“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.”
– Richard Bach
“Happy ever after is not a fairytale. It’s a choice.”
– Fawn Weaver
“Love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
– Thich Nhat Hahn
“A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your friends, your dreams, or your dignity.”
– Dinkar Kalotra
Arizona State University is notorious for two things: One, it is a well-known party school. Second, its campus is also rumored to have some of the best-looking coeds in the entire country.
While I was a student at ASU, I went to eat lunch on a regular basis with a group of my guy friends. On the way over to the Student Union, a gorgeous coed was inevitably observed, ogled, and commented on.
Sometimes I enjoyed asking the guy making the observation and comment something like, “So you think she is hot huh? If you were her dad (or boyfriend), would you let her go out of the house?”
The guy usually looked at me with wide eyes and commented something such as, “Man, I know how guys are; I would probably purchase a shotgun and lock her in her room.”
This type of comment was par for the course.
Next I would inquire, “OK, so you lock her in her room and restrict her from even leaving the house. Do you think she would want to live under those conditions?”
“Hell, I don’t care!” the guy would usually counter, “I know how guys are, and I wouldn’t want them to be all over her.”
I then asked the guy how he thought she would feel about being locked up. I would ask him something like, “Since she doesn’t want to feel caged up, do you think that she would try and escape?”
“I don’t know,” he would answer, “Probably.”
The guy isn’t usually sure what to say after this type of exchange.
This is precisely what a lot of people do when they are in a relationship; they attempt to keep their partner in a metaphorical “cage.” Out of their own feelings of insecurity, these types become controlling and attempt to limit their partner’s lifestyle. According to the insecure person’s logic, putting their partner in a “cage” helps ensure that they will not be tempted by others (since no others “can get to them”). Unfortunately such thinking leads these insecure types to also restrict their partner’s personal growth and development.
According to the logic of Zen Buddhism, severely restricting your partner’s social life will have quite the opposite effect of drawing them nearer to you (Watts, 1951). Restricting a person’s life will make them want to escape the “cage” that has been created for them. Because of the feelings of insecurity, these insecure types, in turn, place unfair restrictions on their partner. Unfortunately, for these insecure types, this is an all-too-common occurrence.
Every semester I ask my students, “Is it possible to collect running water?” Invariably, a few of them reply that it is possible. Next, I ask these students to explain how it’s possible to collect the water? At least one of them will reply confidently (and often in a snooty manner) with something to the effect of, “Duh, put it in a cup or a bucket.”
To this seemingly “obvious” answer, I counter with, “Once the water is in the cup or bucket, does it continue to run?”
The student normally becomes somewhat defensive as they realize the only possible answer to the question is that no, it is not possible to “collect” running water. Rather, the water becomes still and stagnant. It stands still and is no longer dynamic. Plus, if it stays that way for too long, it may even start to grow thick with green slime.
“The student normally becomes somewhat defensive as they realize the only possible answer to the question is that no, it is not possible to “collect” running water.”
Next I tell my students that one of the most common mistakes people make – “collecting” running water – almost always has negative consequences.
No one enjoys having their lifestyle unnecessarily restricted. Most people may compromise and agree to live according to a dual agenda, but most people don’t want to live almost entirely by someone else’s agenda.
You Should Help Your Partner’s Water “Run”
Not only should you not “collect” running water, but rather you should “help” the water run. That is, you should encourage your partner to express themselves. You should be supportive about their likes and wants in life.
I had a girlfriend who was a model. She enjoyed dressing up and looking good. And to be perfectly honest, I liked her to dress up and to look good. I lived with her, so whenever she looked good, I was always the benefactor of such actions of hers. In fact, I would even go with her shopping for clothes. I didn’t go with her to be a clothes Nazi, I went to enjoy getting a modeling show every time she tried on a pair of pants, a shirt, a belt or any other item of clothing. And, the women who worked at any of the clothes stores treated me like a king for accompanying her and for being patient with her as she tried on a myriad of clothes.
