“Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone and finding that that’s OK with them.”
– Alain D. Botton
“Intimacy is being seen and known as the person you truly are.”
– Unknown
“Intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them and their response is ‘you’re safe with me’, that’s intimacy.”
– Taylor Jenkins Reid
This section explores some of the various issues a couple may encounter when the partners become intimate with one another. But let me begin this section by stating that definitions of words do affect behaviors that are defined by them. Thus, readers should become aware of the different definitions of “intimacy,” and the resulting behaviors that manifest themselves when people act upon those particular definitions.
Of the eight definitions of “intimacy” published in the Encarta Dictionary (North American), six of them are relevant to our discussion. Those six definitions can be further divided in half with three of them referring to phenomena that are associated with the “friendship” aspects of intimacy. The other three definitions refer to phenomena that are associated with the “sexual” aspects of intimacy.
New couples should also be careful to become “intimate” with one another in the right order. That is, they should make an effort to initiate “friendship” intimacy before becoming “sexually” intimate. Becoming intimate in the wrong order may cause unforeseen negative consequences for the new couple. When a couple hurries into sexual intimacy, and then attempts to become intimate on a friendship basis as an afterthought, they may discover that they are better at being lovers than they are at being friends or roommates.
Also, there are two potential power struggles associated with sexual intimacy: one is rooted in the expected sexual frequency versus another rooted in the type of sex one is prepared to engage in. Unless both partners’ sex drives and sexual appetites are in perfect sync, any imbalance may throw a wrench into their sexual relationship. One of the partners may want to have sex more often than the other. Or, one of the partners may want to engage in sexual acts that the other may find reprehensible.
When it comes to extreme sexual intimacy, many males will want to engage in such kinky sex with a stranger rather than with their beloved wife or girlfriend. At first glance, this fact may seem counter-intuitive. But once you understand the rationale that drives this phenomenon, it will clear up any stereotypes or misunderstandings you may have about such extreme sexual activities.
“Intimacy” can also mean getting a peak “behind the curtain” of what defines and motivates a new lover in the various aspects of their daily life. But like the characters in the Wizard of Oz, a partner may discover that “the man behind the curtain” doesn’t necessarily resemble the one who struts in front of it.
The reader should also realize that the term “intimacy” isn’t a flat, one-dimensional concept: far from it. Thus, it will do the reader some good to better understand the complex social dynamics involved with “getting intimate” with a romantic partner. An examination of these intricate social dynamics is discussed in this section.
Many people use the term “intimacy” without realizing that the word has many different meanings. Often times, people fail to realize what each of the various definitions implies. Each of these definitions has a unique connotation that can guide the actions of the particular person defining what “intimacy” means to them. Unfortunately, people have the habit of conflating the diverse meanings of “intimacy” into one simplistic definition of something having to do with sex. The result of such a belief is that people who think like this fail to realize that there are other aspects of “intimacy” that a couple should be aware of if they want to establish a successful relationship.
In the Encarta Dictionary (North American), the word “intimate” has eight different definitions. Each of them is defined around a similar concept or idea. Thus, because of the tendency to conflate the different meanings into a single definition that is centered on some type of sexual activity, it’s not surprising that people may become confused about what the term actually means. We won’t make such a mistake. Instead we will carefully examine each of the relevant meanings of the word “intimate.”
Although there are eight (8) clear definitions of the word “intimate” in the Encarta Dictionary, you should understand that these eight definitions do not define the same thing. Furthermore, not all eight of the definitions are pertinent to our quest to better understand how each of these definitions apply to interpersonal, or romantic relationships.
Only six (6) of the eight definitions concern us at this point in our discussion. Three of the six definitions relate to having a close personal relationship where a person can feel comfortable and relaxed as they have some “history” (or experience) with the other member of the relationship. The other three definitions apply to a person having a much deeper and refined relationship which includes that person knowing the innermost secrets about their partner. The profound comforts these types of relationships provide a person often pave the way for a deeper sexual relationship to emerge between the partners (pun intended).
