“Some people handle money with a quiet conference, while others end up spending a dollar to make a dime.”
– Unkknown
“Money problems” are one of the most prevalent causes of a power struggle in a relationship. Some people handle money with a quiet conference, while others end up spending a dollar to make a dime.
Some people are savers and investors while others are spendthrifts. Spending money wantonly is a talent to some, while others keep a detailed ledger, and abide by a strict budget.
That said; if a couple are opposite types, it could spell disaster. However, if each of the partners is a spendthrift, such irresponsible money habits/handling can also cause stress and pose a potential threat to the couple in the form of the blame game.
On the other hand, if both of the partners are disciplined money-handlers, that’s a good foundation to begin with. These types would probably do well with a system of joint accounts. The spendthrift partnered with a disciplined money-handler would do well by keeping either separate bank accounts, or a combination of separate and joint bank accounts.
Each couple will have to explore these options to get a sense of compatibility with their partner. (* the #1 cause of divorce is lack of skills)
Quality versus Quantity
“You want to do it AGAIN?!”
“You want me to do what??!!
For a couple, sex can be a touchy subject; no pun intended. There are two main types of conflicts associated with sexual activities. However, neither one of these conflicts is necessarily more pressing an issue than is the other.
Qualitative Issues
Qualitative Issues generally revolve around the type of sex involved or desired. This could be characterized by, “You want me to do what??!!
Quality issues could include (but not limited to):
[1] satisfaction with partner’s performance
[2] satisfaction with own performance
[3] your satisfaction (turn-ons)
[4] your partner’s satisfaction with their needs (turn-ons).
Quantitative Issues
Whereas quantitative issues are generally centered around how often the couple has sex. This could be characterized by a comment such as,“You want to do it AGAIN?!”
If any of the partners feels frustrated with their love-life,there exists a potential problem.
Quantity issues could include (but are not limited to):
[1] who initiates sex? (and how often)
[2] who wants more sex?
[3] timing of sex requests.
These are very “tricky” issues you should be aware of. There are no hard-and-fast rules regarding sex, these are just some issues to think about.
” … pregnancy being the first real test.”
Booze and drugs can negatively impact a relationship. Booze and drugs however, may be the reason the couple got together in the first place; because of liquid courage.
The problems associated with booze / drugs usually manifest themselves after the couple initially pairs. They have probably met over a few drinks and think nothing of it. However, the process from “fun” to “problem” is normally a slow one. The couple is likely still young and prefers to engage in these types of social behaviors (alcohol and / or drugs). In fact, the couple probably does these activities together with other couples, or as individuals.
Once the partners become a bona fide couple, added to their existing individual responsibilities are some new “joint responsibilities.” (Boyfriend duties – girlfriend duties) Males prefer the carefree lifestyle. Females, on the other hand, prefer couple hood. Think about the way we talk about marriage. We use words like “hooked him,” “reeled them in” as a reference to catching fish. Does it sound like these fish were doing these things voluntarily? Truth be said, a lot of men aren’t exactly excited about getting married.
Marriage “ups the ante” where the male is expected to adapt to his new lifestyle. Kids are the biggest factor in this unfolding drama; with pregnancy being the first real test. During this period, the woman will be expected to abstain from drinking or doing drugs. In many cases, the woman figures if she has to abstain, then the male should also be committed to giving up alcohol / drugs as a way to show love and relationship solidarity. Big surprise, it doesn’t always work out that way.
Knowing that marriage will mean settling down to some degree, scores of men attempt to stretch their soon-to-be-gone freedom for as long as they can. These guys find ways to keep their lifestyle intact. Keeping their old lifestyle alive may mean merely cutting back on whatever the activity may be. Then again, keeping it alive may entail secret consumption.
The most likely scenario a couple will experience is the male desiring to keep a drinking lifestyle intact after marriage. The couple ends up fighting about his behavior, but for him, old habits die hard. One night he earns himself a DUI. Now the wife has him! She can invoke the children’s safety in her ultimatum to stop drinking or doing drugs. Not to mention that the cost of defending a DUI is fairly significant. Now the couple’s problem is compounded by a potential money issue. What does one of the most common conflicts have to do with? You guessed it; money issues.
This drug / alcohol issue can also spill over into an issue involving the kids needing a responsible caretaker. With her new-found power, the wife can make some serious demands. Drug charges against a husband provide the wife with some significant power. And since most men don’t want to lose their child-visitation rights, they make a concerted effort to comply with their wife’s demands, or attempt to trick her in court to deny her demands. This issue can get ugly, really ugly. Google PAS, Parental Alienation Syndrome…see the havoc that concept is wreaking upon the family courts.
“Show me who your friends are, and I’ll show you who you are.”
