“We live in a society of victimization, where people are much more comfortable being victimized than actually standing up for themselves.”
– Marilyn Manson
“Before anyone else will respect and love you, you must respect and love yourself”
– Anonymous
“A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth, to say no. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness is not being a bully. It’s having backbone.”
– Robert Kivosaki
“That you may retain your self-respect. it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.”
– William J. H. Boetcker
If there is only one section of this book you will read, understand, and remember later on, let it be this one. This chapter addresses the issue of having a backbone and being able to stick up for yourself when it’s necessary. In this chapter, I am not implying that anyone act like a jerk. Standing up for your self is about not taking “crap” from someone. By “crap” I mean unwarranted harassment. No one deserves to put up with undeserved aggravation. A jerk is the type of person who causes unnecessary drama.
I once had a student named Steve who related the following story to me. He told me that after hearing a series of lectures I had given on this particular subject, he realized he was not following the advice provided during those lectures. Steve told me that his new girlfriend was very attractive and very much used to getting her way. Because of her extraordinary beauty, he too, tended to try and please her, and thus keep her happy. That way, he figured, she would reciprocate and try to keep him happy in return.
One night Steve’s girlfriend was at his house on the couch watching television with him. She felt chilly and promptly ordered him to go get her a blanket. He dutifully jumped up, hurried to the closet and began pulling a spare blanket off the top shelf of his bedroom closet. But as he was doing so, he realized that instead of her asking him to get the blanket, he was being told to get the blanket. He asked himself, “What would Padilla tell me to do in this situation?”
Steve went ahead and got the blanket; he then marched back into the room where his girlfriend was anxiously waiting for it. He told his girlfriend, “You can’t just order me to get you a blanket. You need to ask me nicely!” He told me that upon hearing his conditional demand, his girlfriend’s eyes lit up in disbelief!
“What? Ask you nicely?” she asked! Steve told her that next time she would need to ask him nicely for whatever she wanted, or that she could get it herself.
A genuinely perplexed look came over her face as she pondered what was happening. Steve repeated the ultimatum, and his girlfriend snapped out of her state of disbelief and said in a slow, almost mocking, calculated manner, “Will you please give me the blanket?”
Steve was surprised that this strategy had actually worked! In his happiness he gladly handed over the blanket and a new precedent had been established; he was no longer going to be taken-for-granted.
Sometimes when the love bug bites, the person bitten becomes putty in her partner’s hand. This is often true of many normally “hard” individuals. My friend Samantha is a tough character; she was known for not taking anything from anybody. She was willing to tell people what she thought of them no matter the consequences. She seemed to thrive on arguments and on any sort of “contest” between her and others.
After Samantha met and began dating David, she suddenly became “soft” with him; giving into his every wish and never really arguing with any of his opinions. In social situations in which she would normally have been “hard” with someone else, with him, she was soft. Observing her transformation was interesting. Within our social network, members had always known her as “no-nonsense Sam.” So her sudden change stood in stark contrast to how we normally viewed her.
What causes this type of social phenomenon? It occurs when one person begins to develop feelings for the other. Since The Principle of Least Interest immediately governs a budding crush, the love-struck partner may instantly sense her vulnerability.
Her desire for the other person’s attention (or affection) may cause her to act in ways she thinks will limit the chances of her love interest becoming upset with her. Put another way, the person “crushing” doesn’t want the person of desire to become upset with them. That may cause the partner to become mad and perhaps even distant. Out of fear and insecurity, the formerly “hard” individual becomes “soft.”
Outside observers can often tell when the partner who is most interested has surrendered his power. In order for the partner with the most interest to keep the other attracted, the vulnerable person now runs the risk of being perceived as weak and thus, being taken-for-granted. By not sticking up for himself, the most vulnerable partner fails to earn the respect of the least interested partner. Remember, gaining a partner’s respect comes from being able to be your own person (to include developing one’s own social identity). This means having your own opinions and a minimum sense of self that is separate and independent of any partner’s social distinctiveness.
Doing whatever is necessary to keep your own sense of self-respect intact may sound difficult and risky, and in the short run may even feel very uncomfortable. However, in the long run, doing whatever you must to maintain your self-respect will create the foundation for a stronger relationship. Quite simply, in order for someone to love you, they must first respect you. So, in order to have respect for you, they must first sense that you respect yourself.
The reader may take comfort in the fact that as a person sticks up for himself a number of times (despite any unpleasantness); this type of behavior will become less difficult to engage in during future encounters as it becomes the norm. That is, at first this behavior will seem uncomfortable and perhaps even scary; however, like most types of social interaction, the more times a person repeats a certain type of action, the easier it is to engage in that type of action in the future. Plus, after a person sticks up for himself, he will usually feel good about having done so and will have more confidence in future confrontations.
You Will Call and Check In … or Else!
