We’ve all heard the phrase “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” We hear it so often many people take it as truth… this old adage is not necessarily true.
– Caitlin Killoren
Is it true that once someone is a cheater, that they are always a cheater? First of all, what is considered “cheating”? The definition of what a cheater is isn’t always such a black & white issue. In order to address this issue, we are going to examine, in more detail, some of the various ideas on this subject.
What are some of the stereotypes about cheating? Serial cheaters may fit the definition of “Once a cheater.” This mantra is repeated so often, it’s almost become an accepted “truth.” But despite its general acceptance, does that make it a scientific fact? Probably not: because not everyone who cheats once will automatically cheat in the future.
Many cheaters are known to have attachment issues. But the origin of such issues arises because of different factors; both internal as well as external. These different factors will determine whether or not a couple can get past any infidelity. Plus, there are some things you should consider as you move forward after one of the partners has an affair.
The first thing you should keep in mind is that all humans make mistakes. I’m not suggesting that you just turn a blind eye toward an affair. Dealing with a bout of cheating is a very serious issue. However, there is one main thing to keep in mind: don’t hold people to standards of perfection. Human beings are never perfect. No one can be the perfect partner. Therefore, don’t necessarily write them off.
Throughout my life I have held my friends and family to some pretty high standards. But these values caused me to perhaps abandon some friendships prematurely. In fact, I distinctly remember my mom telling me that if I wanted to have “perfect” friends, that I would never have any long-term friends, and that I would die alone. As I age, I can see the wisdom of her advice.
A Narcissistic Cheater.
If you are unlucky enough to have the experience of being in a relationship with a narcissist, let me just say that right now I feel for you. I don’t know any other way to say this, but narcissists are extremely difficult to deal with. There are a number of reasons I say this. But the main reason I do so is because I’ve seen the destruction that narcissists can leave in their wake.
There are other books that attempt to teach their readers how to handle a relationship with a narcissist. But I’m going to save you some time and energy by cutting to the chase on this issue. Put simply, narcissists are bad news. I won’t even pretend to tell you that you have a chance to cure them of their narcissism.
The sad fact is that narcissists get a thrill from the trail of destruction they leave in their wake. Narcissists couldn’t care less about anyone that doesn’t directly help them with their devious agenda. So, if you think that you can rehabilitate a narcissist, think again. They will use you, and then discard you at the drop of a hat.
I also realize that there is no way to tell ahead of time who is a narcissist and who isn’t. This is because narcissists are extremely charming in the beginning phase/ stage of a relationship. I heard it said that a narcissist can charm the pants off of someone. Believe me, take this as literal advice. Narcissists are so charming in the beginning of a relationship that their victims will not see the reality of what they are getting into. But rather they will feel that they have found the perfect partner. But as time goes by, the narcissist will cut their victims off from friends and family; all in the name of “doing you a favor.” If at all possible, steer clear of these self-centered manipulators. They tend to be extremely talented at what they do; so you won’t see the destruction and eventual heartache these narcissists will visit upon you. Rather, initially you will embrace the fact that you found the perfect partner. But in reality, you will have found a devil.
If you don’t want to believe what I’m saying, please feel free to Google how narcissists conduct themselves in relationships. I included some references on this subject in the back of the book/ website in the section Suggested Readings/ Suggested Websites.
Reason People Cheat.
There are a number of reasons that people cheat on their partners. Some have low self-esteem. Other partners need higher levels of attention that the relationship provides them. Plain and simple, some of these types of cheaters need outside attention.
Then again, some cheaters have confidence issues. These types of cheaters would have an affair on a perfect partner because they themselves are lacking in the self-confidence it takes to “behave” while in an otherwise healthy relationship. These types often feel that they do not deserve someone else’s love. Therefore, these types can’t accept the fact that they have something good, and thus they do something to cause a good relationship to die an undeserving death.
The Security of Your Relationship is Partially Up to You.
In cases where your partner doesn’t feel as though they deserve a healthy relationship with you, the reality is that you will need to help them build self-esteem. But in cases such as these, it is important that you not to bear all of the responsibility for the state of your relationship.
