic Softball).
After graduating from ASU with her Masters Degree, she went on to play professional football in the women’s league for the Arizona Titans and then later played for the Arizona Nighthawks. My older sister went on to serve as the sports director for Fort McDowell Native American reservation near Phoenix, Arizona.
My younger sister also turned out to be a superb athlete. She was a walk-on softball player for the Metro-State College of Denver Roadrunners. She played as a very talented short-stop for “Metro” during her years as a student at MSCD. After that, she was hired as an accountant by the US Government. Today she serves as the technical assistant to the IRS’s regional director.
The purpose for me sharing these stories with you is to drive home the fact that I grew up around three very strong, competent, and confident women. Because of this, I didn’t view women as the weaker sex that needed to be managed and looked after to make sure they weren’t being taken advantage of. In fact, I grew up believing that women could take care of themselves; sometimes even better than a man could. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that women wouldn’t sometimes struggle with society’s expectations, but I never believed that women were any less capable than were their male counterparts.
So when a younger woman approached me and wanted to date me, I wasn’t immediately put off by her age. After getting to know her, I discovered that this younger woman had done some amazing things in her young life. So when she proposed becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, I was OK with that.
Her parents, on the other hand, had a huge problem with such a proposition. They hadn’t gotten to know me, but based solely on my age, they were adamant that such a paring was a bad idea.
I didn’t care what anyone thought about this woman, and we starting to date. We had a number of things in common, and I felt that we made a good couple. What it boiled down to was that I thought her experience had trumped her age, and I was okay with pursuing a relationship with her.
The rest of “society” wasn’t quite so understanding. Most people who knew us expressed some sort of reservation about us becoming a couple. Her extended family was so put off by our decision to date that they refused to even meet me. My friends and family also expressed some similar sentiments.
But like I said earlier, if this woman could be inducted into the military to carry a machine gun into battle, then she should be responsible enough to chose who she wanted to date. In theory, I had a case. But in real life, I was sorely mistaken.
As our relationship progressed, I would discover some of the concerns that some of the people who were against us dating had probably felt. For example, this young woman was midway into her undergraduate degree. I, on the other hand, had already graduated with my Ph.D.
Shortly after we began dating, my young girlfriend purchased a brand new SUV. I, on the other hand, had already purchased a number of new vehicles. So when it came to acting excited about her purchasing her brand new SUV, I had a hard time acting excited about what I felt at the time was a routine activity.
Another example of such a difference in life experience happened when I bought a new house. When we were moving into this new house, my girlfriend asked me, “When I graduate with my Ph.D., where are we going to move to when I get my first new job?”
This comment took me by surprise. I had never even thought about our future in those terms. I just took it for granted that my degree and job took preference. I hadn’t even thought about what we would do in the future when she climbed the academic latter. I have to admit, I had only thought about myself in this way.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I had never given much thought to how her educational aspirations would affect our relationship. I had just assumed that my career was more important and would take precedence. So when she asked me the question about what we would do when she had attained her advanced academic degrees, I was taken aback.
“been there and done that.”
Another related issue was that it was hard for me to get excited about her academic accomplishments when I was two or three academic degrees ahead of her. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about her achieving such success; rather, it was that I had already “been there and done that.” I don’t say this with any degree of sarcasm or condensation toward her, it is just due to the fact that I was two or three steps ahead of her in this regard and it showed in my attitude toward her accomplishments.
As I already mentioned, I didn’t intend to act condescending toward my young girlfriend’s ideas and accomplishments. Yet, without even thinking about it, that is exactly what I did.
So it was at this point in our relationship that I started to understand why our age difference may have a negative effect on how it would play out. Until that point in my life, I hadn’t realized how such events would affect me or our relationship. And truthfully, it was at this time that I started to realize that an extreme age difference could affect a relationship; and it had nothing to do with sex.
Another aspect of our relationship that made me realize we were headed for trouble was how my young girlfriend thought about the difference in our life experiences. Anytime she asked for guidance in any life matter, I was more than willing to give her advice to help her navigate whatever situation she faced. However, whenever I offered her any constructive criticism about something she was doing, she would tell me, “Well, you should have known what you were getting into when you got involved with me. You knew that I was way younger than you.”
This attitude of hers began to wear on me. Basically, whenever she needed “life advice” on her terms, she was quick to follow whatever advice I suggested. However, whenever I got on her about making one type of mistake or another, she would pull the “you should have known better” card.
I didn’t appreciate this attitude of hers, and felt that she wanted to have her cake and to eat it too. If she asked for any advice, she was glad to take it. However, if she screwed up and I told her off, then she would pull the “you should have known better” card.
I didn’t appreciate how when she needed advice, she could ask me for my opinion. But whenever she screwed up, and I got on her for it, she would throw that “you should have known better” card in my face. So, I started to withhold giving her any advice about anything. However, this approach only made our relationship take a dive for the worst.
Not too long after that, our relationship turned south. The writing was on the wall, and I knew where our relationship was headed. Not too long after this, we broke up and went our separate ways.
After my young ex-girlfriend graduated from college, I was glad to see that she was headed for the “real world” where she would have to navigate through it on her own. I knew that she would be entering the “real world” and that it would make her appreciate what I had to offer her during our often tumultuous relationship.
And just as I had predicted, in time, the “real world” taught my ex-girlfriend a lot about how to “do” life. I was glad that she and I had managed to stay friends. And we are still friends to this day. I am proud to say that she has done quite well in the real world. My only regret was that we hadn’t met after she had graduated from college. Perhaps things between us would have turned out differently.
Even today, I often contemplate how my ex-girlfriend and I would have fared had we been closer in age at the time we were dating. I want to think that we would have ended up getting married and having a family.