The first three (3) definitions of “intimate” are similar in nature and scope. However they aren’t necessarily associated with any type of sexual activity. In this first category of definitions, the two persons in the relationship can become very close, and thus, they are able to learn very personal details about one another. However, their relationship is usually based only on friendship. The participants in these types of relationships may actually keep certain sexual secrets from the one another. These three definitions refer to types of intimacy that may develop and be maintained by family members or close relatives. These three definitions of “intimate” are summed below:
1. CLOSE: Having/ resulting from a close personal relationship.
2- COZY: Quiet and private or secluded, enabling people to feel relaxed with one another.
3- THOROUGH: Very great and detailed as a result of extensive study or close experience.
The next three definitions (3) are also similar in nature and scope. Like with the first category of definitions, in this second category, the two people in the relationship can become extremely close. In these types of relationships, the members learn close personal details about one another. Having this type of confidence and comfort in the relationship can certainly pave the way for the trust to develop between those partners who may want to take their relationship into the sexual realm.
4- INNER MOST: Relating to /or involving the innermost nature of something (someone)…
5- PRIVATE (or PERSONAL): So private as to be kept secret or discussed only with a close friend or relative.
6- SEXUAL: Involving or having a sexual relationship.
Perhaps a recap of what we have discussed up to this point is necessary to help lay the groundwork for where the discussion in this section is headed. I wanted to make sure you understand the difference between the various definitions of “intimacy.” Although the Encarta Dictionary lists eight (8) definitions of the word “intimate,” only six (6) of them are relevant for our discussion and should be learned and understood.
Those six (6) definitions can be further divided into two (2) separate categories. One category of definitions defines “intimacy” as existing in close and personal but friendship-based relationships. The second group of definitions also defines “intimacy” as existing in close and personal relationships, but has an added sexual component in them. In sum, “intimacy” can mean having a close and personal bond with or without a sexual factor being involved.
One dynamic of “intimacy” that a couple may experience during the early part of their relationship is accurately portrayed in the 1986 movie About Last Night (with Rob Lowe and Demi Moore). The main characters quickly experience the innermost sexual intimacy that is normally thought to be very private and extremely personal. This type of intimacy normally takes some time and effort to manifest itself as the partners first establish a firm personal foundation with one another before they engage in any type of sexual activity. Thus, the movie attempts to show what can happen when new lovers reverse the order required to establish a true intimacy in their relationship.
Toward the beginning of the movie, after the main characters meet in the Chicago bar scene, they quickly become lovers during a spontaneous one-night-stand. Thus, these two virtual strangers experience an instant sexual intimacy. Then, as an afterthought, they both attempt to learn about the friendship side of “intimacy”- which includes the details of each other’s personal character, interests and their overall lifestyles.
The plot of the movie shows how these fictional characters became “intimate” in a backward manner; as many potential couples still do today. These types first discover the intimate sexual details about one another, and only in an ad hoc manner do they attempt to find out about each other’s personal character details. In the movie, this backward approach to intimacy proves disastrous; and the portrayed relationship suffers as a result of the lovers’ attempt to become “intimate” is such a spur-of-the-moment manner. The message the movie conveys is that these characters had it backwards.
The lesson here is that the couple should have first learned about the particulars of one another’s personal character to determine whether or not they were compatible. This should have happened before they learned about the particulars of each other’s intimate sexual lifestyles.
This type of thinking was at the core behind the old-fashioned idea of enforcing a courting period between potential mates that was closely monitored by a chaperone. In the “old days,” each of the potential relationship partners would be mentored by experienced elders who would make sure each of them didn’t get too carried away by temptations of the flesh. These chaperones would try to prevent any potential partners from rushing into an awkward sexual relationship that ultimately stood a good chance of causing the overall relationship to fail.