In cases such as these, it may be the case that you alone can’t build the self-esteem necessary in your partner that is needed for them to feel that they deserve to have a healthy monogamous relationship. You can certainly nudge them in the right direction, but there is nothing you can do to completely “cheat-proof” your relationship.
On this note, you should definitely give your partner props when they are moving in the right direction. But then again, you may have to hold them responsible for making their own effort to gain the necessary self-confidence in themselves needed to feel that they deserve the best relationship for themselves.
Attitudes Towards Being In A Relationship Can Change.
One of the most common reasons for a partner to cheat during a relationship is that they have a lackluster attitude towards even being in the relationship. Often times these types are not emotionally invested in the relationship. This attitude toward the relationship may result from their lack of maturity. Often times, these types of cheaters are only interested in “hooking up” as opposed to establishing a bona fide healthy relationship.
Another thing to consider regarding how you may view these cheaters is that past cheating does not equal future cheating. Perhaps your partner wasn’t as emotionally invested in their previous relationship as they are in their relationship with you. If your partner is more invested this time, then perhaps they will value what they have with you and will make the effort to stay faithful to you.
Until It’s Gone, Sometimes a Person Doesn’t Know What They Have.
It is also possible that your partner will have a lackluster attitude about the relationship they have with you until they no longer have it. They may not necessarily appreciate what they have with you while they are in the relationship. These types tend to realize the value of their relationships once it’s gone. In fact, many partners may only appreciate their relationships in hindsight. Some people can only fall in love backwards. (See the section I Can Only Fall in Love Backwards).
The good news is that it is entirely possible to move past an episode of infidelity. But such a rescue can only happen if both of the partners come to see the value in doing so. The main danger in “saving” a relationship is that one of the partners in it pulls away from it as a defense mechanism. And this is totally understandable. The partner who was cheated on may pull away from the relationship as they throw up defensive walls. It’s understandable that they would do this in order to protect themselves from another possible future breach of security and/ or trust. Not to mention that it is entirely possible for one person to become more invested in the relationship after an episode of infidelity.
On the other hand, it is also possible for the cheated on partner to become less invested in the relationship. Thus, in order to get past an episode of infidelity, it is vitally important to gauge both partners’ attitude about how to proceed with saving the relationship. This must be done to understand if the relationship is even worth salvaging. In some cases, it may be better for both partners to just move on from the situation.
Are You Willing To Put In the Work?
There are several things you can do to recover the trust you lost. Put simply, infidelity does not have to be a deal-breaker. If both you and your partner are willing to put in the work, a relationship can be successfully resuscitated.
A lot of people believe that infidelity automatically signals the end of a relationship. But this isn’t always the case. In fact, an affair can actually lead to a stronger and healthier relationship. Despite the stereotypes about cheating, you and your partner may be able to re-establish the necessary trust needed to get beyond a bout of infidelity.
The first thing that you need to do is to address the reason(s) why the infidelity occurred in the first place. To do this, you and your partner need to be completely honest about the dynamics involved with the relationship. Bouncing back from infidelity will no doubt take some serious commitment by both partners. But an honest assessment of what the relationship has to offer both partners is most important if the couple stands any chance of rescuing their relationship.
Working on your relationship will always take time and energy. Therefore, both you and your partner should be prepared to commit to a significant amount of work towards the cause. The cheater will have to understand what drove them to infidelity in the first place. This can often mean communicating their sexual and intimate needs to their partner.
Plus, the partner who cheated will need to actively work on the relationship to gain back the trust of their partner. One of the first things to happen will be that the partner who was cheated on will need to establish boundaries their partner will need to adhere to. In short, working through a bout of infidelity will require patience and open communication by both members of the relationship.
One of the first things to establish is an open communication about both partner’s feelings about the trust levels and personal beliefs in the relationship. Sometimes a partner may think that they are able to work past infidelity. But in reality, they may never able to get over the affair. They may be able to forgive, yet they may not be able to forget. In order to get past an affair, it comes down to a cheated on partner being able to forgive the infidelity. And quite frankly, this is not always possible.
To make things more complicated, there is no established timeline for how long it will take to build back trust in a cheater after an affair. The best bet for success is that both partners believe in the reconciliation process. This requires that both partners be honest about where they stand with their partner.