– Any American parent
When you date someone, you also date their friends. I know what you are thinking, he said “dating the friends.” What I mean by this is that your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s friends have a say in your relationship. Not exactly veto powers or anything, but when your partner needs advice about YOU, it can’t come from YOU, so guess where is comes from? You guessed it; from their friends. So, keep that in mind before you inadvertently go stepping on your partner’s friend’s toes.
The crowd someone associates with says a lot about who they are. For example, a membership in an exclusive club denotes “special”- that is, being positively differentiated from the ordinary people. This status separates them from the run-of-the-mill crowd. People try to belong to exclusive groups. They think that their membership in these types of groups / clubs etc, says a lot about their social status. And it may.
During one of my college breaks, I returned home to stay with my best friend and his wife. My girlfriend and I had recently broken up. However, I had only mentioned this to my best friend. After all, discussing my relationship was something I did with him and never with his wife. It’s a best friend thing. Plus, I would have been embarrassed if she knew about the breakup and then started asking me all kinds of questions about it.
That night a group of us ended up going out together. While at a bar, I saw a woman I had gone to high school with. We immediately hit it off. After the bar closed, we all headed to my best friend’s house to continue the festivities. To make a long story short, that woman and I ended up together. Yet, since I hadn’t told anyone about my breakup, except my best friend of course, the women in the group weren’t aware of the fact that I was now a single man. When they saw me together with my woman-friend, they started questioning how their husbands and boyfriends acted when they flew out to visit me. In order to quell the rising suspicion, I was forced to spill the beans about my breakup.
“… your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s family may have a say in your relationship.”
When you date someone, you also date their family. I know what you are thinking, he said “dating the family.” What I mean by this is that your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s family may have a say in your relationship. Not exactly veto powers or anything, but like I said before, when your partner needs advice about YOU, it can’t come from YOU, so guess where is comes from? You guessed it; from your partner’s family. So, keep that in mind before you inadvertently go stepping on your partner’s family’s toes (say that fast three times).
I heard it put this way, either you have “in-laws” or you have “out-laws.” Either you are on your partner’s family’s good side, or you are on their bad side. Another variation on this theme is that some of your partner’s family likes you and others not-so-much.
“… either you have “in-laws” or you have “out-laws.”
Holidays may present a couple with a quandary. Which of the partner’s families activities should they attend first? Second? In three decades of teaching, only one person said something along the lines of creating a new tradition by having people come over to the new couple’s place.
Taking sides in a conflict is another issue; especially if the ex was a good friend of one of the family, the siblings, and / or the parents. For example, let’s say your sister is married to a cool guy who the entire family got along with. At some point, your sister and he get a divorce. No one cheated or anything, they just realized they weren’t compatible after all. She is upset about the divorce and demands that the rest of the family have nothing to do with him. Yet before your sister and her husband got a divorce, you were really close with them. Should you honor her request and drop him as a friend? Or, do you keep him as a friend and either don’t tell your sister, or do it in spite of her request just to make a point?
Birthday and Christmas presents can be a little tricky. People generally agree to purchase a present in the anticipated amount they figure the other person paid, or think they will pay for their present. But let’s face it; you won’t necessarily get along the same way with all of your in-laws. Thus, it’s okay for the presents to have different values and meanings. Just give gifts “accordingly.”
Special events (anniversaries etc.) also have the potential to cause conflict; especially if they require extensive travel. Unless a couple keeps their lines of communication open when discussing these types of issues, these they can become tit-for-tat expectations. Each couple will have to decide how to handle this type of conflict in their own relationship. Again, this is another issue for couples to think about.
Boyfriend and Girlfriend “duties” should be discussed openly. Attending family events, graduations, funerals etc are sort of obvious examples. A less obvious example would be a case when say, your partner decides to go back to school, travel for an extended time, or some other activity that will involve the couple spending less time together. Should both partners have a say in the matter? Or, should each of the committed partners assume that the other will “have their back” no matter their personal decision?
Another phenomenon that may affect a relationship is what I like to call “one-sided trash talking.” This phenomenon occurs when the couple is experiencing a conflict and one of the partners calls one of their family members and delivers a litany of problems the couple is having. Of course they lay the blame on the other partner. This inevitably paints the other partner in a negative light.
Although conflict is inevitable in any relationship, the “complaints” to their family about the relationship shouldn’t outweigh the “compliments” about it. Then again, we shouldn’t have nuclear weapons and hit each other. Thus, try to remember to also tell your family about some of the good times you have with your partner. This way your family will have a realistic and balanced picture of your relationship. Let me just say that a prejudiced view in any direction will distort their perception of your relationship. Again, balance is the key.
Grandparents spoiling the grand-kids can cause some issues. After all, what “rights” do grandparents have when it comes to their grandchildren? Grandparents who rarely visit with their grandchildren may feel like spoiling them to make an instant rapport. The grandparents spoil, spoil, and spoil, all the while knowing full well that they would be leaving soon and wouldn’t have to experience the “brat factor” that was bound to emerge from the favorable treatment. Not to mention, when the kid gets frustrated down the road and acts out, ask yourself, who won’t be around for the show, and who will be front-and-center? Do I need to mention balance here, or have you figured out balance is ALWAYS key?