These chaperones, or social monitors, made sure that during a lengthy courtship period, the budding couple first learned about each other’s personal character traits and individual lifestyles before they engaged in any sexual activities. The logic behind such thinking was that if the potential partners first built up a strong, deep friendship, then perhaps they would develop a sturdy foundation on which to build a lasting relationship that would stand the test of time.
At face value, the above approach may seem to have its merits. In the long run however, such an approach may also have its flaws. Let’s say a couple first become great friends, and after establishing such a deep friendship, they agree to become lovers. A profound love affair may render one or both of the partners emotionally vulnerable.
This deep emotional bond can in fact lead to trouble between the partners. It is precisely because of this close connection that one or both of the partners may go to extreme lengths to avoid becoming too vulnerable, and then suffering emotionally because of such an approach. In their attempts to keep from becoming too susceptible to their own feelings, partners who reach such a heightened emotional state may try to hide things they do from their lover that may upset or anger them.
An angry lover is nothing to take lightly when they hold the reigns of your emotional happiness in their hands. In short, should you upset them, you may suffer the emotional consequences. Thus, as a couple becomes more deeply attached, this precisely when the “games” begin, as each member attempts to hide details of their lives that may cause the relationship to founder.
Two of the most common power struggles that often threaten a relationship are rooted in the couple’s financial and sexual matters. Both of these activities are relevant to our discussion. After all, how each of these types of activities is handled by the individual partners may reveal intimate details about each of them.
For example, couples may differ on what they feel is a proper way to manage their finances. Is one of the partners better at handling financial matters than is the other? Is one of the partners a spend-thrift? Does one of the partners spend the rent money on gambling and /or drugs, and then attempt to recoup their losses at the nearby casino? The answer to these questions may surprise one of the partners as they delve deeper into the habits of the other. After all, if one of the partners does have one of these problems, they may attempt to hide these personal deficiencies from any of their prospective lovers.
Couples may also disagree about what are acceptable sexual activities. What concerns us at this point in the discussion is the dynamics of the couple’s sex life. Partners may disagree about the frequency of expected sexual activity. One of the partners may have a more frequent sex drive than the other. Comments or complaints such as, “You want to do it again?” or “Is sex all you think about?” are indicative of such disagreements about the expected frequency of sexual contact.
A couple may also disagree about what constitutes the appropriate type of sexual activities in which they will engage. And as lovers progress through the deeper stages of their relationship, when each of them becomes more sexually comfortable, each of the partners may want to add certain types of intimate sex acts to their collective sexual repertoire.
To prevent their sex lives from becoming stagnant, lovers may try out new sex positions or types of novel sexual acts. But in doing so, they may reach a point where they come to disagree about what types of behaviors are appropriate sexual activities. Comments such as, “You want to do what?!” or “Why do you want to that you pervert?” are indicative of such disagreements about the type of sex acts that are suitable for any one of the lovers. With this in mind, perhaps a deep emotional bond may actually hinder a couple’s sex lives as they disagree on how they should express their love for one another in the sack.
The book Self-Made Man: My Year Disguised as a Man by Norah Vincent includes an account about a phenomenon involving kinky sexual activities. Vincent was surprised that many males disclosed to her that they preferred to engage in extremely kinky sex acts with strangers rather than with their wives or long-time girlfriends with whom they were in love. Initially this logic seemed counter-intuitive to her. But as she delved deeper into the rationale behind this type of thinking, the explanations she heard made perfect sense to her.
The underlying principle behind such a way of thinking went something like this; if the men engaged in such extremely kinky acts with their lovers, after the sexual act was completed, their sexual partners would be rendered “witnesses” to what had transpired. And as such, these “witnesses” could bring up their knowledge of this kinky sexual activity at a later date.