At one time, ,this same girlfriend was taking some modeling classes. However, these classes took place early on Saturday mornings. And anyone who knows me, knows that I despise waking up early in the morning; especially on a weekend. However, I knew how much these modeling classes meant to my girlfriend. So I would put on my game face and endure whatever I had to in order to make sure she was able to participate in an activity that meant so much to her.
Of course when my guy friends found out about me driving my girlfriend to these modeling classes, they would make the stereotype whipping sound and hand motions guys make whenever they tease their guy friends about being “whipped” by their girlfriends. However, these actions had absolutely no effect on me. I wanted my girlfriend to look good and to enjoy being attractive and even showing it off a bit. Like I said earlier, I was the primary benefactor to such activities. During our relationship, she let me be me, and I let her be her.
I would strongly suggest that you try to help your significant other be their self. Like I mentioned at the beginning of this chapter, no one enjoys having limits placed on them; especially nonsense limits that originate in their own sense of insecurity and jealousy. So my parting advice it to not just allow your partner to be themselves, but to make it a priority and to do everything in your power to actually help them be who they want to be or become.
I realize there are some limits to this advice. I wouldn’t tell you to help your partner to be a bank robber or drug kingpin. I am saying that you shouldn’t do stuff that would hinder their essence because of any insecurities on your part. And I am explicitly stating that this type of behavior is a two-way street. They should also not try to “collect” your water.
You Can Only Listen To Songs Sung By Women
I had a female friend who dating a very jealous guy. At first he managed to keep his jealous tendencies under wraps. However, once the relationship was up and running, his jealous nature began to make its presence known.
At first, this guy’s jealousy started out slow. He would call out my friend for perhaps noticing a hot guy while they were out and about. He would get a little bit peeved and would ask her to stop doing “stuff like that.”
Pretty soon, his jealousy grew, but again, only slowly and in small increments. His next bout of jealousy came when my friend and he were shopping for clothes for her. She would pick out some items that would show off her body, and he would give a “thumbs down” to all of these types of choices. When my friend asked him to show her what types of clothes he would approve off, they were sun dresses and items that where very loose and had long hemlines. When she commented that he wanted her to look like an Amish maiden, he didn’t think that comment was very funny and the incident caused a two-day quarrel between them.
After every bout or fit of jealousy, this guy would apologize and admit that he was “in the wrong” and would make promises to improve. Whenever he was doing this, he would shower his girlfriend with kisses and affection and tell her that he was so in love with her that sometimes he just couldn’t handle himself whenever he felt even a taste of jealousy. At the beginning of the relationship, my friend believed him. After all, whenever he apologized about being jealous, his actions and words seemed solemn and genuine.
Although this guy’s words always seemed to signal that a change in his jealous behavior was just around the next corner, his actions indicated otherwise. In fact his jealous behavior became so deep that it began to scare his girlfriend. One day while they were driving in her car, she was listening to a radio station that they had both enjoyed over their time together. So, when a song came on that she enjoyed singing along to, once again he exploded, reached over and turned off the radio and exclaimed, “I don’t want you to listen to songs sung by men. You can only listen to songs sung by women.”
Upon hearing this, my friend suddenly realized just how out of control her boyfriend’s jealousy had become. When it hit her, she started laughing out loud and she kept shaking her head side to side saying to herself, “No way! No way! This has to stop.”
Soon after this incident, my friend and her boyfriend split up. Although she had to suffer the heartache of a breakup, that specific incident actually ended up helping her deal with it. Whenever she would start feeling down, she would just say either to herself or to whoever was near her, “You can only listen to songs sung by women.” That always seemed to do the trick.
Eventually my friend recovered from the breakup. Today we like to poke fun at such a ridiculous mantra, “You can only listen to songs sung by women.” So these days, whenever she says that phrase, she and anyone who is around her just have a good laugh at what had happened.