“Women seem to be able to spot wasted potential in men.”
Everyone is familiar with the stereotyped video-gamer. Unshaven male, holding a menial job to pay rent, eat, and play video games with friends. This caricature is perhaps too broad a swipe, but it serves as a fine example. Often times behind every great man, is a great woman. I know plenty of couples who are where they are now because of the man AND THE WOMAN. One couple I know has traveled the world. He joined the Army and she picks his duty-stations. They remain happily married.
Sometimes what may appear as a happy couple may in fact be something entirely different. There are three possibilities: your partner could have your back (Stand by Your Man); they can be indifferent to you (Rupert Holmes song); or they can be a complete back-stabber (act nice then sabotage).
Women seem to be able to spot wasted potential in men. Perhaps this is because they have been taught to recognize benefits they are NOT privy to. Because they have often been denied this same type of opportunity, they don’t take such invisible advantage for granted.
“… the chores were randomly assigned by what needed to be done; not by gender.”
Traditional gender roles are increasingly been challenged. For example, my mom raised her boys and girls to mow lawns as well as stack a dishwasher. I grew up with a single mother of five kids. Every morning she would write out a daily chore list. The names stayed the same; the chores were randomly assigned by what needed to be done; not by gender.
This type of androgynous conditioning made me very aware of gender equality issues (Not to mention I had taken graduate-level feminist theory courses). Yet, despite this feminist background, I still catch myself making sexist assumptions every now and again. At my age, however, they now tend to stick out, to jump out, and I tend to catch them right away.
Here is a good example of me being blindsided my own sexist assumptions. Recently I purchased a house. When my girlfriend and I were moving into the house, she asked me, “When I get my PhD, where are we going to move to?” This comment caught me off guard. Why you ask? Because I had never even entertained the idea of my girlfriend getting her advanced degree; much less moving for “her” career. Not that I was against the idea, I just had never even entertained it!!! I had always assumed that since I had earned my PhD, it was a matter of where MY career was headed. I had never even thought about my girlfriend’s dreams and aspirations. Shame on me.
Couples that meet in university settings are vulnerable to this phenomenon. They may both receive advanced degrees in the same or related field, and be forced to take professorships in different states. To remedy this potential hardship on a couple, some universities have instituted what’s called a “trailing spouse” clause, which stipulates that the university will do it’s best to guarantee a spouse a job on campus; preferably matching their level of education.
Corporate workers often have to move at the whims and needs of the company. A couple can face some significant challenges if they are forced to relocate from a familiar family base city. The family of the “trailing spouse” may not be too pleased at the idea of not being in the proximity of their son or daughter; often blaming the in-law. This has the potential to turn an in-law into an-outlaw.
There is a phenomenon associated with a dominant ALPHA FEMALE couple; which involves a female serving in the traditional earner role; with the male being financially subservient to her. At first the couple is compatible; he, the unappreciated artist; she, the aspiring graduate student. Later she comes to resent his seeming lack of ambition. He, in turn, resents her increasing efforts to “motivate” him. He’s thinking that this model has worked for them since they met. What’s wrong with it now? In surveys, people say they wouldn’t use money as leverage in a relationship. Ha! Watch out for lightning!
“Age does matter, and it matters a lot!”
There isn’t actually very much research on this May-December bride and the probability of a successful marriage. Two things about the data did stick out. One, they are no more susceptible to divorce than a more traditional-aged couple would be. Two, the assumption was that an age-appropriate couple would experience LESS potential points of friction having the same lifespan orientation.
Family and friends chime in on the issue. One time an 18-year old woman came to me after she told her parents that she was in love with a 40-year old man. Her dad was so mad at her; he attempted to block her from moving her belongings from the garage. He went as far as to strike her hard across the face! Some moral high ground; don’t date an older guy, but it’s acceptable to strike someone across their face.
After serving in the military, I used to believe that if you were deemed responsible enough to carry a machine-gun in war, you are old enough to decide who you want to date. But as life taught me some “unofficial” lessons, I learned that AGE DOES MATTER. Despite the assumptions about sex or money, the problem actually lies in what I will call the BENCHMARKS and MILESTONES. Benchmarks are kind of unofficial and just “understood.” Milestones, on-the-other-hand, are great achievements in at an individual’s level career. Graduating from high school is a benchmark. Graduating from Harvard would be a milestone.
“To have, or not to have; that is the question.”
To have, or not to have; that is the question.
To discipline, or not to discipline; that is the other question.
You often can’t win with step-children. When you want to discipline, your’re not their “real parent.” Yet, they aren’t complaining about an allowance, borrowing the car, or birthdays and Christmases.