The downside of their loved one having such knowledge of this sexual, private and innermost secret is that their lover can potentially use such knowledge as leverage in any future social situation such as in an inopportune situation such as a lover’s quarrel. Disclosing such a secret could potentially embarrass or perhaps even harm their partner (possibly their ex-partner at a later date) or their social reputation).
Vincent goes on to explain how a stranger, with whom a guy had engaged in extremely kinky sexual behavior, would probably not remain a friend or acquaintance of his for any length of time. Thus, this unfamiliar “witness” wouldn’t be around at a later date. Thus, they couldn’t be able to divulge their intimate knowledge about the guy; and therefore the stranger would be no threat to the guy or to his reputation.
During a breakup, a guy’s ex with knowledge of such secretive or “intimate” behavior may divulge such information in an attempt to exact revenge against him. After all, when a person becomes extremely emotional, their sense of rationality may suffer as a result. Thus, in their emotional state, these types may swiftly engage in vindictive behavior in order to “even the score” against their ex.
However, many times a couple that experience such hasty revenge tactics often come to regret what they have done if the partners reconcile soon thereafter. But by that time, the damage will have been done and both the guy’s and his partner’s social reputation may suffer unnecessarily. Even if the guy patches up their relationship, the hastily divulged information may create a plethora of second-hand “witnesses” who may then threaten the guy in a variety of ways. So before you get tempted to engage in any kinky sexual deeds, keep in mind that “knowledge is power.”
After literally assisting thousands of couples successfully navigate through their breakup or divorce, one example of just such a situation that comes to mind was how one aggrieved female told anyone who would listen to her how her ex husband was a closeted transsexual. She spread stories about how he wanted to dress up in women’s clothes during sex and then engage in some extremely kinky sexual behavior. She told how he had hidden these desires from her during the early stages of their courtship and marriage. The dynamics of this vicious breakup fit as a prime example of Vincent’s idea of a former lover becoming a “witness” who could do a guy some harm sometime in the future.
Had the guy mentioned above continued to hide his kinky sexual habits from his wife, perhaps she wouldn’t have divorced him, and thus their marriage may have remained intact. Yet then again, how strong of a marriage would they have if he had continued to hide such kinky sexual desires from the very person with whom he had built a relationship on trust and faith?
Another example of this skirt with the dangers of “intimacy” was nicely portrayed in Season 3 Episode 7 of Sex and the City: Drama Queens. In this episode, Miranda moves in with Steve and learns that he leaves the bathroom door open when he uses “Number 2.” Miranda is shocked at discovering this fact about him. She would prefer that he would close the bathroom door during this activity.
In the same episode, when Miranda is doing her and Steve’s laundry, while she is gathering Steve’s dirty clothes, she discovers a pair of his soiled underwear (referred to as skid marks in the episode). Although she eventually does the laundry, she is freaked out by learning of such intimate details about Steve’s personal hygiene. So much so that she brings up the experience at brunch with her other close friends. She asks if this type of behavior is “normal.” In so many words, her trusted friends welcome Miranda to intimacy of moving in with a partner. In short, her friends welcome her to the reality of what lurks behind the curtain of “polite society.”
Conclusion
The stereotype of the term “intimacy” does imply having access to a pleasant yet secretive aspect of a relationship such as romantic sexual desires and acts. You’ve certainly understood that “being intimate” with someone meant that a person engaged in some sort of positive activity. But as the above examples illustrate, “intimacy” can also imply having access to an unpleasant and secretive aspect of a relationship such as literally learning about a partner’s dirty laundry. I also suggested that a new couple get to know about their new partners on a friendly basis before engaging in sexual intimacy. Problems can arise when a couple attempts to learn about the intimacy associated with each other’s social character only as an afterthought. In addition, beware of the consequences of emotional vulnerability and the susceptibility associated with it. Emotional intimacy can have unintended consequences. Hence, when you are getting to know someone on an “intimate” basis, try to keep in mind the issues discussed in this section. Learn as you go, but keep an open mind.