Not too long after I was first employed as an assistant professor, our academic department hired a newly-minted Ph.D. from Yale. It was our department’s tradition to take the new hire out to eat, and thus, to welcome them to the academic fold. And since I was the lowest-ranking member of the faculty on the department’s academic totem pole, I drew this duty.
While I was getting ready to go out the night of our planned dinner with my new colleague, my girlfriend was quizzing me about what I was going to do with him. I replied that I was not very experienced at this sort of thing, and that I was just going to play it by ear. She asked me whether or not I was planning on calling her sometime during the evening. Honestly, I had no clue what I was getting into and I told her as much, “All I can promise you is that I will try to call you.”
“No,” she said adamantly, “you can do better than that. Tell me that you will call me.”
I wasn’t going to fall into that trap and replied, “I can only promise you that I will try and call you once I get somewhere and figure out what is going on.” That comment made her upset, and as I left the house, I could tell that she didn’t really believe I ever intended to call her. I didn’t particularly enjoy life when she got upset, so I decided that I would make an extra effort to call her.
Around 9 p.m., I met my TA and the new professor at a local restaurant. We entered the establishment and found a vacant table. Our waitress immediately came over to our table and took our drink order. When she returned with our beverages, I made sure I paid the bill so I could keep 50-cents change for the pay phone (these were the days before everyone had cell phones).
My plan was to call my girlfriend later on in the evening. The way I viewed the situation was that it would be fair if I called her when I had to use the restroom. That way I could focus on the matter at hand, which was to entertain the new professor.
The first time I headed to the restroom, I thought it was too early to call my girlfriend and report “nothing.” So, I planned on calling her during one of the return trips. As I said, since I had left the house on bad terms with her, I thought it was probably a good idea to make an extra-concerted effort to call her.
On about the fourth trip to the restroom (once you break that seal. . .), I finally decided it was time to call home and report in. However, when I came back out of the restroom, a woman was talking on the pay phone. I waited for a minute, but it appeared as though she was involved in some sort of spat with her boyfriend. She had her back to me and was obviously trying not to cry.
I didn’t want to interrupt whatever was going on, so I headed back to our table. The next time I went to the restroom, the same woman was still using the phone, and she was still crying. Again, I returned to our table.
Not long after we had finished eating, I headed back to the restroom. This time the manager was using the phone to call in some sort of merchandise order, so I couldn’t say anything to him about needing to use the phone. After all, it wasn’t really an emergency at that point (at least not from my point of view). As you can probably guess, I was never able to call home.
I arrived home at about 1 a.m. As I entered the house, I noticed that the light was on upstairs in the bedroom. That was odd; my girlfriend was an ardent “morning person” and was normally fast asleep by this time of night.
I kind of figured something was amiss. I hurried up the stairs, hastened my way through the door, and entered the room. My girlfriend was lying in the bed. She slowly looked up at me with piercing eyes. She was pretty upset. She immediately accused me of deliberately failing to call her, “You didn’t call me like you said you would!” Now that upset me!
In a raised tone of voice I said, “All I promised you was that I would try!”
“No sir mister, before you left, you agreed to call me!” she snapped back.
I was now getting more upset. I reached into my pocket, grabbed the two quarters I had purposely set aside to call her, and threw them at the foot of the bed. They bounced off the bed and hit the wall on the opposite side of the room.
“See, I did try to call you. I even saved those quarters after the first pitcher was served! Why do you accuse me of something as soon as I walked in the room? Why can’t you ask me what happened instead of immediately accusing me of deliberately trying to upset you? Maybe something prevented me from calling you! Did you ever think that may have even been a possibility?”
I briefly explained what had happened, walked toward the door, and left the room with a loud slam of the door (only for dramatic effect).
I went into our home office and logged onto the Internet. Shortly thereafter, I heard a knock at the door. It was my girlfriend, and through the door she asked if we could talk. I let her in the room and said to her, “You know, you are going to accuse me of misbehaving when I’m innocent, then what motive do I have to behave in the manner you prefer?” In other words, if I was already “doing the time,” then why not “do the crime?”
I asked her, “Why should I behave if I’m already guilty in your eyes? I may as well do whatever I want; I’m going to be in trouble no matter how I act.”
She must have realized the wisdom of my argument because she immediately stopped resisting me and started to cry. I walked toward her, took her arms and pulled them up over my shoulders and into a hug. As we stood there hugging, she said, “Babe, I’m sorry. You’re right, next time I’ll try and be more understanding.”
I was relieved that we had made up. Many partners would have been stubborn and used this type of situation to their advantage. But because I study relationships professionally, I realize how difficult it is for a person to apologize.
I made sure to reward that apology with as much positive reinforcement as I could muster. Since I had stood my ground and had a backbone, the next time would be different. a risk. My bet is that in the long run, such a risk will pay off for you.