There are Different Types of Infidelity.
People don’t generally realize that there are different types of infidelity. The two most common types are physical as well as emotional cheating. Everyone is familiar with what physical infidelity entails. Yet many people don’t realize that their partner may have an emotional affair. Emotional affairs occur when someone invests more emotional energy in someone else than they do in their own established partner.
Which of these types of affairs is worse? There is no hard-and-fast answer to this question. However, I would use an example from my days as a professor to help answer this question.
During my tenure as a professor, I was the only one in the United States who taught a class specifically focused on romantic or interpersonal relationships. In each course that I taught, I would ask my students the following question: Suppose that you came home and found your partner engaged in sexual intercourse with someone? Next, I would ask the same class a similar question: Suppose you came home and found your partner making out with someone? Then I would ask the class which one of the scenarios was worse? Almost invariably, the class would say that finding their partner engaging in sexual intercourse was the worst of the two possible scenarios.
I would have to whole-heartedly disagree with the class’s assessment. I always had to argue that discovering your partner making out with someone was definitely the worse of the two scenarios. After all, anyone can have a physical encounter with someone else. But finding your partner kissing someone is certainly more of a threat than finding them screwing someone. Anyone can have sex with someone without necessarily even liking the person they are physically involved with. Think of it like this; when a person has sex with a prostitute, do they necessarily kiss them?
Physical sex can be totally impersonal, whereas kissing someone is something more intimate. Whenever someone kisses someone else, aren’t they establishing a mental connection with that person? I would certainly say so. Thus, I would say that finding your partner kissing someone is more of a threat to your relationship than is discovering them engaging in sexual intercourse.
But I would be remiss in this discussion if I didn’t acknowledge that emotional infidelity can often lead to sexual (physical) infidelity. And on that note, recovering from emotional infidelity may be more difficult than recovering from physical infidelity.
Another thing to consider when deciding whether or not to stay with someone that cheated on you is the length and frequency of their affair. It is easier to move past a single incidence of infidelity than it is to move past a series of cheating episodes.
But on that note, every relationship is different. Some partners are able to recover from long term infidelity while others may not be able to do so. It may depend on how long the relationship has endured. Perhaps a new; or recently established relationship may be more difficult to recover from a bout of infidelity than one which has a number of years under its belt.
“Curing” the Reason for Cheating.
There are some things that may cause an insecure, or even an average person to cheat. One of these reasons may be that that one of the partners is not getting their sexual desires met. Thus, they might turn to someone outside of the relationship to fulfill their sexual needs. And in cases such as these, a cheater might even justify their behavior by thinking, “I’m cheating to stay in my marriage.”
These types may believe they need an alternative sexual outlet in order for them to be there for their partner in other ways. Thus, it is important to keep in constant touch about the sexual wants and needs of your partner. This means that you and your partner must be able to talk openly about both of your sexual needs. In fact, honestly addressing both yours and your partner’s sexual needs will often take away the temptation to have sex outside of your relationship.
What this means is that both of the partners must decide if they need to open up the relationship. However, opening up a relationship is something both partners need to whole-heartedly need to consensually agree to. Otherwise, any extra-relationship sexual activity is just plain infidelity.
Conclusion
In order for a relationship to survive an affair, there are absolutely no shortcuts to the process. Each of the partners must wholeheartedly commit to overcoming such an infidelity. The problem is that many people believe the adage that “Once a cheater, always a cheater” as being a truism. However, this belief cannot be further from the truth. Yet in order for a relationship to survive an affair, it will take an inordinate effort by both partners to not only honestly assess the actual dynamics of the relationship, but will also require them to exert a personal effort unlike one they may have ever committed to. Still, if both partners are willing to commit the necessary effort to overcome the personal indiscretion, surviving an affair is entirely possible. In fact, many people who have looked deep inside themselves in order to get past their partner’s indiscretion have actually discovered what was required of them to establish and maintain a successful relationship. Situations such as these may not be so easily overcome, but the people who do survive an affair may come to realize that the personal effort it takes to establish and maintain a healthy and enduring relationship is well-worth the effort.
