“Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to
it carefully.”
– Richard Bach
“The most dangerous untruths are truths moderately distorted.”
– Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
“Honesty is the cruelest game of all, because not only can you hurt someone – and
hurt them to the bone – you can feel self – righteous about it at the same time.”
– Dave Van Ronk
“I love you, and because I love you, 1 would sooner have you hate me for
telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.”
– Pietro Aretino
Many people believe that the most important aspect of a relationship is trust. That said, let me ask you, do you think honesty is always the best policy? It follows from this logic that a person should be completely honest with their partner. I’m not sure how much I agree with this logic. Let me explain. First of all, I take issue with the term “completely” as it applies to the issue of honesty; that is, explicitly stating that partners should always be honest with one another. Let me tell you, I have heard some convincing arguments made in favor of complete honesty.
However, is it also advisable that a partner should sometimes “leave well-enough alone?” Some compelling arguments have also been made with regard to keeping some types of information secret from a partner; a kind of white lie (or a lie of omission) in order to preserve a sense of trust. Both approaches may help keep the peace; yet both approaches may also cause problems in a relationship.
I have also heard that once someone lies, the next lie is usually a little easier to tell. It’s almost like practice makes perfect. Someone once commented that it takes two lies to cover up the first lie; then it takes four lies to cover up the two; and then it takes eight lies to cover up the four, and so on and so forth. Based on this logic, the person commenting was saying that once a person tells that initial lie, he is doomed in his efforts to conceal it. In short, a number of subsequent lies then become necessary to conceal the original lie. And you’ve no doubt heard the saying, “Once a liar; always a liar.” This may also be true; but to what degree is it wrong to be a liar? If one is a liar, even once, then does the saying “you can’t change a tiger’s stripes” apply to them? If so, what’s the point of continuing on with the relationship?
It’s tough to provide readers with any absolute answer about whether or not it’s ok to lie. But I’ve discovered something from discussing this issue with literally thousands of people in class and in general social interaction. The ratio of adherents to either the “always-tell-the-truth” wisdom, or those who believe there is negligible harm with an occasional “little white lie,” is split fifty-fifty. Half of the discussants said partners should always tell the truth. The other half felt that if there is reason enough to hide something from your partner (often for his own sake), then a partner should do whatever it is she has to do to help keep the peace.
I cannot say with any certainty which of the two approaches a person should try to abide by. Again, after two decades and numerous discussions on this topic, support for the best approach has always been split evenly down the middle. Thus, your own personal experience and better judgment will have to prevail in matters related to honesty and communication.
The point here is to make you aware of the issue and its effects upon your own relationship.
I Already Have a Girlfriend. That’s OK, I Don’t Mind
While I was in graduate school, my girlfriend frequently went out of town on business. Sometimes she would be gone for a couple of days, and other times she would be gone for weeks at a stretch. I learned to adapt to her absence by frequenting a local bar with my good friend Mitch.
One evening while my girlfriend was away on one of her frequent trips, Mitch and I attended a political rally. The rally went on a little too long and by the time it was finished, Mitch and I were famished. Therefore, we decided to get a bite to eat as soon as possible. As luck would have it, Mitch happened to live across the street from our favorite bar.
Just before we left Mitch’s house, his phone rang. I had already stepped outside and could only hear a short, muffled conversation. As it turned out, two of Mitch’s female friends had called him and asked him if he wanted to get something to eat. We were already on our way across the street to eat, so Mitch invited the women to come eat with us.
Because Mitch and I had only to walk across the street, we arrived at the pub well ahead of the two women, and we immediately ordered some food. During the short wait for our meals, we also decided to order a beer. It didn’t take too long before the two women arrived and joined us for food and drinks. And as the liquor flowed, we all decided to just go ahead and make a night of it. For the sake of brevity, let’s just say we closed down the bar.
After the bartender announced last call, the four of us hurried to finish what was left of our drinks before we would be forced to leave the bar. Mitch and I said goodbye to the two women, and began to walk toward his house. I crossed the street, went in, and grabbed my belongings.