Somewhere in the back of my head, I realize that any extreme age difference between two relationship partners does matter.
Today she is very successful at her job and is happily married with two young children. I can honestly say that I am proud of her, and try to keep in touch with what is happening in her life. But whenever I start to think about the days when we were in a relationship, all those memories about our age difference rush in to interrupt my thoughts. So, in the end, I am glad that our lives turned out the way they did. Yet, somewhere in the back of my head, I realize that any extreme age difference between two relationship partners does matter.
My Girlfriend Was Just Starting to Go Out and Party: I Wanted to Stay Home and Rest
As I mentioned at the beginning of this chapter, during my middle-age years, I dated a significantly younger woman than me. At the time, I was 41 years old, and she was 20 years old.
When it came to the prospect of us dating, at the time, nothing seemed wrong about such an age difference between us. In fact, she seemed mature for her age. Thus, I wasn’t inclined to be against such a dating arrangement. The only problem was that I wasn’t able to have children. This would eventually become an issue between us. So people suggested that we adopt a child. And I did learned that most women have a desire to have children; but children of their own.
Once my good friends became parents, they seemed to settle down and their kids became their main focus. I just couldn’t relate to having children. I never had any. Hence, my friendships with people who had children would slowly begin to fade.
Eventually, another issue began to rear its head. After I turned forty years old, I could no longer handle the active lifestyle I had taken for granted when I was in my 20’s and 30’s. I distinctly remember going out drinking with a good friend of mine for his fortieth birthday. At the time I was thirty-five years old.
One night on the way to the neighborhood watering hole we frequented, my friend made a comment that I had trouble relating to. He said that although it was a landmark birthday of his, he said that he wanted to “take it easy.” When I asked him what he meant by that, he told me that he just couldn’t handle drinking like he could even a couple years ago.
My friend mentioned that since he had reached age forty, he said that drinking wasn’t that much fun anymore. He ended this particular conversation by telling me that he didn’t enjoy hangovers that lasted, “Into the middle of the week.”
As I was only thirty-five at the time, I just couldn’t relate to what he was talking about. But only a few years later when I turned forty, suddenly what he had been telling me about not enjoying drinking anymore suddenly started to make perfect sense to me. It was at the age of forty that I began to experience hangovers that lasted longer than a day. After I turned forty, after going out drinking, the next morning, I felt like I had the flu. I even began referring to bottles of beer as “The flu in a bottle.” And after I turned forty, I pretty much stopped drinking on a regular basis.
A few years after this, I was watching the movie Couples Retreat with some friends of mine. In the movie, one of the middle-aged characters is dating a very young woman. In one scene, this middle-aged guy’s girlfriend wants to go out partying, and he gives the idea some lip service in order to placate his young girlfriend. However, the middle-aged guys’ friends began teasing him about him wanting to go to bed at 9pm.
During the scene, my brother –who was middle-aged at the time- started commenting about how he wouldn’t mind dating such a young beautiful woman. In an instant, we guys in our group started teasing him about even bringing up such a prospect. One of our friends said to my brother, “She would be all dressed up and ready to party and you would be glued to the couch sound asleep by 9pm!”
Shortly after that was when I began dating that younger woman who was eleven years my junior. I did enjoy living an active lifestyle with her. But I must admit, when it came to going out and drinking, I was on the down slope, while she had just turned twenty-one years old and was just beginning to go out partying and drinking. So when it came to going out, we were headed in two different directions.
Eventually, this combination of our ages and life experience began to tear at our relationship. However, although I had began to slow down when it came to going out partying, I really couldn’t fault her for wanting to do so. I thought that it wouldn’t have been fair to ask her to stop wanting to go out on the weekends. After all, at her age, I had served in the US Army paratroopers, and had attended college during the 1980s. So let’s just say that I had done my share of partying and drinking. In other words, I would have been a hypocrite had I attempted to thwart her partying spirit even before it gotten off the ground.
Eventually, this issue became an issue in our relationship. Often times, I would stay home while she went out with her younger friends. They were happy that I could at least act as their designated driver. I would drive them to and from the place where they wanted to go drinking. This seemed to be a fair compromise; until I saw how she acted when I was sober and she had been drinking.
After a few months of being sober when picking her up, I began to see how she acted when she had been drinking. Perhaps I hadn’t realized that I had also acted in such a manner, so I decided to ask a good friend of mine who used to go out drinking with me. As I suspected, my friend Craig was honest and told me that I had often acted in the same manner about which I was now upset about my girlfriend acting. Thus, I couldn’t really criticize her about how she was acting. However, the more I witnessed such drunken behavior, the more I came to dislike it. Soon after that, I offered to pay for a taxi to take my girlfriend and her friends to go out partying. I also paid for their taxi ride home. I thought this would do the trick. However, I was wrong; this didn’t “do the trick.”
However, I have to say that such an arrangement did not do the trick. I was still put off by the way my girlfriend acted after she return from going out drinking. It wasn’t the morality of the issue that bugged me; it was the stupid things she would say and do when she had been drinking that upset me.
In the long run, our age difference started to wear on the both of us. She began to feel that I was perhaps too old for her liking. She enjoyed going out drinking with her friends and thought it was unfair that I no longer enjoyed drinking. In fact, it was this issue that turned out to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. After seeing her come back home all drunk and acting as such, I could no longer stomach what I was witnessing.
I fell like this drinking issue ended up breaking the camel’s back. Plus, it did open my eyes to the reality of how much our age differences were becoming a problem in our relationship. When we began to have more and more quarrels about her wanting to go out drinking, I started to open my eyes to other “little things” I didn’t like about our relationship. It was these “little things” that started to add up. And about six months after this, we both agreed that our relationship was doomed. We decided to split up and go our own ways. In the long run, age did matter. And it mattered a lot.
