“Jealousy comes from self-love rather than from true love.”
– Unknown
“Jealousy is always born with love, but does not always die with it”
– Unknown
“Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time”
– Unknown
“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”
– Henri Winkler
“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.”
– Maya Angelou
Jealousy can have some interesting effects on a relationship. At one end of jealousy you display toward your partner equals how much they care about them. At the other end, the “green monster” can wreak havoc upon a relationship.
Being in a relationship with a jealous partner can be like walking in a mine field; you’re always wondering, dreading, and anticipating an “explosion” of some sort. It doesn’t feel very good to have to constantly worry whether or not your partner is going to fly off the handle at any given moment. Somewhere in between these two extremes are some fights, some envy, and perhaps even some passion. Know that in the long run, a jealous partner will tend to hinder the growth of a relationship. If possible, nip jealousy in the bud; because once it takes hold in a relationship, jealousy is very difficult to get rid of.
Why is anyone jealous of his or her partner in the first place? Partners who tend to be jealous normally do so out of their own personal insecurity. After all, no one can really control anyone else. But as we discussed earlier, the issue of control is tied to not “collecting” running water. If you allow someone to be herself, trust me, she/he will want to be around you. You don’t have to worry; she/he will probably even seek you out. Trust me on this; you will benefit most by avoiding the jealousy “care index.”
If someone expresses some sort of interest in your partner, what should you do? Many people get defensive and try to neutralize any perceived threat. However, is someone demonstrating interest in your partner necessarily a negative concern? I would say not necessarily.
I’m not suggesting, however, that you remain completely unconcerned about any situations in which someone is flirting with your significant other. “I’m asking whether or not it is possible that such behavior shown to your partner (often by a complete stranger) can be viewed in a positive light? Problems can develop if your partner is approached by someone with an ulterior motive, and intends to” try something.
Oftentimes, when someone else shows an interest in your partner, this can actually be a compliment to you. After all, the other person displaying the interest in your partner is, in essence, validating your taste. That is, they concur with you in what you think is worth your time and effort.
A social situation in which another person is expressing an interest in your partner really depends on the context of the interest he/she is displaying. If it is calm, harmless flirting, try and sit back, smile, and take notice that the person flirting with your partner is actually appreciating the person who is attracted to you! On the other hand, if the attention is unwanted, and even worse, unwarranted aggressiveness, and in any way is threatening, then by all means this is another matter altogether.
Let’s say, for example, that someone is hitting on your partner and is obviously out of line by touching or groping them. In this case there should be some genuine concern about such behavior, and thus some type of effective action should be taken to remedy the situation. If this is not the case, however, then relax and smile with complete confidence that another human being is validating your taste. Adhering to this type of advice will also help lower your blood pressure!
Your partner is with you for a reason (and don’t forget that you’re not the type that would collect running water). Be comfortable in that fact. Stimulate your partner and help them grow. I cannot emphasize this point enough. Because once jealousy becomes the benchmark of “caring,” then either partner may be tempted to use it later as a measure of supposed love. They may then try and make the other partner jealous anytime they feel insecure about the status of the relationship.
In the long run, using jealousy as a benchmark of caring has a ratcheting effect. That is, partners will eventually adapt to an initial, low level of envy. After they adjust to that particular level, it will no longer have the same effect it once had. Thus, in order to produce the same desired effect, the partner(s) will have to do something even more drastic in order to get the same level of response. This type of phenomenon is called the law of diminishing returns. So any deliberate jealousy-based behavior patterns will likely spiral out of control and may even lead to patterns of domestic violence. Try to keep this in mind when you are tempted to use jealousy as a yardstick of affection and/or love.
Picking Up The Spare Tire
During my senior year of college, my girlfriend and I decided to purchase a new pickup truck. And as anyone who has endured the process of purchasing a brand new vehicle knows, it can take the better part of an entire day. After countless hours of looking at different models, comparing amenities, negotiating prices, and finally signing a mountain of paperwork, we both felt completely exhausted.
My girlfriend and I were happy to have endured the long process, and we were both looking forward to getting our new vehicle home, eating a meal, and just relaxing. However, there was one last detail to take care of; I had to go to the back lot and pick up the spare tire. My girlfriend mentioned that she needed to use the restroom. So I kissed her and asked her to meet me at the front of the dealership where our new truck was parked. Picking up the spare tire would only take me a few minutes.
I walked the short distance across the back lot to the large shed where the spare tires were kept. It was the size of a large two-car garage with large glass windows on three sides, in front of what amounted to a tire shed behind an indoor counter.
I walked into the building, presented the clerk with my receipt, leaned on the counter, and waited as he went back into the storage area to retrieve the proper tire. In less than a minute, he reappeared with a tire and rolled it around in front of the counter area. I quickly kneeled down to check out the condition and specifications of the tire. Before I signed for it, I had to make sure it was the correct size and that it didn’t contain any obvious flaws.
As I was kneeling down below the counter-top examining the spare tire, the clerk began to act excited about a woman walking across the back lot. “Man, look at that babe!” he bellowed. I was mostly tired and just wanted to get my tire and leave. Thus, his comment didn’t really interest me. “Wow, is she a fox!” he continued.
At that moment, I had just finished inspecting the spare tire and as I slowly began to stand up, the clerk commented, “Alright, she’s coming this way!” Since I was facing away from the lot, I had to turn 180 degrees to see the woman he was talking about. Then, as I turned, I noticed that the woman he was all excited about was my girlfriend! I was temporarily shocked; I hadn’t expected her to be on the lot. Remember, we had agreed to meet in front of the dealership near where our new truck was parked.
A small part of me immediately became upset. After all, this guy was objectifying my girlfriend. Yet at the same time, it dawned on me that he was also complimenting me on my taste in women. That last thought seemed to calm me down as I suddenly realized that despite whatever this guy said, she was still my girlfriend. My guess is that a lot of men would have wanted to climb over that counter and pummel the clerk. Yet somehow I felt different about this particular situation. And
With the clerk and me now both standing, we had a full view of my girlfriend walking toward us. Acting as though I was excited myself, I said, “Dude, you’re right. She is a looker!” The clerk continued commenting. My smile, and seeming interest in this cute “stranger,” encouraged him to keep on talking. I could barely contain my sly smile as my girlfriend reached to open the door. As she pushed open the large glass door and passed through the doorway, she asked me, “Are you ready babe?” I could barely contain myself; the look on the clerk’s face was priceless!
I bent down, grabbed the tire and rolled it toward the door. My girlfriend held it open, and as the tire slowly rolled ahead of us and out into the lot, I embraced her, looked back over my shoulder, smiled, and said, “Later dude.”
In his disbelief, the clerk managed to produce a wry smile. Then, as I rolled the tire across the lot, I gave her a number of kisses knowing full well that the clerk was still watching. Now had “clerk boy” said something about my girlfriend being ugly or stupid, then perhaps I would have jumped over that counter. But how I saw it- specially at that moment- was that I was lucky enough to be in a relationship with such a smart, caring and beautiful woman.