As I was about to walk across the street and head toward my house, I spotted the two women exiting the bar. They were heading toward their car which was parked near Mitch’s driveway. I recall that it was colder than normal that November evening, and I was still faced with a mile walk home. I lingered talking with the women as I pondered asking them for a ride home.
So, as the women were getting into their vehicle, I took a chance and asked them, “What way are you two headed?” Luck was with me that night; the women were headed in my direction. “Would you mind giving me a ride home?” I asked. “No problem,” one of the girls said. “Hop in.”
The car the women were driving was a two-door, four passenger compact coupe. Since the drive to my house was less than two miles, and thus I would be the first to exit the vehicle, I sat shotgun. Almost as immediately as the ride began, the woman seated behind me wrapped her arms around my seat and neck and said, “You seem really cool; I wouldn’t mind hooking up with you.” Wow was I was taken aback! Where was this coming from? I asked myself. I knew what I needed to do. After all, I did have a girlfriend.
I was flattered that this woman found me attractive, but I had to do something to defuse such an uncomfortable situation. I really believed it would be enough to say, “I’m really flattered, really I am. But I already have a girlfriend.”
As I was voicing those words, I honestly felt the situation would take care of itself. Not to mention that we only had a few blocks to go, and we would be at my house soon. But any feelings of assurance were dashed when the woman replied, “I don’t mind.” As a small wave of panic fell over me, I thought to myself, Uh oh, what now!
By the time we arrived at my house, the situation resolved itself. I got out of the car, immediately helped the woman get out of the back seat and hurried her into the front seat. Then I quickly closed the door. I thanked them for the ride and rushed into my house. But now I had a new dilemma; should tell my girlfriend what had just happened?
Part of me wanted to tell my girlfriend about the incident so that she would be proud of me. She would see that I remained faithful to her while she was away. Basically that part of me wanted “boyfriend credit.” The other part of me felt insecure, and out of fear decided that I had better tell her immediately before she found out on her own. I knew it would have been a long shot for her to have found out about this incident, but she had her ways of finding out about “things.” If she found out about the incident on her own, it would appear as though I had purposely tried to hide something. If that was the case, in her eyes I would be guilty of something: period.
When my girlfriend arrived back in town, I was the one who picked her up from the airport. On the drive back to our house, I proudly told her the story about the rally with Mitch and his two female friends, replete with the necessary details. After all, I didn’t do anything wrong that night. I was proud to let her know she could trust me while she traveled. Plus, remember, I wanted “boyfriend credit.”
Boyfriend credit was the last thing on my girlfriend’s mind. As we pulled into our driveway, the look on her face grew evil. She began questioning me like an FBI agent. “What did you do to make that girl think that she could do that?” she insisted! I was puzzled.
“What do you mean? I didn’t do anything but talk to her.” However, my girlfriend wouldn’t let it go. She kept insisting that I must have done something to encourage the woman to come on to me. I was actually in trouble for doing nothing! I could hardly believe it!
Now I was beginning to get upset. Out of a mix of anger and frustration, I finally told her that if I was in trouble for telling her the truth about that incident, then the next time she left town, I wasn’t going to tell her anything about what happened while she was gone. Upset, I went to my room and slammed the door behind me. I was pissed off! I had wanted recognition for behaving (despite the uncomfortable situation I found myself in) and instead of receiving it, my girlfriend was acting like I was guilty of something.
As I was sitting in the room fuming mad, she came to the door and knocked. “Babe, can we talk?” she asked me from the other side of the door. “What am I in trouble for now?” I asked in a sarcastic, defeated tone. She asked me if I would please let her in the room. So I got up, walked over to the door and let her into the room. I was still upset and told her, “If I’m in trouble for telling you the truth, the next time I may as well keep stuff to myself. That way I’ll stay out of any trouble I don’t deserve. You can just guess what happens when you leave town.”
My girlfriend came closer to me, put her arms around my waist and pulled me toward her. She said that she was sorry about yelling and accusing me of any perceived indiscretion. At this point, I had to respect her apology. Again, I knew how difficult it was to apologize, so I made sure to positively reinforce it.
I had to let the issue go. My girlfriend also admitted that I did the right thing by telling her about the incident. That night we made up, and well, let’s just say making up can be good for a relationship.
